June 19, 2006

• Damn man, there is nothing quite like sports. Now, I'm well aware that
  I'm preaching to an audience that doesn't like sports, but allow me to
  state my case. I watched game 5 of the NBA Finals last night (GO
  MAVS!!! I've got lunch riding on this series) and it was an endlessly
  entertaining game of big shots and high drama. This is all part of why
  sports, especially in the playoffs, is so damn fun and compelling. Its
  the not knowing what is going to happen aspect. Unlike tv shows,
  movies, or reality tv, sports is not scripted and although the
  superstars get all the attention and accolades, sometimes, a smaller
  roll player or lesser known player is the hero (see Steve Kerr, Geoff
  Blum, Deion Branch among others for more details) which really adds to
  the entertainment value. Sometimes, the big star makes a huge mistake
  (Chris Webber, Donavan McNabb, Pedro Martinez, all big names that have
  been the goat in huge games) that costs the team a big post season win.
  That is what makes things so interesting, you truly never know who is
  going to be the hero or the goat. And, even though most of the time the
  favored team wins, that is not always the case, or sometimes, they are
  given a huge scare and almost lose. Its the players who have overcome
  something huge (Mavs forward Josh Howard was born bull legged and
  doctors had to break both of his legs when he was a baby and he had to
  walk with some sort of contraption on for a long time) which really
  adds to the excitement. And seeing some of the players give their all
  and be so passionate (who can forget the site of Gonzaga's Adam
  Morrison sobbing after his team lost in the NCAA tourney.......also, he
  is a diabetic) that makes it real drama, of which no reality show or
  movie can even come close to touching. Its sports at its highest level,
  such as the World Series, the NBA Finals and every few years the Super
  Bowl, that makes it quite possibly the highest form of entertainment.
  When the most is at stake, it keeps you pumped up and on the edge of
  your seat. When you hang on every pitch, on every shot, on every field
  goal, on every play of the game because this is what is going to help
  determine the best from the rest, that is what makes it worth watching.

  Well, I had that dream again. You know the one, where you are running
  through a corn field toward the love of your life, waiting to run into
  his or her's arms.
  And all of a sudden, you look behind you, and an oversized army of
  kitchen utensils are chasing you. And the faster you run away from the
  ladle and egg beater, the bigger and faster they become. You know you
  are in trouble, because they have already eaten your neighbors, your
  high school gym teacher, and the guy that played Punky Brewster's dad.
  All the while, a voice overhead keeps telling you that there is a sale
  on vacuum cleaner bags in aisle 42. Meanwhile, the person you are
  trying to hug is pointing and laughing at you, because you are wearing
  nothing but a giant box of empty paperclips. Finally you hit a ledge
  and you are unable to stop and you fall over, only to find yourself
  instantly transported behind a dumpster as you watch your father
  conceive you with the $13 hooker who turns out to be your mother. Yeah,
  I think you all know that dream, I'm sure you have had it a time or 2
  while tripping from over sniffing of paint thinner fumes. And if you
  think I actually dreamt any of this, than I want you to send me some of
  whatever it is that you have been injecting into the vein between your
  toes.

  You know what the latest, hippest phrase is? On Demand. Its everywhere.
  Today I heard a commercial on the radio for Toyota in which you can
  stop in and get a Toyota "On Demand." And don't forget to call the
  radio station, where you can get your song played On Demand. Of course,
  the company to start the On Demand trend was Comcast, (for those of you
  not in the area, Comcast is a cable company)  where you can watch
  dozens of programs On Demand. Sure, this is great and all, having quick
  access to all these things. If only the rest of society worked this
  way. Does anybody find it odd that when people really need something
  "On Demand" they can't get it?  Allow me to explain. Just try
  walking into a hospital and getting that liver transplant you so
  desperately need On Demand, instead its "no, we will put you on a
  waiting list, but if you want, here is a song On Demand. Sure, we know
  all you need is a new liver, but why do you need a new liver when I can
  just play All You Need is Love, right here, On Demand. Or how's about You Can't Always Get What You Want"
  while you wait." Sure love is great, but what that person really needs
  is the liver of that old man who couldn't make it across the street
  before the cab driver from On Demand Taxi Service hit him. And its not
  only organs. Its also money. What's that, you need $1200 for your rent
  by tomorrow or you are going to be evicted? Well that's just too damn
  bad, but when you get your cable hooked up at the homeless shelter
  choose Comcast and get dozens of programs On Demand, that should really
  make you feel better. You need the courts to have your deadbeat baby's
  daddy to pay the 8 months of back child support he owes? I have set the
  hearing for 7 months from now, at which point your child is going to be
  suffering the ill effects of malnutrition and wearing raggy clothes.
  But don't worry, you can have this tuna sandwich On Demand. See this
  doesn't make sense. Instead of finding ways for people to get their
  porn and Metallica quicker, shouldn't we be finding a way to get that
  13 year old his new kidney and that family their welfare check? See, I
  have a solution. You have to combine these things. So, when you have
  your On Demand hooker, instead of paying her in cash, you pay her in
  organs. Shit, anything that is quicker should cost more. And you only
  really need one kidney, right? Sure, I will play you your Evanesence
  song, but first you have to pay a month of Mrs. Smith's child support.
  Need that quick fix of crack? Sure, no problem, I can give it to you On
  Demand, but only if you pay Screech's mortgage (seriously people,
  somebody, please pay Screech's mortgage www.getDshirts.com ). So next
  time you watch an episode of Entourage On Demand, please think of
  Screech, lord knows, there are no jobs On Demand for him.

  • 11:23 pm
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