February 19, 2008

  • I've decided that tomorrow (and by tomorrow I mean Wednesday. If you are reading this on Thursday that means yesterday. If you are reading this on Friday, what the fuck took you so damn long? Shit, I could be dead by Friday. If you are reading this today, Tuesday, than you are a loyal and reliable reader. If you are reading this yesterday, meaning Monday than you either own magical powers in which you can tell the future or you own a time traveling Delorian. Either way, can you do something to make me so filthy fucking rich that I don't have to work) I'm going to give up sugar for a day. Maybe two days, it really depends on how much of a sugar junkie I actually am. Answer: a huge sugar junkie. As you all know I'm a chocolate freak. And my day usually starts with a sugar filled cereal, a lot of times chocolate flavored. When I get to work I have one cup of coffee, lots of cream, lots of sugar (bonus points if you know what movie that's from..........since you don't know I will tell you: Beaches. Or maybe it was Pulp Fiction. I dunno, its easy to get them confused, especially since I've never seen Beaches and have no desire to see it. You can see my confusion though, can't you). And people always have candy or cookies or many other things at their desk which I munch on. And a lot of times I will have oatmeal for lunch, which although healthy can contain sugar. See, I'm a naturally hyper person, but sugar only adds to my jumping off the walls personality. Maybe by the end of the day I will be a complete and utter wreck. Perhaps I will actually be able to sleep tomorrow night and it won't take me 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. Either way it shall be a fun and interesting challenge.

    I've been watching this thing on PBS about Mormons. Its two shows broken into 2 hours each and for those of you that are mathamagicians, equals 7 3/8ths hours. And because this is PBS, its a solid 4 hours because there are no commercial breaks.  I DVRd it so I have been watching it in segments as opposed to all at once. It has been very interesting. I have to say I didn't know much about Mormons before but I do now. A lot of people think the Mormons are nuts, crazy or just a cult. And yes all of that may very well be true, but honestly, can't the same be said about all religions? Still, that does not justify how other Christians have really persecuted them and excluded them. Its just the same old song and dance for Christians who always seem to be persecuting, denouncing or hating all sorts of different groups of people. Its so damn arrogant of them.

    But, I digress. Here are some little know facts that I have made up about the Mormons:

    • Mormons have magic underwear that as soon  as they put on gives them a magical, instant erection which can not only be used for intercourse, but also for use as a sword as well. In fact (and by fact I mean totally complete shit) one person even put out another person's eye in the Great Sword Cock Fight of 1903.
    • Mormons believe in plural marriage. Ok so everybody knows this one, but did you know that they also believe in plural divorce? That's right, say you aren't happy with one of your wives, you can use that one wife to get rid of all of the other wives! Its a unique loophole in the Mormon Charter which allows plural divorce to be decreed among all your marriages.
    • Brigham Young once knocked up Babe's Ruth's mother. Old legend has it that he was walking down the street in his magic underwear when his penis sword popped out and flung his "magic beans" (its well known in the Mormon faith that he referred to his sperm as magic beans) 2000 miles to the east where Ruth's mother was. From that day forward the American government legally made him wear a cock sock when he was in public.
    • Former Mormon leader Charles A Callis wanted to de-saltify the Great Salt Lake so that people's eyes would not burn when being baptized in the lake. Of course the ironic part here is that I just made up the world de-saltify.

    So there you have it, just a few facts about the Mormons. I hope to have more as I finish reading the rest of the program on PBS. Yes, I'm well aware that I just referred to it as "reading the program on PBS. Deal with it.

    What am I going to do without sugar?

Comments (3)

  • Without sugar, you can give us more "facts" about those crazy Mormons. Here is a true fact for ya...Mormons believe that Jesus Christ will rise again outside of Branson, Missouri. That is why all of the power players in the church have homes out there. They want to be neighbors with JC when he comes back.

  • Sugar is a highly addictive substance.  In fact, they say it's the sugar in alcohol that alcoholics are addicted to.  You should tell your Catholic relatives who are praying hard for your conversion that you gave up sugar for Lent.  Don't explain or elaborate.  Just keep them guessing.

  • EAT SUGAR BY THE POUND!!

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