January 16, 2007

• Shit, what a fucked up day. First of all, I go to leave in the morning and my car doors are frozen shut. Took me like 5-10 minutes just to get into the car. Then, I had to clean the snow and ice off. When I get to work, our website was down, they had changed servers over the weekend and shit wasn't working. I need that to work, when it did come back, it was so backed up we never caught up today. There was another software that was down too. Also, the keypads for the doors were not working throughout the building. Then, I see a fax machine was not working properly. One of the vending machines was not working and therefore, it was totally empty. I swear, it was like Y2-fucking-k all over again. When things finally started working, we became overwhelmed with work. Its so bad, I'm going to come in at 7:30AM tomorrow! That is waaaaaaaaay early for me, normally  I don't even get up until 7:30.

  You know how when some people get really really fat, they have to have their stomachs stapled? Well, I think I want the opposite. See, I gained 7 pounds over the holidays. Since Jan 1, though, I have lost like 4-5 pounds. Now it seems like because of my dieting, my stomach as shrunk and I can not eat as much. Inspite of my lack of size, I have always been a big eater, capable of eating far more than one would think, courtesy of a hollow leg where I store all the food. I'm concerned that once I come off my diet and I need or want to eat tons of food, say like when I go to a buffet, I will not be able to eat as much as I used to. So, I need the opposite of a stomach staple, maybe a stomach extension or an addition onto a my stomach, kind of like when somebody wants to expand their house, they get an addition. I know this might sound a little crazy, but what am I going to do the next time I feel the need to ingest 5 pounds of food. Just imagine, I go into the hospital weighing 135 pounds and come out with a tummy extender, which allows me to eat my way  up to 145 pounds in one sitting. I know this sounds like it might be a tad bit unhealthy, but hear me out. I recently had a tooth replaced, so this gives the new tooth a chance to earn its keep, make it worth the money I spent for it. Also, my pants have gotten a little loose, this means I don't have to buy new clothes, just work my way into a nice, snug fit. Concerned about potential cholesterol risks? My friend Tom has a theory that there is no such thing as bad cholesterol, all cholesterol helps keep the blood moving and flowing. I am a little bit concerned about how I will look, but with Americans getting fatter and fatter, I will still stand to be practically anorexic, especially compared with those tub of lards in Texas. Sure, I run the risk of a myriad of diseases such as diabetes, but really I think that is a small price to pay for the chance to be able to eat a whole pizza in one sitting. Wait a minute. With diabetes comes the risk of impotence. Fuck that, I'll be damned if I'm going to go impotent any earlier than I need to. See, I bet more people would be serious about getting in shape and eating healthy if you told them their wiener would never get plump. See, and that's how you do it, you have to use food analogies to get people interested and for them to understand. Its kinda catch 22 if you will. I should rephrase that. Its more like a 16 ouncer..................as in steak. Ok, so that was lame, I'm too lazy right now to come up with something else.

  • 10:14 pm
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