March 14, 2007

• Remember Bo Burnam from YouTube? Well, he is back with 3 more funny songs. One of them is very appropriate for today's post, so here is the link:

  http://youtube.com/watch?v=6B4Lrl9pdAA

  You know what is driving me right the fuck nuts? Somebody out there thinks I'm old. And I don't mean that joking around "you are in your 30s" type of old. No, I mean retired, going deaf, emitting a weird odor old. See, I keep getting mail for retired people. Mail from AARP. Junk mail for hearing aides (seriously, if you are in the market for  hearing aid or perhaps you just feel like you want to have some sort of super hearing, check out this website http://www.hearusa.com/ for all your hearing aid needs), life insurance and many other things. The funny part is that it always has my middle initial as "M" instead of what it should be, "R". Ok, so I look like I'm pushing 50 and I have the prostate of a senior citizen, that doesn't mean I am one. All right, so in high school my nickname was old man, does that mean that every 2 bit scam on senior citizens should be attempted on me? By the way, I got the nickname because I'm not very flexible. We were stretching in gym class and I have never been able to touch my toes while stretching. The gym teacher yelled at me and said "Damnit Consalvo, you stretch like an old man. If you were a horse, we would have shot you by now." That's honestly what he said, I am not making that up. But anywho, I digress. Just how exactly does one get signed up to receive all of this shit in the mail. And more importantly, how does one get off that list. For crying out loud, I get a fake id, pose as a senior citizen a total of only 87 times to get the senior discount at Denny's and next thing you know, I'm getting mailers for caskets and funeral homes. Look, I admit it, I look like hell. Somebody recently told me I look worse then my father did 5 years ago, which is not good because he has been dead since 1980. But still, do I really look like I need the free wheelchair trial? Now hearing aides, well, that's one thing, I would without a doubt go to http://www.hearusa.com/ should I need one. But there is no way I look old enough to "find dating in my golden years." I am also not part of "The Greatest Generation" so Tom Brokaw, you can shove your series of great books right up your hemorrhoid filled ass. I mean, its not like I need free samples of Levirta. Besides, I'm still only going to be swingin a 4 1/2 inch bat, so whats the difference. Ok, maybe that was too much info.

  That being said, what the fuck is with "the old person smell"? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you know exactly what's up. Everybody knows that funky smell. The thing is, its not even a bad smell, although it sure as hell aint a good smell either. Its just a smell. For example, there is this older lady I work with who has to be in her 60s. Well, she has that odor. Bad. In fact, its not just her cubicle that smells, its her whole damn region. If anybody needs to find her, all they need to do is follow their nose..............it always knows! You can sniff that lady out of a sulfur mine. And what's even weirder is that she can't be any nicer, which is funny. It seems like the nicer the old person, the odder the smell. Its kinda like how they can tell how old a tree is by its rings. Well, you can tell how nice an old person is by the potency of their smell. I think its nature's irony. They get grow old and become lonely and want people to be around them, so they become really nice. Yet, people avoid them because of the weird smell. See, it all makes sense now. There is only one thing that is baffling: what is that fucking smell. Does skin start to develop an odor when people get old? It seems to be  more common with females, so maybe the cooch gets a bit stinkified. Who knows what the hell it is, but its definitely weird. And its not like it goes away when they shower. Although, to be fair, I have never been around an old person after they got out of the shower. Oh, sure, there was that time I took a bath with old Mr and Mrs Clark, but I didn't pay attention to the smell, I was too focused on the sagging, I mean, why were my balls sagging lower than his? But I know some of these old people shower on a regular basis, so why the smell? And talk about strong? They die, you move their shit out and the house still smells. For weeks. In fact, it even brings down the value of the house by at least $10,000. I'll tell you what, you want a million damn dollar idea, you should come up with an anti stink spray for the old person smell. And here, I will even give you a name for it: Senior Mints, it leaves each room smelling minty fresh. See, that's where the money is people, fuck that instant erection shit, most of these old men have been limp for such a long time, they wouldn't remember what to do with it.

  I have to go now. The Levitra is kicking in.

  • 10:20 pm
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