December 22, 2006

• Today we had our work Christmas party at the White Eagle golf course club house in Aurora, from 4:30-6:30. Everything was great. Check out this plum deal I got out of it, though. Normally, I work from 9:15AM-6PM. Today, I started at 9:15 and had 2 breaks and a 45 minute lunch. We got off at 4:30 because of the Christmas party. I was happy that they were going to be paying me until 6, but then found out that wasn't the case. Turns out, they were paying us until 6:30, since that was when the party ended! So, not only did I get a free meal, but I got paid to eat this free meal.

  The holidays are always bittersweet for me. When I was a kid and even up into my 20s, I loved Christmas time, it was my favorite time of the year and Christmas was my favorite holiday. But, I have been traumatized by the events of 7 years ago. 7 years ago, my mother was dying of cancer and that has stayed with me ever since. This time of year always reminds me of the living hell that we went through, and because of that, the luster has been taken off of Christmas. Now, in a weird way (and I don't expect anybody to be able to understand this fucked up logic) but I have a sense of, for lack of a better term, pride in perservering through what was by far the most difficult time of my life. But, as a by product of that time, I am also forever scarred. Sure, I love our annual holiday traditions, like Mark's Christmas party, Rene's Christmas party and Christmas Eve breakfast with all my friends. And those are great and wonderful ways to forge new memories. But, I just can't help but think of my mom. Now, I don't want to make it seem like its all sad and I sit and ball my eyes out, because as you all know, I'm an emotionless robot. But, every year, there is something missing, there is a hole inside of me that can not possibly be filled. I don't know if its even as simple as saying I miss her. Its not like I was that close with her. But, its just.............its hard to describe. Its almost like I miss her because of what happened and because I'm not like most other people, I don't have my parents. I almost feel cheated, how many people were without either parents by the time they were 24 (ok, Mark can relate as well). Sure, there are a lot of people far less fortunate then me. I'm eternally grateful that I had 24 years with my mom and not 23. And I'm fortunate that I had 4 years with my dad and even have at least some memories of him, whereas some people never even know their dads. Still, I feel like its just not right and I feel almost guilty and ashamed of losing my parents at such a young age. Because, when I tell people this, they always feel sorry or sympathy and sometimes treat me different, when I don't want sympathy or to be treated different, I just want to be normal. I'm way off topic at this point. I should stick to the holidays. I know that my life was forever changed because of those events 7 years ago. And each year, I wait for things to feel normal, but such is the rouse that is life, there is now a new normal and a new reality that has replaced what I used to know. This is life now and I can never have back what I had before. I don't know if I even want to flush away those horrible memories of 7 years ago, as tough as they were, they are part of me and help to shape what I have become. I really don't know how to end this post, except to say that I'm thinking of her and I hope that she knew we would forever be changed.

  • 3:39 am
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