February 27, 2006

• I was watching some program on the Discovery Times channel over the
  weekend on the rapture. Man, this shit is fucking hilarious. First of
  all, the whole thought of the rapture was invented by a guy in the
  1800s, based on his interpretation of the bible, if you can believe
  that. I think he had a little too much time on his hands, see what
  happens people when we have no tv to keep us busy? People start making
  up even more shit about the bible. I find these people both endlessly
  amusing and annoying at the
  same time. I mean, for starters, for people that are anticipating the
  end of days, they are awfully mello. I think they get stoned a lot. A
  LOT. Think about this for a second. Whenever there is impending doom,
  people panic. During fires or tornados or robberies, there is always a
  portion of people that are just out of their minds with panic and fear.
  The rapture people, they are convinced it is going to happen in their
  lifetime and they are calm, cool and collected. You have to respect
  that, no matter how fucking loopy they are. Now, if they truely believe
  the end is coming, shouldn’t they be busy preparing for the end? First,
  I say fuck their retirement savings and 401K. Oh, and since they aren’t
  going to be needing their social security, how’s about passing that
  onto
  the current elderly. And, since they are going to die anyway, they
  don’t need health insurance. And when they go to the doctor, they
  should be the last ones to get treated. Think about it, no point in
  getting that new kidney, after all, you aren’t going to need it. By
  your calculations, the rest of us are going to be on the earth much
  much longer, so we are going to use it longer then you will. I mean,
  that’s like buying a toddler a brand new Armani suit, they will only
  use it
  for a few months before outgrowing it. Think about how many uninsured
  people there are out there, if  the rapture people give up their
  shit, we would have more than enough to cover everybody. And, since
  some of our schools are overpopulated, the rapture people no longer
  will be sending their kids to school. The left behinds are going to
  need all the education and savvy possible if we are going to defeat the
  Anti-Christ. We need to be mega prepared. Oh, and from now on, no more
  clothes for the rapture people, when they are all summoned they are
  going to leave behind their clothes and therefore quite a mess and I
  will be damned if I’m going to clean up after those fuckers.

  Now, the rapture people are very much about their faith and God and
  this whole earth they claim he has created. So, in theory, they should
  be all about protecting the environment, right? WRONG!! They don’t give
  a shit about the environment. This doesn’t make sense. After all, your
  Christ is supposed to be coming back, shouldn’t we at least tidy up for
  him? I mean, when your parents come over, you make sure the house is
  spotless, right, but you mean to tell me the Heavenly Father sends his
  only son to take care of business and you can’t be bothered to pick up
  the trash from your fucking lawn? And what about the air quality? What
  if the Christmeister is asthmatic and has trouble breathing here on
  earth? And how about the whole polar ice caps and global warming? Sure,
  He might be able to walk on water and therefore not sink, but what if
  he gets really drunk, hits his head and passes out face down, when the
  ice caps melt He will be face down in water. The earth is in disgusting
  shape, its kinda like a frat house after a party. So, here is a mop, a vacuum cleaner and a pole with a pointy end,
  get working rapture people, after all, you will have plenty of time
  since you will quit all your jobs since there is no point to your
  working.

  The thing thats so egotistical about the rapture people, is that they
  go around trying to recruit people and honestly believe that they know
  what is right for everybody else. And, they believe that no matter how
  good of a person you are, if you don’t accept Jesus, you will be left
  below. And, you can do whatever you want in life, as long as you accept
  Jesus, you will be saved. So, that means that The Dali Lama will be
  hanging with us, but should Bin Laden all of a sudden find Jesus in one
  of the caves he is running around in, he will be saved. Does this make
  any damn bit of sense? On the other hand, it gives me a blank check to
  any and all kinds of mayhem. From now on, if you piss me off, I will
  beat the shit out of you. And if you really make me angry, its ok to
  kill you. I can also now walk into any store and steal whatever I want.
  Ignoring homeless people? That’s my new bag, baby. But the best part is
  all the free and promiscuous sex I’m going to have with any and ever
  gender. And why stop at humans. I’m going to fuck who and what I want
  whenever I want. There will be no stopping me. Imagine, the havoc I can
  cause. I think I will go into the committing everybody’s sin business. I
  will call it, “Sinful Business” and my motto will be “Let Mike sin for
  you.” And the bigger the sin, the more money it will cost. And its all
  ok, because I will find Jesus and he will give me sin immunity. And I
  might need some workers, so who wants to walk with me and Jesus
  committing all the sins the non rapture people don’t have the balls to
  commit? Come on, it will be fun, and all you have to do is find Jesus.

  Of course, the Simpsons brilliantly lampooned the whole rapture thing
  last season on an episode and it was funny as all fucking hell. I
  didn’t know that they were making fun of the “Left Behind” series of
  books, but once I found out, it made that episode even funnier. I
  swear, that show is amazing it never ceases to amaze me.

  • 8:56 pm
  • 3 Comments