December 26, 2005

• Time for another update of a couple of busy days. Saturday afternoon,
  we headed over to my cousin Tony's house for Christmas Eve dinner and
  shit. We arrived about 3:30 in the PM. We snacked on appetizers and
  watched football while waiting for dinner. All the food was very very
  good. Tony's mother in law is Polish and Tony, of course, is Italian,
  so we had a nice mix of Polish and Italian food. Damn, I love Polish
  food.

  After dinner, I played video games with Tony's son (Nick) and stepson
  (Dillon) both 11 years old. First, we played a football game, but I
  don't remember the name of it. It was fucked up, it was almost like we
  were playing in a prison. There was no crowd and the players were
  wearing shorts. I had no clue what I was doing. After that, we played
  Donkey Kong, which was even more complicated. It was nothing like the
  Donkey Kong I played as a kid; in fact, we were able to go underwater
  and, in my case, attempt to swim. There was no jumping over barrels or
  rescuing princesses. And, it was 2 people playing at the same time. I sucked-didily-ucked at it.

  I love fucking with kids' minds. For example, the boys were playing
  some music, including "Push It" by Salt N Pepper. Now, earlier this
  year, my cousin had "the talk" with them, so they now think (especially
  Nick) that they know everything about that whole deal. He said he knew
  what Push It was about. I told them that it was about a lady who was in
  labor and they were encouraging her to push and breathe. Dillon, being
  a sharp kid, knew I was kidding, but Nick was getting frustrated
  because he thought I was just trying to sugar coat things for him.
  Next, he played "My Humps" by Black-Eyed Peas. He said it was obvious
  what that song was about. I told him it was about a lady who bought
  some watermellons and other fruit from the grocery store. All of this
  amused me and it frustrated Nick; although, he did still find it
  funny.

  Later on, I played Santa Claus for Tony's other 2 kids (Ritchie, 2 next
  month and Lucus, who was born this past May) and of course, Addison. As
  soon as I walked up the stairs with the gifts in my hands, Ritchie
  walked right up to me and tried taking the gifts from me. I kept him
  from getting them and sat on a chair. I started to call names and hand
  gifts out. I don't know how this happened, but somehow, the gift I
  bought for the grab bag (we did a white elephant grab bag among the
  family) wound up with Addison's gift from Santa. Mark took it and
  started to open it. He was sitting right next to me as I was holding
  Addison and I turned to him, in my normal not Santa Claus voice, and
  said "Hey, what the hell are you doing, that's the gift I brought for
  the grab bag!" He got the gift about halfway opened before he stopped
  and half assingly tried to put the wrapping paper back on the box. I
  continued my gift giving duties and had some pics with the kids and
  Tony.

  After that, we did our grab bag. I wound up with a box of 30 mini bags
  of M&M cookies. What the fuck am I going to do with all these damn
  cookies? Sure, its cool; I will probably eat some of them, but 30
  fucking bags? I guess I will bring them to work, but if any of you want
  some bags, please let me know.

  The rest of the night was cool, but uneventful. We left pretty early,
  actually, about 10:15 or so. The next morning, I got up about 9:20 and
  started to cook breakfast. Yes, its the one day of the year in which I
  cook. Mark and Amy arrived right at about 9:30. John and I actually
  shared in the cooking duties; since I can't crack and egg, John made
  eggs and hashbrowns, I made pancakes, corned beef hash, Texas Toast and
  biscuits and gravy. Ok, so all I did with the gravy was warm it up in
  the microwave, but shit, somebody had to slit the hole in the damn bag
  and press the buttons on the microwave.

  We opened up gifts about 11ish. My sister Roseann bought Addison a
  little mini magnet with her name on it.........but, there was one thing
  wrong with it: the name on it said Allison instead of Addison. This
  became a running joke throughout the course of the day and night,
  especially since Amy's sister's name is Allison. I told Roseann that
  unless she has something personalized, there probably won't be too many
  things with Addison's name on it.

