February 15, 2006

• So, are they going to charge Cheney with any crimes or what? I have
  heard that he did not have a hunting license. But, from the looks of
  things, the prosecutor in Texas will probably not charge him with
  anything. Now, if this was anybody else, they would be charge with some
  sort of crime. I know it was an accident, but a man was shot and nearly
  died. Accident or not, somebody should be held responsible. And that
  somebody is the Vice President of the United States. Do you realize how
  many vice presidents besides Cheney have shot somebody? Take a look at
  this long list:

  1. Aaron Burr
  2. Nobody else.

  Its just amazing how bad things have gotten for the Bush
  administration, it seems like each week something worse happens and
  things just go from being worse to even worse. Of course, for somebody
  like me, none of this is bad, I sit back and find Bush’s troubles
  amusing. When it is all said and done, It will probably go down as one
  of the worst 2nd terms in American history.

  Ohhhhh, today is the start of spring training, at least for the Cubs.
  Each year in mid January, I start really missing baseball and this year
  was no different. And, for some reason, Comcast Sports Net has been
  replaying certain Cubs games from last year. They even had a pretty
  goofy promo which had the words on the screen “Baseball is back” and
  right below that it said “Coming soon.” Ok, how can it both be back and
  coming soon at the same time? Nevertheless, I’m anxious and excited for
  another season, even if I have to deal with some asshole Sox fans.

  I’m really starting to like the straight guy at work more and more each
  day. And, each day, I find myself trying to find reasons and excuses to
  talk to him. I know its a dead end and I know I shouldn’t do this to
  myself, but yet, I’m powerless to stop. I don’t want to be one of those
  gay guys that is convinced he can turn a straight guy gay or think “he
  is gay, he just doesn’t know it yet.” Yet, every instinct tells me that
  if I got him out of work, sparks might fly. We get along great and seem
  to have decent conversations. And, he seems to show an interest in me.
  I know he is a “metrosexual” but the lines between homosexuals and
  metrosexuals have blurred so much. He has so many “gay traits” is
  downright funny. Allow me to explain my thoughts on metrosexuals.

  You know how closeted gays struggle with their sexuality? They are in
  denial about their homosexuality and don’t want to be gay and have a
  hard time accepting it? Well, with metrosexuals, they are in denial about
  their heterosexuality and don’t want to accept it. Lets take a closer
  look, shall we. First of all, I’m going to need your help to come up
  with another word for metrosexuals. You know how homosexuals have so
  many words for themselves, such as gay and queer. Well, metros need
  their own word. Because they are one step from being gay and can stand
  in for any homosexual in a heartbeat, lets call them understudies, but
  please feel free to come up with other words. Now, understudies know
  how to dress. The guy at work dresses better than just about any
  straight guy I have ever known. Most understudies don’t like sports,
  except when it is hip to do so, you know, like during the Olympics or
  when the local team is in the championship. They are thin and neat and
  very well groomed. They are interested in taking very good care of
  themselves. They like musicals and are Democrats. When you look at how
  all of those are things that are normally associated with gays, the
  line the separates homos and heteros is rendered virtually invisible,
  causing malfunctioning gaydars and girls to even be more interested in
  these guys than hetero guys. One can certainly see how this could cause
  a problem. Like gays in denial that yearn to be straight and try to live
  a straight lifestyle, these understudies yearn to be gay and try in vain
  to live a gay lifestyle. Like the gay guy that forces himself to be
  attracted to females, these understudies try hard to get turned on by
  guys. They even go out and watch Brokeback Mountain and might even
  attend gay pride parades. But, at the end of the day, they are still
  fucking the pussy much to their disappointment.

  So, what are we to do to make the line between gays and straights
  visible again? A simple solution really: everybody is constantly drunk.
  A lot of people show their true colors when they are drunk. People
  become more horny. You would know instantly, because if they are drunk,
  they start hitting on people they are attracted to. And of course,
  since you too are drunk, you would be too busy to care that the person
  you are interested in is actually  not on the same page as you,
  because you would be busy hitting on a person you actually have a
  chance with. Oh, I know this means people would be going to work drunk,
  but wouldn’t this make work more tolerable? Think about it, the
  annoying co-worker that you just want to stab with a pencil all of a
  sudden becomes your drinking buddy, the person that will not only buy
  another round, but also get up to get it too. And for those that are
  violent, pissed off drunks, they will become so unpleasant and
  unattractive that nobody will give a fuck if they are straight or gay,
  as long as they leave you the fuck alone. And if you fuck up, you have
  a built in excuse: I couldn’t help it, I was drunk! Ahhhh, what a non
  confusing world this would be. For a lot of us, this would drastically
  increase our chances of getting laid. And, it would save us the
  embarrassment and the time wasted in trying to pick up somebody who
  “plays for the other team” because we would know right away if they are
  gay. So come on people, are you with me? Tomorrow at work, show up with
  a 6 pack and a box of condoms and let your genitals do the rest of the
  work.

  • 10:16 pm
  • 4 Comments