December 13, 2005

• There has been a lot of talk in the news recently about our stance on
  torture. Let me just say that I'm against torture and I think we need
  to set an example for the rest of the world. That being said, on with
  the fun.

  You know what they should try with some of these people instead of
  torture? Makeovers. Honest. Most of these Muslim people that we capture
  look like hell, and they are fine with this. Take KSM (I'm not even
  going to attempt to spell his name, but you know who he is, he was Bin
  Laden's top dude, the guy we pulled out of bed in the middle of the
  night in his underwear) for example. The man is all sorts of gross.
  Messy and all disheveled. Hair sticking up from all over his body. The
  man's back looked like a fucking toy collie. I say if he won't talk, we
  wax his back. Also, we buy him a nice American suit. Maybe trim his
  mustache a little. And if he still doesn't talk, than its time for a
  manicure and maybe even a pedicure. And this aint really torture. Of
  course, its torture to the people giving the makeover, but how can it
  be considered torture for the dude getting made over? After all, we are
  making him look better. Take Osama for example. Does he even know what
  a tooth brush is? I say when (I'm HOPING someday we catch him) we find
  him the first thing we do is strip him down and give him a good shower.
  I mean, how can somebody have good grooming habits bouncing from cave
  to cave. Next, we will give him a Norelco Beard Trimmer. If he still
  doesn't talk, then we send him to the barber and its BOOM!!! off with
  his beard and hair. We can give him "the messy look". Next, its some
  good old fashioned oral hygiene, complete with a tongue scrapping. And,
  then the guys from Queer Eye move on in and look him over. Because he
  has been cowering away in a cave for so many years, he is going to need
  another shower or 5. We can't expect to get rid of that "moldy cave"
  stench in one showering, can we? And, you know he has to have some sort
  of foot fungus. Shit, you try wearing the same worn down sandals for
  15  years. I'm sure he even has some sorta parasite underneath his
  toe nails, and speaking of his nails, they have to be crusty and as
  yellow as Fritos. And his bikini zone must need a mowing worse than an
  abandoned field. Wax, wax, wax. Wax all that shit. After that, its time
  for another shower. By now we probably will no longer need to use the
  industrial strength soap, you know, the powerful shit they use on
  circus elephants. Instead, we are just going to use Zest, and if he
  isn't fully clean by now, than something is wrong. At this point, if he
  is not talking, he would be near suicide. And, if he kills himself, so
  fucking what, we did nothing wrong except make him look nice. And I'm
  open to ideas, we don't have to give him a makeover. After all, we can
  take suggestions from anybody.

  • 10:55 pm
  • 2 Comments