January 14, 2008

• The time is now people. Its time we have a female leader. A female in charge. A lady to lead the masses. No, I'm not talking about a female president. I talking about a female cult leader!

  I was watching this thing tonight on cult leaders. They practically had a Hall of Fame of cult leaders. Jim Jones. Lil' Chuckie Manson. Some evil Mexican dude. The only people who were missing were David Koresh and that CREEEEEPY Heaven's Gate dude. I realized though is that much like American presidents,  the whole cult leader thing is pretty limited to white males. Ok, so the one dude was Mexican, technically some people lump Hispanics in with Caucasians. Nevertheless, with equality being so important, when are we going to have the first female cult leader? Really, why can't they do it. Let's look at some qualifications to be a cult leader:

  1. Have a HUGE, massive ego. When you think its a big enough ego, double it. Think really big. You know, like Cher sized.

  2. Get people to worship the ground you walk on. That one should be easy, there are some guys I know who would fall over themselves for a pretty face. As somebody once said, chicks have the "magic pussy" which means they can get guys to do whatever they want.

  3. Brainwash people into believing you are Jesus or a Jesus like figure. You've really got them once you reach this level. I mean, its fucking serious at this point. You are pretty much unstoppable.

  4. Get people to commit evil deeds. Once you've got legions and armies of people who will literally kill for you, what you have got then is a full fledged cult.

  Wait a minute. Massive egos. Worship, brainwashing and evil deeds. Hell, I think I just described Evangelicals!

  Shit, I think the time is right for a female to emerge and really take command of these people. You know, 9 out of 10 cults fail on their first mass suicide attempts and it doesn't have to be that way. And maybe all we need is a chick to really put them in line.

  What am I even thinking. Only guys would have such large and demanding egos that they brainwash people into believing they are Gods. Fuckin men. Such ego freaks.

  Why isn't an escalator that is going down called a de-escalator? People still call it an escalator when clearly its not escalating. And I'm just as guilty of it as everybody else. I call the de-escalators escalators as well and am powerless to change. Its actually pretty stupid when you think about it. Well this is it people. I'm gonna change. And not only am I going to change, but I'm going to start a whole revolution of change. Soon we will all be calling down escalators de-escalators. Only I can accomplish this. Only I am tough enough to achieve this impossible dream. And I'm asking.............no, I'm telling all of you to follow me. I am the perfect person to bring change. I know this because I'm the one who got people to stop using the phrase "The Bomb". I also got people to stop playing the Macarana. Yes. That's it people. Bow down to me, your superior. Now that I've got your attention you will see that I am now your God. You will forever refer to me as Jesus Of De-escalator. That is all you will ever be allowed to call me. And we will reign terror, death and destruction on those who refuse to "De-Escalate".

  Now repeat after me, the Jesus Of De-escalator

  "Oh, de-escalaty stairs, your steps are so steep.
  We fear we are not worthy of your gravity defying powers
  We pray that you will spite and bring pain on your enemy escalators and those who ride against us.
  Deliver us safely to the bottom where we can rejoice and live a sacred and safe life on the first floor that only your de-escalation could bring us
  We vow never to use the escalator in vain.
  Even if our backs are heavy with the burdens of fast foods of poisonous nature.
  Oh, de-escalaty stairs, you are the only one that can bring us down
  For we know that we are not worthy of being at the top.
  For He is the only one worthy
  And by He we mean Jesus Of De-escalator.
  By way of the stairs, elevator or ramp
                                 De-escalate."

  There. Now people, do as I have commanded you and say the prayer of De-escalation 400 times tonight before bed. And bow down to this picture of me:

  

  • 10:21 pm
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