February 6, 2008

• So the lady at work asked me again today about being an Atheist. She even brought it up to another lady who didn't even know what an Atheist is. Once she found out what it was, she was stunned to learn that I am an Atheist. She even responded with something like "But you are always so happy and not mean." I suppose I should be offended by that comment, but the reality is that she honestly just does not know any better. I figure I would take the time to explain Atheism, maybe once she understood she would not think that way. Also, the other lady he made the comment about Atheists voting even said that I was the first Atheist that she liked. I guess that is supposed to be a compliment. All of this has made me realize a couple of things. First of all, most people have some prejudices and believe in some stereotypes about Atheists. They don't understand us, they don't want to understand us or they are just afraid of us. Neither of these ladies fit those descriptions. Instead, they were curious (as everybody is) about Atheists. They had a lot of questions like 'how do you deal with stress if you don't believe in God" and the ever popular "why are you an Atheist?" As usual, I think both of them will try to convert me at some point. Another thing I realize is that much like the gay issue with many of my friends, I am their only connection to an Atheist. I've got to almost represent Atheists, I don't want to sound too egotistical or overstate this, but I can influence their whole thinking and opinions on Atheists. Now I would like to present to you some interesting facts you might not know about Atheists.

  • Instead of going to church every Sunday, we get together to discuss the previous week's bowel movements.
  • In lieu of praying, we just close our eyes and hope for the best.
  • Atheists don't believe in an after-life. We believe that when you die, the party is over and expect our ashes to be snorted and smoked by Keith Richards, you know, since he never dies.
  • Most Atheists don't celebrate Christmas. Because of this, we don't spend the rest of the year breaking our backs to pay back the credits cards charged up in December.
  • We don't use the phrase "Oh my God!". Instead we say "Holy fucking shit!" which might sound a tad bit hypocritical because of the term holy. But, we aren't using the term holy in the religious sense, instead we are using it in the sense of having lots of holes because we Atheists have a lot of holes in our shit. This is why our weekly meetings about bowel movements remain so fascinating each week.
  • We don't say "God Bless You" after a sneeze. Instead we ridicule and beat the shit out of the person for spreading their germs. Ok, I should clarify. I beat the shit out of them and ridicule them, most other Atheists just ignore them. Can you blame me though? I don't want to get some disease from a sneeze and end up dying. I mean after all, after you die there is nothing else. If only there was an after life.............
  • Contrary to popular belief, Atheists don't believe in Satan or Hell. Unless of course you are a Cub fan, in which every day is a living Hell. Fuckin Cubs. I'd sell my soul for the Cubs to win the World Series.
  • We don't believe Jesus was the son of God. Instead he was just some kick ass hippie dude who ran around spreading a message of peace, love and understanding. You know, kind of like the Grateful Dead, except totally different.
  • There are no 72 virgins awaiting you in a an after life paradise. Instead their are 72 worms waiting to feast on your body should you not take the Keith Richards route.

  So there, now you have it, a brief guide to Atheism. Hope you enjoy!

  • 10:40 pm
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