March 29, 2006

• Cell phones. Blessing or instrument of evil? I guess it depends on who
  you ask, I kind of think its a lot of both. Now, I’m not a cell phone
  guy; I have never owned one and might not ever own one. I realize that
  I’m in a small minority of people that don’t own cell phones. Shit,
  even my mother owned a cell phone, although it was about the size of a
  block of cheese. People are always pestering me to get one and can’t
  understand why I don’t have one. But, I just don’t see the need for
  one. Everybody always says “what about for emergencies”, such as if my
  car breaks down. Well, I do have 2 legs and most people driving by
  either have cell phones or guns, so the way I see it I will either be
  saved or killed, but the last thing I would be is stranded.

  And here is my biggest pet peve of cell phone users and that is talking
  and driving. See, the thing that is so amazing about it is that
  EVERYBODY thinks talking on the cell phone and driving is a major
  distraction and yet, everybody does it. And why do they do it? Because,
  as they always tell me “well, I’m the exception to the rule, I can do
  it and still drive ok.” Yeah, I think I have heard that argument from
  just about every drunk driver that has ever given me a ride home. Shit,
  nowadays, everytime I see somebody fuck up while driving, I see a cell
  phone held up to their ear and they are always clueless that they just
  cut off the speeding ambulance. Or, I honk at them when they nearly hit
  me and they have the audacity to give me “the look” or flip me off, as
  if to say “fuck you asshole, I’m talking over here, can’t you see?” The
  driving all of a sudden becomes secondary, its now more important to be
  able to tell your spouse that you guys don’t have money to buy the
  latest I-Pod version that was invented 36 minutes ago. And these cell
  phone drivers are ALWAYS yelling at other drivers, as if to say “I’m
  such a better driver than you that I can talk and drive at the same
  time, so fuck you, its not my fucking fault that you choose to stop at
  the stop sign.” And, as soon as they are done talking on the phone,
  they are yelling at the driver in front of them to “hang up the piece
  of shit phone and drive.” I used to work with a complete flake of a
  lady at AAA who was one of these chronic cell phone users, this chick
  shouldn’t be allowed to drive unsupervised led alone with a fucking
  cell phone hooked up to her ear. And everytime I would see her walking
  in the halls at work, she would be talking on the cell phone. Walking
  from her desk. In the breakroom. In the parking lot. And yes, even as
  she was coming from the bathroom, which is another topic.

  People use these things in the bathroom at work and other public places
  on a regular basis, you know, because your life can not stop for the 10
  minutes it takes for you to shit and wipe your damn ass. Its downright
  pathetic. And usually, its stupid shit, like them talking to their kids
  because the kid doesn’t know how to fill up the dog’s dish. People now
  think that cell phones are appropriate in EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL
  SITUATION. Its ridiculous. Sorry, but if you are at the store and you
  have to call your wife to ask permission to by the generic mouthwash,
  you have got some extremely serious co-dependency issues. The cell
  phone is a damn leach. And don’t get me started on cell phones at
  sporting events, I have already written about that one before.

  So, here is my solution. Licenses. That’s right, if your IQ is not
  above, say, 120, no cell phone for you, you are officially too fucking
  stupid to use a cell phone. Now, now, I realize that I have no idea if
  120 is a high or low IQ, but it sounds like a reasonable number. Of
  course, not knowing if it is a high numbr automatically means I can’t have a cell
  phone. Also, the penalty for being a dumb fuck in public talking on a
  cell phone is a punch square in the throat, that way, you can’t talk
  for a while. Picture this, you are out on a date and the person you are
  dating gets a phone call during dinner. If they continue the
  conversation for longer then 60 seconds BOOM! right in the fucking
  throat. It works out well for everybody, they save money on the meal
  because they can’t eat and you can talk about yourself for the rest of
  the meal so that they can really get to know you. This might seem a bit
  harsh, but tell me who hasn’t been out to eat with somebody at a
  restaurant and they get a phone call and ignore you for 10 minutes. Its
  rude and annoying and you are sitting there thinking “ok assfuck,
  either hang it up or I’m throwing it in that old man’s bowl of soup.”
  So, you have to get licensed to talk on these damn things, and that way
  it weeds out all the people that shouldn’t be using cell phones, you
  know, like Paris Hilton or Ryan Seacrest.

  On the other hand, cell phones can be great things, but all of you
  probably already know that because you all have cell phones. Therefore,
  I don’t see the need to point out the cell phone’s greatness.

  • 10:44 pm
  • 2 Comments