February 14, 2007

• I never really quite understood Valentine's Day. You know, I really can't think of any better way to celebrate the violent and bloody beheading of a man than by getting laid. See, that's what happened to St Valentine, he got beheaded. Now perhaps there is somebody out there with a beheading fetish so they decided that his beheading would be a good excuse to get laid. Now I know what the myth is, that we are supposed to celebrate how he defied law and married soldiers that weren't suppose to be getting married. But, it makes for a better story if somebody has a beheading fetish.

  So, you all know about the whole Rev Ted Haggard story. If not, lets do a quick recap. He was born gay. When he became an adult, he decided to go into religion, who knows why, maybe because he hated himself. Anywho, he eventually blows enough people to become the head of the Evangelicals here in America. Apparently, blowing his way to the top just wasn't enough, he must have developed a taste for the cocksucking. I can't blame him, I'm a bit of a cocksucker myself; its the pretending to be Christian and the hating of gays I find so appalling. So, a few months ago, its discovered that he is having an affair with a gay hooker who happens to sell meth. Wait, maybe I should Christian this up a bit. He repeatedly  sins with a solider of Satan while doing a mind altering drug. Of course, all of this was Satan's fault and made worse by liberals and  the homosexual agenda. So, Reverad Ted was sent to homo rehab, so that he can be cured of the Gay and become pure again, ridding himself of all that bad man juice and damning sin that his life had become. So, my question is, how does one become "cured of homosexuality?" Well, fortunately, we gays had somebody on the inside to show us what a day in the life is like when one is trying to give up mansticks completely cold turkey.

  5AM Wake up call. What could be a more manly wake up call than spraying everybody with cold water from a hose. Nothing looks more heterosexual than staring at a room full of soaking wet recovering homosexuals in nothing but drenched t-shirts and boxer shorts. After seeing this scene, Rev Ted can be anymore awake............in more ways than one.

  5:20AM Morning workout. Nothing exudes masculinity than a well shaped man. Nobody can understand why Ted worked up the biggest sweat, even though all he did was spot a couple of weighlifters and hand out towels in the locker room.

  6:30AM Shower. The Rev is the last one to finish showering and for some reason, can't seem to keep the towel wrapped around his waste

  7AM Breakfast. We want to keep things as straight as possible, no sausage links for us. The Reverand is not very hungry, so he just has some fruit. He goes right for a banana.

  8AM-10AM Morning poker game with the boys. Gambling for money is not legal, so Ted comes up with an idea to play Strip Texas Hold-Em

  10AM-Noon Tv time. Since there are no new Sportscenters on at this time, Ted insists upon The View followed by Oprah.

  Noon Lunch. In trying to serve nothing but manly meals that remind the men of female body parts, lunch consists of pink tacos. Rev Ted must not be that hungry because all he eats is the beef from the taco and the sour cream.

  1PM Nap time. Most manly athletes take naps. Ted spends this time sneaking a peek at the latest issue of Franks & Beans Magazine .

  3PM Afternoon movie. The goal here is to try to watch a manly movie, such as a John Wayne movie or Die Hard. Ted picks out Brokeback Mountain.

  5PM Dinner. Time to have the ultimate man's meal, steak and potatoes. The good Reverand has a potato but refuses to eat the steak, saying he is "watching his figure".

  7PM Game time. Its time for a game, tonight's game is Risk. Ted's color: pink

  9AM Lights out. Ted's hands fall asleep between  what appears to be 2 pillows. Only, those aren't pillows!

  The point is, you can not cure homosexuality. Why can't these people understand this? Perhaps they would be a little more laid back if they just smoked a little pot. I mean, imagine how much more easy going and accepting they would be if Jesus was actually a stoner. They wouldn't care what anybody did as long as you didn't fuck with their stash. In fact, I have the perfect picture they can use:

  

  • 10:39 pm
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