July 6, 2006

• This driving safe is for the fucking birds! As many of you know,
  because of my tickets I have been trying to drive as perfect as I
  could, because another ticket means my license will be suspended for 3
  months. Now, I have to change my whole way of driving. For example,
  normally, I would be in the left lane seeking out the person that is
  speeding. Now, because I don’t want the temptation to speed, I have
  been driving in the right lane behind the slow drivers. This is so
  frustrating, as I just want to get in the left lane, slam on the gas
  and fly past them. But no, instead, I follow the old lady in front of
  me at a safe distance. And nothing is more lame than driving with
  windows down and something great blaring out of the radio, like
  Metallica or Van Halen or the Black Eyed Peas as you are driving the
  speed limit in the left lane while mini vans and semi trucks speed past
  you. I mean, when you hear a song like Van Halen’s “Panama” you should
  be speeding, shit, its practically a law to speed during that song. But
  nooooooooo, I can’t speed, I have to be careful. Now, I know all of
  this is my own fault and I shouldn’t be speeding anyway’s, but it sure
  is damn frustrating.

  Every 4th of July they have that hot dog eating contest. For some
  reason that is beyond me, they try to claim this as a sport. I have to
  have an extremely emphatic opposition to this as a sport. Its eating,
  its not a damn sport. Sorry, but if it causes your cholesterol to go up
  and you to get fatter, it aint a damn sport, its a meal. Sure, there is
  the danger of  choking to death, that doesn’t make it a sport, I
  mean, when was the last time you saw them stop a football game to give
  a linebacker the Heimlich Maneuver. Can you just seen an official
  saying this during a football game: “Offsides, number 54, choking on a
  meatball sandwich, first down!” Sure, its funny, but it doesn’t go with
  the whole theme of football. And you don’t wear a bib in any other
  sport. Sure, catchers wear chest protectors, but its to protect their
  chest from foul balls, not to prevent mustard from getting on their
  jersey. If eating is a sport, than whose to say taking a shit isn’t a
  sport? I mean, if putting it in is a sport, than certianly flushing it
  out  has to count for something, right? 
  “Live from Orlando, its the World Series of Competitive Shitting! And
  here comes our returning champion, Terd Crapper, fresh from a visit to
  White Castle! Boy does he look like he’s gotta go, he has got a stack
  of newspapers under his arm thicker than a dictionary.” Sure,
  you can make an argument for a pissing contest being a sport, I mean
  what guy among us hasn’t tried to out piss somebody in a public
  restroom or try to piss further during a frat party, but its still not
  a sport. Just think about all the other everyday activities that can be
  a sport. Brushing your teeth. Showering. Breast feeding. Wait, now the
  breast feeding, I might be on to something. Just undo the bra, hook the
  mouth up to the nipple and the first one to burp without crying wins.
  And because there are naked boobies involved, guys will pay big bucks
  to see that. Now how about competitive cleaning? Just look at them race
  their vacuum cleaners like their lives depended on it. But, the biggest
  reason why eating isn’t a sport is because binge drinking isn’t a
  sport. I ask you people, is their anything that requires as much
  dexterity and balance as a keg stand? That alone makes it a sport. Then
  you toss in walking and not falling over, being able to still see
  straight enough not to spill your drink all over yourself  and
  most importantly, the endurance to keep drinking. If that’s not a
  sport, than surely eating is not a sport. I’ve been to college parties,
  out drinking your buddies is about as competitive and as important as
  any NHL game. And just see how serious the mood turns when you run out
  of beer. Its the drinking equivalent of a sport injury. Everybody gets
  quiet and for a few minutes, there is a silent panic until you find
  somebody sober enough to make a beer run. And when somebody throws up,
  its kinda like when a player makes a boneheaded play. Don’t think so?
  Just compare the reaction next time somebody throws up with your own
  reaction the next time somebody on your favorite team fucks up. Now,
  clearly, drinking is more of a sport than eating, and honestly drinking
  still isn’t a sport. So lets just call eating what it is: pigs eating
  themselves so full, they need to be helicoptered home.

  • 9:43 pm
  • 4 Comments