April 22, 2008

• Today is Earth Day. Of course if you are reading this tomorrow then that means that yesterday was Earth Day. And by yesterday, I mean Tuesday, which is actually today. Therefore if you are reading this today than today is actually Earth Day. This much I do know, you are not reading this yesterday because I didn’t write it until today. Oh, and Who’s on first.

  Anywho, with that out of the way, lets talk about the earth, shall we. I’ve always considered myself a bit of an environmentalist so here are some issues that are dogging the earth.

  • Global warming. As it turns out, the earth has been undercooked all these years. Global warming is the earth’s way of raising temperature so that it can properly cook. Many people think this is bad for the earth, but honestly why would anybody want an undercooked earth. I say, lets fire things up, after all if the earth has been cold all these years it deserves to finally be comfortable and happy, especially after all it has done for us.
  • The ozone layer. Everybody knows about the hole in the ozone layer. It actually has gotten smaller in recent years, or so I’ve read. We need to do what we can to help the earth out and reverse the trend. See, the ozone layer is like a gross layer of slim that covers a body of water; it looks nasty and nobody wants anything to do with that water. We need to remove this gross film that covers the entire earth. Just think of how nasty you feel after not showering for a few days. The earth feels like that all the time. We need to help the old man out.
  • The cutting down of trees. Trees…………..what a fucking nuisance. Trees are kinda like ear hair or nose hair or chest hair that has just grown out of control. You trim that shit, its the only way to look good. Nobody wants to look in the mirror and see a hairy ape starring at them. Well same thing for the earth. Cutting down trees keeps the earth looking spiffy and neat.
  • Polluted water. Recently there was a study that revealed that most of America’s drinking water has prescription drugs in it. There has also been water that has been polluted with other chemicals. This is good for the earth. This means the earth is having a good time and partying hard. So the earth would fail a drug test, big fucking deal. It just shows that the earth knows how to unwind and live it up. I say good for the earth, finally after a few billion years she is able to let go and not worry about what others think. Its about damn time.
  • Litter. On the surface litter is good. Literally. See, the litter and garbage on the surface of the earth  covers up the earths bad spots. Its kind of like make up, put there to hide the wrinkles and make somebody look good. Just ask a celebrity if they are willing to go without their make up and the answer is “hell fucking no.” Same thing with the earth and my thinking is why should be deprive the earth of looking as good as possible at all times.
  • Air pollution. We all love a nice sunset right? Well, that comes from pollution. Its kind of the earth’s version of plastic surgery. Somebody gets old and they want to still look young and attractive, well the pollution helps the earth keep its youthful look. Shit, he has to do something, I mean after all how many billions of years old is the earth?
  • Extinction of species. Well, that’s just like the earth having an STD. Getting rid of some of those annoying species is like getting rid of crabs. Sure, crabs aren’t deadly like some STDs, but instead they just annoy the shit out of you makin you wish you had never nailed that chick in the port-a-potty at Lollapoloza. The faster we can help the earth get rid of some of those species the easier it will be for the earth. And, he won’t have to keep reaching down to scratch “the south pole” if you know what I mean.

  See, now I hope you all understand how important Earth Day is. I know this is about the 37th or 38th Earth Day and I say its about damn time the earth had a day to celebrate itself., kinda like the earth’s birthday. And why not celebrate by the earth getting totally wasted. Now if only there was a way for the earth to roll a big fat blunt.

  • 11:30 pm
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