  Remember a couple of weeks back when I said that I was going to wrap
  only one of Amy's bowling shoes up and tell her I only bought one?
  Well, when it came turn for her to open her gifts, she opened up the
  shoe and had a rather baffled look on her face and said "so, where is
  the other shoe?" I told her I bought it online for half off and that
  next year, she will have to go online and purchase the other shoe. She
  kept asking, "so where is my other shoe? You didn't seriously buy only
  one shoe, did you?" Mark, who was in on the joke, asked me what I was
  thinking buying only one shoe. Amy was having a hard time believing any
  of this, but I kept on. The rest of the morning, she kept giving me
  baffled looks as if to say "I know you have the damn shoe, where is
  it?" Every few minutes, she would ask about the other shoe, I kept on
  saying I did not have it. As she was getting ready to leave, she was
  sure I would make with the other shoe, but I did not. She told me to
  keep the shoe that I gave her until I get the other one. On the way
  home, Mark said that he felt bad for her and apologized because he felt
  like she got jipped (I also got her a cook book, but it wound up being
  the wrong one).

  We had plans to go to Amy's parents house about 5PM. I had bought them
  a little mini lame ass pillow that had some cheesy thing about
  granddaughters on it. I wrapped it up in a shoe box and when we
  arrived, Amy saw it and asked "Is that mine? Is that my other shoe?" I
  told her no, it was for her parents and gave her mom the box. For the
  next half hour, Amy and her mom grilled me and tried to get me to crack
  and say that I was lying, but, although severely tempted, would not
  budge. But, I was having a hard time keeping the joke going, so I went
  out to the car and got both shoes. She was very appreciative and found
  the whole thing very funny. She reluctantly admitted that she had
  fallen for my joke.

  Dinner was very good. Turkey, and all the normal shit that goes with
  it. Afterwards, we watched the Bears clinch a first round bye in the
  playoffs (that kicks total fucking ass! I think they have a decent shot
  to lose to the Colts in the Super Bowl). I had started to drink wine
  that Amy's parents had. It was some very potent red wine. We also
  played  Trival Pursuit Pop Culture 2 (I also got that for Amy)
  which I kick ass at. Amy and I wound up on the same team, which sucked
  for everybody else because she and I are the best players. Of course we
  won, but it wasn't as fun as it could have been for Amy. She hates
  playing with me or against me because I have an answer (and usually the
  right one) for just about every question. We play every Christmas, but
  she won't play any other time with me.

  You people have to tell me if you ever had this happen to you before. I
  don't drink wine all that often, but I have never seen this happen to
  anybody. The wine turned my mouth purple. My lips were so purple, it
  looked like I was wearing lipstick. My teeth and tongue were both
  purple. In fact, it was all still purple when I woke up this morning.
  Even now, after I have eaten a lot of shit today, my teeth and tongue
  still have a purple tint to them. What the fuck, man.

  We left shortly after midnight, primarily because I was passing out on
  the couch. I swear, drunk time flies. Again, I didn't blackout, but the
  whole ride home was a blur. All I know is that we were home about 12:30
  or so.

  I had a pretty fierce hangover for most of the day, but I still managed
  to get out of bed at 8:45 this morning. I can never sleep late when I'm
  drunk. Jt used to say he had the same problem; he would always wake up
  at 8AM the morning after drinking no matter how late he went to bed. I
  had plans to see Uvon, so I took some headache medicine, showered and
  headed out there. I was feeling much better by the time I got there,
  but that didn't last. After leaving his place at about 12:30, I went to
  Mark's house to hang out and play games. I got there about 1:45 (after
  stopping off at home for a few minutes) ate and then passed out on the
  couch for an hour. By that time, John, and Amy's parents had arrived. A
  few more people arrived and we hung out and played pool and darts. I
  played Mark in air hockey and actually somehow won. I was not feeling
  well, so I left at 5:30, right about the time they busted out the
  karaoke machine they got for Christmas. Ohhhhhh, karaoke, why do people
  love it so?

  • 10:19 pm
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