May 3, 2006

• Have you ever realized that only hot people drive Jeep Wranglers? I
  think its some sort of law. I was driving home today and saw a HOT guy
  driving a Wrangler. And although this wasn't the case this time,
  usually, its a hot guy and they have the top down and the door is low
  and you can see the guy is wearing shorts and has hot legs. To make
  things even better, all passengers in the car must be hot as well. Its
  like they won't sell you the car unless you are hot. And you have to
  have hot friends. For some reason, since I was a kid, I have always
  wanted one of those Jeep Wranglers. But, I could never own one, because
  part of being hot is that you have to meet the height requirement,
  which I, of course, don't meet, so I could never own one. But, damn,
  they are hot.

  You know what religious group doesn't get nearly enough press?
  Satanists. The Christians of course get all the attention and have a
  lot of the power. The atheists and agnostics such as myself, get a lot
  of press because of how much the Christians hate them. The Muslims and
  Jews are always fighting and if its not the Muslims fighting with the
  Jews, its everybody else hating the Jews. The Buddhists of course have
  Richard Gere and to a lesser extent, the Dali Lama. The Scientologists
  have Tom Cruise and the bad press (that tends to happen when your
  belief system  is almost crazier than the bible).  But,
  nobody ever
  talks about the Satanists. They need somebody to represent them. For
  example, the face of Christian whackos is Pat Robertson. The face of
  Wiccan is Stevie Nicks. Who can be the face of Satanists? Will somebody
  ever step up and say they are a proud Satanist? Will a Satanist ever
  run for public office? Maybe they can have a slogan too, sorta like
  instead of God Bless America its Satan Bless America. And how about What
  Would The Dark Prince Do? Now, because I don't believe in Satan, I can
  not be the face of Satanism. But, think about how much you could get
  away with. You know how some  fucking nutjob does something
  stupid, they are always hiding behind God? You know, like when somebody
  shoots up a subway, they say "God told me to do it" or when other
  crazies start wars they say "Oh, God told me to invade Iraq." Well, if
  somebody says "Satan told me to kill my family" everybody would be like
  "well, if Satan told you do do it, you can't be expected to be held
  accountable for your actions." Maybe there is a ball player somewhere
  that is a Satanist and instead of pointing at the sky after a home run,
  they just blow kisses and point down. Just once, I would like somebody
  in an Oscar acceptance speech to say "I want to thank my loving wife,
  my wonderful parents and all those that support me. But, most of all, I
  want to thank the dark lord and my savior, Satan, without you sending
  Tom Cruise to the nut house, I never could have won this award. All
  hail Satan!" And imagine if a Satanist actually became president. I
  mean, unless Bill O'Reilly runs, its never going to happen. Instead of
  the typical prayer during an inauguration, there would be a High
  Priestess of Satanism to lead the country in a reading of  "The
  Dark Lord's Prayer" and at the end, they would say "Satan be with you."
  And when somebody is talking about the afterlife, they wouldn't be
  talking about going up to paradise with God  in Heaven, but
  instead talking about roasting with the flames with Lucifer in Hell.
  See, you just don't hear enough about Satanists. For some reason,
  Christians think their natural enemies are gays and abortionists. But,
  technically, shouldn't it be Satanists? I would think they should be
  protesting Satanists more than anything else, but they don't and its
  all because the Satanists won't do more to publicize their cause. They
  should get dressed up in devils outfits and go door to door, just like
  the Jehovah's Witnesses. Imagine, they ring the bell and start off by
  saying "Hello friend, have you heard the news about Satan?"  Next,
  they would go into their whole pitch about how they can pick up with
  all the sins God doesn't let you do and you don't have to worry about
  freezing in the afterlife. I'm thinking they can really get at least
  some jaded Christians, such as lapsed Catholics, to join their cause.
  Wait, I have to go, I think I see a couple of them coming down the
  street now.

  • 9:49 pm
  • 2 Comments