January 23, 2008

• This lady at work had a heart attack on Monday. No, she didn’t have the heart attack at work (we were closed Monday for the holiday) but tomorrow she will have triple bypass surgery. I find the term heart attack kind of funny. An attack, as if your body is starting a coup and attacking from the inside. Its like your body is saying “the heart has attacked you and unless you do what we say, the kidney will attack next. Really, what it is, is your body rebeling against bad shit that you have been doing all these years. Things like smoking, being overweight or eating poorly. And your body is finally saying “listen here fucker, we have had e-fucking-nough of this shit, we are in charge and we are going to show you how serious we are!” Next thing you know, you are having shortness of breath, numbness in your left arm and chest pains. And you instantly say “Oh fuck, what’s going on?” Its like there is a civil war going on inside of you. In fact, they might want to start calling it a heart civil war instead of heart attack. I mean, as long as they are using the term heart attack, they might as well go all out and really over do it. After all, your heart is going all out in its unplanned attack. And in this day and age in which everything is so over dramatic and sensationalized, maybe heart civil war is the better term. Maybe they can have different terms for heart attacks. You know, like if its a minor heart attack, they can call it a “heart insurgence”. Next, you have your heart revolt, a little more serious but does not yet require a zipper job. Then, once you have to be cut open, its a heart civil war. That really gets to the seriousness of the problem. And finally, should you be unfortunate enough for it to be so serious that the party is now over, that can be called a heart nuclear war. See, this really helps to describe the heart attack. I mean, if you say somebody had a heart attack, you automatically think the worse and assume its very serious. Which is not to say its not serious, but lets face it, there is a huge difference between a mild heart insurgence and a heart nuclear war. Otherwise, some people hear heart attack and they start clearing their schedule for the funeral they assume they will be attending in 3 or 4 days.

  Fuck. I sure as hell hope that karma doesn’t come back and bite me into a heart nuclear war.

  • 11:02 pm
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