March 10, 2006

• Those of you that are faithful readers will know that each week I go to
  a dumpy bar in Bolingbrook with some friends. We play pool and every
  now and then, some guys come up to us to challenge us to a game.
  Tonight a guy by the name of Clyde came up to us with his old man
  friend. He introduced himself to all of us and I told him my name was
  Paul and Heather’s name was Samantha and Chris’s name was Jenny. For
  some reason, he didn’t seem to care much for finding out the names of
  the girls. I think it was because he wanted to play us in pool. After a
  few minutes he walked away, it gave me a chance to come up with stories
  for us in case he came back. See, when drunk strangers walk up to me in
  bars, I always make shit up. So, I had a story planned out for Heather,
  or should I say Sam, she was having an affair with a 62 year old man
  she met on the Internet or an affair with a 18 year old linebacker from
  the local high school, it was her choice. As for Chris, she was going
  to be a single mother of 4 whose husband died in prison. She is a
  hairdresser and a waitress and this was her first night out in 3
  months. As it happened, we didn’t have to use those stories. He did,
  however not only keep eyeballing the table, but he also came back
  several times to try to get us to play for money. One time he came over
  and asked me if his old man friend had challenged us. I said he asked
  if he could play, but not challenged us. He told me that he would be
  paying for any games. I said that due to “an incident several years
  back, I don’t bet on pool game, since I spent 3 nights in jail the last
  time I played for money.” He eventually walked away from me, but this
  didn’t end. He came back up to us and said that he would play for $10 a
  game. I told him we don’t play for any less than $500/game. His jaw
  dropped and Randy quickly said we won’t play for money. The dude then
  said “I want this table” like some kinda asshole. Randy told him to go
  pay the bartender $6 and she can tell us to get off the table when we
  are done with this game. The guy refused to do that, instead, he just
  stood there trying to talk us into playing him and his old man friend
  for money. This is when I realized we had to take him out. So I whacked
  him in the kneecap with my pool stick. Ok, so it was more like I turned
  around and walked away. He continued on with John and Randy for a while
  longer before he gave us the rest of his pitcher of beer (which we did
  not drink) and left.

  A little while later, Heather, Randy and I went to play darts. During
  the last round of the only game we played, Heather decided that she was
  sick of sucking and wanted to just throw them all at once. I, the sober
  one mind you, and I talked her into throwing all 3 with her eyes
  closed. As you might expect, she didn’t even come close. I told her she
  could throw again and bent over to pick up the darts. As I was coming
  up, I heard this very loud bang and I fell onto the ground. It was
  right about then that the pain set in. I had whacked the fuck out of my
  head on a ledge. Heather and Randy both rushed over to me as I looked
  at them dumbfounded as to what had happened. Keep in mind, I had drank
  nothing but water. Honest. I swear sometimes sobriety and clumsiness
  doesn’t mix. I should start drinking so that I could have an excuse
  when I do stupid shit like that. Of course, if I were drunk, I probably
  wouldn’t have felt a damn thing. We checked my head and it wasn’t
  bleeding but I have got quite a headache now. How is that Heather and
  Randy drank and I didn’t, but I will be the one to wake up with a
  headache.

  • 2:06 am
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