December 16, 2007

• Last night, I had a bit of a..............run in. They searched my bag for evidence but there was none. I thought I was in the clear until about 20 minutes later when they took me into a room and held me against my will for probably 45 minutes. I was threatened with torture. I was slapped and poked with a sharp object. They would not let me talk to my attorney or make any phone calls. I screamed police brutality but they just covered my mouth so my screams were muffled. They told me they would not let me go until they had answers. As bad as things got, I refused to talk. I new everything  they wanted to know, but I never give info, no matter what is done to me. That's right people. I would not admit to those two 7 year old girls that I was indeed Santa Claus!

  Yesterday I went to a Christmas party at the compound. As I mentioned, I dressed as Santa for the kids. The party was at Rene's, so I snuck out of the house to go next door to turn into my alter ego. I came back and did the whole Santa thing. Now I should stress that Nicole (Keith and Heather's daughter) and Corina (Rene's daughter) have suspected the past couple of years that I'm Santa. Nicole LOVES me to death, so she might just know me too well. Last year they asked me if I was Santa, to which I denied. This year though, was a different story. When I was there, they all acted like I was the real big guy. But when I left, I walked out the front door, Corina, Nicole and some of the other kids went to the window. They stood there staring at me. I stood in front of the house, with snow falling down waiving at them. The whole time I kept thinking "will some adult PLEASE come to the damn window and pull the kids away?" The whole time, I could see the very top of Randy's head sitting on the couch. If only I could text message him, but Santa doesn't have a fucking cell phone now, does he. So I started to walk towards Keith and Heather's, but I couldn't just walk in their house with the kids watching. And of course, the kids REFUSED to stop watching. They wanted to see my sleigh. So, I walked on the side of the house, tripping over the sidewalk that was under construction. Then, the neighbors saw me and started yelling "HO, HO, HO Santa!" I walked in front of the Keith and Heather's so that the kids could not see me. After a few minutes, I was able to sneak into the house and got changed.

  When I got back to Rene's is when the fun began. I was on the phone with Kelli when I got in the house, carrying my Cubs duffel bag. I walked into Logan's bedroom where it was quiet so I could talk. Nicole and Corina followed me though. I got off the phone and they started asking me questions about Santa. They then opened my bag and searched for evidence. But, I was good. I had nothing Santa related in there, just a sweatshirt, cell phone, wallet and keys. Flash forward 20 minutes. I was in the kitchen when Corina came in there and asked me to come with her into her bedroom. I got in there Nicole was there to close the door behind me. This is when the interrogation started. They pushed me down on the bed and started to jump on me. They asked me if I was Santa and I said no. They hit me and slapped me (playfully.............I don't want to get them in trouble, Nicole's mother does read this) and told me that they wanted to know. They asked me questions like "why did you have the same glasses as Santa?" and "why was Santa so thin?" to which I replied "Slimfast". I'm not doing this nearly enough justice, the whole thing was adorably hilarious. At one point, Corina kept turning the light off because she thought she could get more information from me that way, but Nicole kept yelling at her to turn it on because she was afraid of the dark. It was classic. I wonder if the interrogators in GITMO have those same arguments? Now when I  was taken into custody, I was eating a pretzel rod. They took it out of my mouth and said they were going to poke me with it until I talked! When I was telling the story later, somebody said they must have gotten this all from Blues Clues, because torture is how Blue gets his clues! The whole time, I kept yelling "POLICE BRUTALITY!! I HAVE RIGHTS!!! I WANT TO TALK TO MY LAYWER!!! The whole thing was over in about a half hour or 45 minutes when their parents wanted them to "settle down".

  I also popped my Nintendo Wii virginity last night. We played baseball, boxing, golf and bowling. I have to say, it was really cool. Although the baseball game was kind of primitive, the bowling and golf totally kicked ass. Damn, video games have come a LONG way since Pong.

  • 6:31 pm
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