August 30, 2006
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I have to say, I’m worried about getting older. Oh, sure, there are all
the normal reasons for not wanting to get old, such as looking like
shit, losing hearing and hair and of course, the grim specter of death
smacking me right in the face. But, there is something else to be
worried about. Getting weird. And not just weird, but completely ape
shit fucking odd. Now granted, I do know people that are older then me
and with the exception of my sisters, they seem fairly normal. After
all, my sisters were both odd before they got old (for the record, they
are not really old, only 45 and 42, but for the purposes of this post,
old is to be defined as over 40). Then there is my cousin Sharon, who
has gone from being the normal, sane one in a ridiculously fucked up
family to being nearly as fucked up as the rest, if not worse. Now none
of you know my cousin, so you can’t relate. So, lets look at celebs.
Just look at the list of these people that were not nearly this fucking
out there until they turned 40. Michael Jackson. Tom Cruise. Prince.
Mel Gibson. Bob Dylan. Any member of the Rolling Stones. Madonna.
(please, post comments and say what celebs I might be leaving out, I’m
sure there are a lot more). Sure, they were fucked up previously, but
after turning 40, they have taken it to a whole new (and in Gibson’s
case) anti semetic level. See, this is what I’m concerned about. I’ve
always been………er, a little left of normal, so am I doomed to
becoming really abnormally fucking weird in say, 10 or 15 years?
Especially with the oddness of my sisters, is it in the genes? I mean,
just look at Jackson and Cruise, they are odd beyond repair. There aint
enough pills or surgery in the world to make Jackson normal and Cruise
wouldn’t even take the pills. I had a friend say to me once that when
you are rich and a fucking weirdo, that you are not considered a
weirdo, but instead, you are considered “eccentric”, but if you don’t
have money, you are a fucked up weirdo. So, I guess this means I have
to become filthy rich by the time I’m 40, so that I’m only considered
eccentric, because, that sounds much cooler than fucking weirdo.So, once again its hurricane season. This, of course, means tons of
radar looks at the formation and movement of hurricanes on the so
called tv news networks. I was taking a piss today when I realized that
peeing in one direction of the toilet kinda looks like a hurricane.
Those of you that are guys, next time you are taking a whiz in the
toilet, keep peeing in one direction and pay attention to the circle of
bubbles that will appear. It starts to circle in one direction, just
like a hurricane. There is always a center of the bubble stream and in
the center is a hole, kinda like the eye of a hurricane. And at the end
of the circle, there is a tail just like the hurricane. And if you are
really going for a long time, which happens A LOT with me (because I go
long stretches without going, you know, kinda like how a camel goes a
long time without water) the circle of piss bubbles will start to fill
in the hole and break up, just like a hurricane does once it gets over
land.Shit. This is not helping the goal of not being a fucked up weirdo once
I’m 40. In fact, this is actually adding to it. I should just shut up
now. But, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t keep going.See, so when you are done, you flush and it all goes bye bye and
replacing it in the toilet is a fresh gallon or 2 of water, kinda like
how the hurricane is replaced by sunny skies. Just try to notice that
the next time you really have to go, you know, like the next time you
are drunk and you are first breaking the seal.
