December 14, 2005

• All right people, let me know if this idea is funny or lame. I got my
  sister in law in the family grab bag. As one of her gifts, I bought her
  a pair of bowling shoes. I wrapped up one shoe in a box and wrote on
  the box "I got this shoe at a discount because it was only one shoe."
  When she opens it, she is going to be..........well, not pissed, but
  more like baffled. I'm going to tell her that she can get the other
  shoe next year sometime at a discounted rate. I've even got my brother
  in on it, because you know when they leave here Christmas morning, she
  is going to be saying stuff to him about how crazy it is to give
  somebody one shoe for Christmas. His job is to convince her how this is
  such a great idea. At Christmas dinner, I'm going to walk into her
  parents house and give her the other shoe. But, for the better part of
  the day, she is going to be wondering how one person can be so fucking
  stupid as to give only one shoe as a gift. And a bowling shoe at that.
  How pointless is that? Could you imagine having to rent one shoe at the
  bowling ally? Can you even rent one shoe? I'll just let her believe
  that she is only getting one shoe. My only fear is that Mark will not
  be able to do it. I think he will crack under the pressure. And, I'm
  pretty damn sure he can't keep a straight face through all of this.
  Shit, though, he owes me. After all, 2 years ago for Christmas I helped
  him with the Sean Connery Christmas cd he did.

  We had our Christmas party today at The Key Wester. The food was pretty
  damn good and I had a good time. Don't worry, I'm not going to bore
  anybody with the details.

  Speaking of Christmas, there is, as The Daily Show called it, a "War on
  Christmas." The ever so annoying conservative Christians in the country
  are arranging boycotts of companies because they wish people "Happy
  Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." In fact, America's biggest
  pompous ass, Bill O'Reilly, has said that people that are offended by
  the
  terms Merry Christmas are "insane" and that saying "Happy Holidays" to
  a Christian is "most certainly offensive to any Christian." Wait a
  minute Bill, why don't you step into my "No Spin Pentagram", how can
  Merry Christmas not be offensive to non-Christians (such as myself) but
  Happy Holidays be offensive to Christians? That smells, Bill. It smells
  of hypocrisy. I brought this whole topic up to the Baptist/Born Again
  dude at work and he, of course, agreed that Happy Holidays is offensive
  and if a store told employees to wish customers Happy Holidays, he
  would be less inclined to shop there. He feels that things are so out
  of whack that in 10 years, Christmas won't even be on the calendar. And
  he said that people should say Merry Christmas instead of Happy
  Holidays because Christmas has been around longest. Sorry you Christian
  nutjob, I'm pretty sure New Years has Christmas beat. As I learned on
  the Daily Show, Christmas has only been an official government holiday
  since 1870, and as far as I know, New Years has been around since the
  2nd year. The point is, not everybody celebrates Christmas. And not
  everybody is a Christian. Sure, I'm not a Christian, but Merry
  Christmas does not offend me. Now, I think people are overly sensitive
  if it does offend them, yet I would understand if it did. After all,
  Muslims and Jews do not celebrate Christmas. Later this month, I will
  wish the Baptist a happy Hanukkah (spelling please........I have seen
  it spelled several ways) more than once and see how he reacts. Or
  better yet, maybe I will just wish him a happy gay pride day. Just
  because somebody is different, doesn't mean they should be expected to
  conform and celebrate Christmas. These Christians are not victims in
  this. They are in the OVERWHELMING majority. Non Christmas people have
  to hear Christmas music at just about every store they go to and every
  station or channel they turn on. Its everywhere. They are swamped with
  it. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with anybody saying Happy Holidays
  instead of Merry Christmas. Shit, even the Christians' boy Bush sent
  out "holiday cards" that said "happy holidays" instead of Merry
  Christmas, which didn't make the Christians happy. Nevermind the fact
  that the card also had a verse from the bible in it.

  Speaking of Bush, he took "responsibility" for the Iraq war today. Its
  still funny to use that word "responsibility" and Bush in the same
  sentence. Of course, dumbass, this is your responsibility, this whole
  fucked up and bullshit war was all YOUR idea. But, I'm certainly glad
  after 2 1/2 years, over 30,000 dead (including Iraqi people) and
  billions of dollars, you can finally admit that you are responsible for
  it. At this rate though, the polar
  ice caps will be almost melted by the time he says "I'm partly
  responsible for global warming." Maybe if he had not lied about this
  whole war, we wouldn't be in the mess that we are in right now.

  We haven't done this in a while, so its time for another edition of:

  PAT ROBERTSON SAYS THE DUMBEST THINGS!!!

  
  "That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for
  saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such
  language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union." –Pat
  Robertson, on the constitutional seperation of church and state

  • 10:19 pm
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