March 1, 2007

• I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine physical. He tells me I'm as healthy as can be, although I haven't gotten the results back yet from my blood test for cholesterol and all that jazz. This got me to thinking, maybe I'm too healthy. A while back, I made a decision that I'm going to develop an addiction of sorts. So I tried everything, starting with cigarettes. They did nothing but make me cough. Alcohol made me piss. A lot. Crystal meth had no effect, when I realized that it was actually just brown sugar mixed with blue koolaide and cement. Nothing seemed to be working, which really didn't make sense since my mom was addicted to gambling and my dad an alcoholic and they both smoked. A lot. . If there is an addiction gene, than any addiction should be right up my ally. Shit, with parents like that, I should have come out of the womb shaking and in dire need of a nic fix. But, no. Still, I never give up on my goals. I'm proud to say, I'm now addicted to caffeine! Good ol' coffee! I used to never drink coffee. As I got into my twenties, I would drink it occasionally. When I started my current job and I had to be up early every morning, I started drinking it 2 days a week, Mondays and Fridays, because the previous nights were the ones which I had the least amount of sleep. Soon I was up to about 3, maybe 4 cdays a week. Now that my hours have changed to be starting at 8:motherfucking-cocksucking15 in the stupid fucking morning, I'm up to drinking it 5 days a week! Granted its only a cup a day. I think it qualifies as an addiction because I when I don't have it, I more tired then when I do. Plus,  I have not had any since Tuesday and yesterday and today I have had headaches, which some consider a side effect of withdrawals. Still,  I never would have started the damn addiction if I didn't think it would kick ass, and so far it does. Now, I'm a naturally hyper person, you can't shut me up for a good portion of the day. But, once I have a cup of coffee in me, I take it to another level. Oh, how I pity my co workers. What is even worse is when I mix the coffee with hot chocolate, I'm jumping off the walls when I do that.

  Another reason why I wanted an addiction is that people with addictions can do anything and get away with it. All they have to do is blame the addiction and go into "rehab" and everything is ok. It makes me wonder, what can I get away with now that I have a coffee addiction. Maybe I can finally come to work naked, I can say I was going through such bad withdrawals that I couldn't get dressed, I need to get to work as soon as possible to coffee. Another idea is to speed and no longer stop at red lights. My excuse there is that the addiction has such a grip on me, that driving recklessly is the only high that can compete with caffeine. If I were a bigger person I could start beating the shit out of people at random. Shit, I've got all this energy from the coffee that I have to use it somehow and what better way than beating on the face of the old man that has voted Republican since Nixon was in office. Also, the caffeine addiction pretty much can give me a blank check to masterbate wherever and whenever I want. I can't come up with a valid enough reason, except to say that shit, sometimes a good tug in the middle of the day is all you need.  I'm just saying if others can spew anti-Semetic hate, try to pick up teenage boys that work for you, drive drunk, go without underwear and shave your head and all of it be justified because of some sort of addiction, than why can't I have my piece? And its not like I haven't had addictions before. Back in the 1990s I had a severe addiction to collecting business cards. A few years ago, I became obsessed with watching sprinklers go back and forth. So look out everybody, because from now on, I going to be greeting everybody by grabbing their genitals until I beat this caffeine addiction!

  • 10:06 pm
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