March 12, 2007

• Well, we sprung ahead this past weekend, 3 weeks earlier then we used to. As I'm sure this was the case with certain people, there was a lady at work who did not set her clock ahead and you guessed it, she was an hour late. See, this is puzzling to me. I can see forgetting to do it overnight. But, how in this day and age does one make it an entire day not knowing what fucking time it is? You have got to be living in some sort of concentration camp where you are completely out of touch with the outside world. Its one thing to wake up in the morning (or, in the early afternoon) and not realize that you forgot to move your clock ahead. But, to go throughout the entire day without knowing? Come on, how fucking clueless do you have to be? Every job I have ever worked at, somebody in the management level has always said "don't forget to change your clocks this weekend or else you won't get paid next week" or something along those lines. So, that is your first clue. Next there is the radio the whole damn next 2 days ""Don't forget to set your clock ahead (Insert lame ass joke here)" is what every dj says every 10 fucking minutes. And once you wake up the morning after the change, its everywhere. I mean, you pick up the damn paper and right the fuck there on the front page is a clock with the words "YO, DUMBASS? DID YOU REMEMBER TO MOVE YOUR CLOCK AHEAD ONE HOUR?"  And lets just say you don't get the paper, what about your cell phone? Cell phone's change on their own, it should be a sign when you look at your missed call and it says you got the call an hour into the future. At this point, some sort of red flag should go off in your head "either I was abducted by aliens overnight that cost me an hour of my life or this was the weekend we set the clocks ahead. Well, my ass doesn't feel like its been probed, so I must have forgotten to set the clock ahead." Ok, so not everybody has a cell phone. I didn't have one until about 5 months ago.  But, certainly, they have to at least have a computer. I know some older computers weren't programmed for us moving ahead 3 weeks early. But, when you go online and sites like Yahoo say "Daylight Savings Time comes 3 weeks early" you have to start asking yourself questions like "Do you think Yahoo meant Daylight Savings Time comes 3 weeks early to my state? Hmmm, I don't live in Indiana or Arizona, it must be us." Ok, so let's assume that these people had a virus from checking out too much porn and the computer wasn't working. Its possible. After all, who among us hasn't gone to GotMilf.com and fucked our shit up? Its safe to assume that unless you have some sort of major odor problem or are afraid of any sort of contact at all with any other human being, you would have talked to or seen another person. And, at least one of those people is bound to say to you in that ever cliched way "Oh, did you remember to set your clock ahead last night?" Everyday for the first week or so of Daylight Savings Time, somebody always says "oh, its staying light out so late since we changed the clocks ahead this past weekend." Ok, let's say you are sick with a nasty case of the refunds and deposits and you don't talk to anybody. At the very least, you are going to turn on the damn tv. And if you have cable or satellite, the menu says it all: the damn time. Maybe you don't have cable, you should still be ok since just about every station has the time in the corner on occasion, this should tip you off. By the time the late news comes on you should know. I mean, they don't call it the 10 o'clock news because it starts at 9 o'clock! Its not like they are going to say "viewers, we have started an hour early, we were just too lazy to change the name of our newscast to The News at 9, so we are still going to be called The News at 10, now an hour earlier!". The way I see it, after all of those signs, if you still haven't changed your clock by the end of the day, you probably are not fortunate enough to NOT die before going to bed.

  Maybe I've been too hard on the clueless wonders of the world. I have a solution. Those 2 days a year when we change the clocks, should be treated just like New Year's Eve. Imagine, THREE New Year's Eve every year! That would totally kick ass...........outside of the odds going up by 3 times that a drunk driver is going to kill you before you change you clocks. Shit, you can't possibly forget to change your clock if you shell out $200 a ticket for some party at a swank hotel downtown. Or, maybe you having your own party at your house. The mere fact that you have a group of 45 people at your house should be enough to remind you that "shit, I know these drunk ass fucks are here for a reason? Oh, yeah, time to change the clock." And if it is the fall and we go back an hour, it gives you an hour more of drinking time! Treating it like New Year's Eve and making a big deal of it can't possibly fail, shit even FEMA would be on time if you threw a pre planned party. Ok, almost on time. And if it is like New Year's, people can set off fireworks, that way, if you are one of these lame asses that is in bed by midnight, you can be awoken to the sound of fireworks and instantly remember "time to change the clocks!" Its a win-win situation for everybody. And then nobody has an excuse for not changing the clock. Ok, so you might be too drunk to know which way you are turning the clock, backward or forward, but shit, even those odds are 50/50, which when you think about it, are pretty damn good odds. So start planning people, this year's first New Year's Eve comes the first full weekend in November!

  • 9:08 pm
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