February 7, 2008

• Those of you that don't live in Illinois might not of had this problem, although if you are east of us beware, its on its way. We had a pretty significant winter storm yesterday complete with freezing rain, snow, wind, you know the whole bit. Well I came out to my car after work at about 6:15 in the pm. The car was of course covered in snow and ice. The ice around my driver's side door was kind of thick and therefore the door wouldn't open. The passenger side door would not open either. So here I am, freezing my ass off trying to get my car. I always try to go easy on the handle because I know that the handle could break off and then I'd really be fucked. Well, I mean I'm probably not strong enough to break the handle, shit I have a hard enough time opening the door when its not frozen shut. So what to do? Usually when this happens I start breathing heavily on the cracks of the door, you know like I'm some kind of phone sex operator. This wasn't working. So I had to think quick. Oh, I know. I'll piss on the doors. My piss must be about 98 degrees, so that might be my best shot. So I whip it out. I realize that although my cock is looooooooong, I'm short and its just not long enough to reach the top of the doors. I realize that I'm just gonna have to get on top of the car or on the hood. I get on the hood and start to piss, clearly though I'm too far. Amid the ice and snow, I somehow manage to get on top of the car. This has to work, I've got a great angle. But its so cold that my piss is nearly freezing midstream, or so it seems. My dick was freezing so much, it was almost trying to hide. This lady from work walks up and asks me what the fuck I'm doing. The conversation goes something like this:

  Lady: "Just what the fuck do you think your doing?"
   
  Me: "Would you buzz off, can't you see this is none of your damn business?"

  Pissed lady: "Oh, I think it is seeing as your stream of piss is blowing right the fuck into my face."

  Me: "Well I'm sorry about that, but I'm frozen the fuck right out of my car. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to piss off my car!".

  So she leaves and I continue, however it just doesn't seem to be working. Plus, because it was ball shrinking cold out there my balls had now ascended back to their original home next to my...........well, wherever the hell it was they came from. So I start to zip up when I hear somebody yelling at me. Turns out the lady went and got the security card. Great, now he is pissed.  I guess some of my piss must have gotten on his car or something, I really don't know. Honestly though, who the fuck drives their convertible with the top down in the dead of winter anyway. So  I climb back down off the car mumbling obscenities because I just can't believe my luck. If only my piss and gone more onto my doors and less onto that lady's hair and face and the security guard's leather seats. While getting off the car I slip on some ice. The security guard and and lady ask if I'm ok but refuse to help me up. The don't want to touch my hands for whatever reason. I dunno, apparently they were covered in piss. I mean cut me some fucking slack here you fuckpods, I was just pissing off my frozen car for shit's sake. So I stand up and now I've got to actually get creative with getting in my car. None of this old shit of pissin on my car the same way they did it in the 1950s. I had to be resourceful. I took my work badge and started chipping away at the ice around the door. After a few minutes I was able to break through on the passenger's side and get into the car. Inside were flowers and Madonna cds and I'm like "What the fuck? Who put this shit into my car?" I got out to scrape off the ice and the lady was now there with the cops. Turns out she was so pissed because it was her car  I was pissing on!

  Ok, so that whole story is not true in the least. All right, only 2 things from that story are true, the rest were made up by my fucked up imagination, can you guess which parts were true?

  • 9:48 pm
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