April 24, 2008

• After many many years of searching, I have finally found out what I want to do with my life. I want to write funeral songs. Ohhhh, I know that sounds cliched  I mean after all who among us has not wanted to write funeral songs. Maybe it has been your dream since you were a kid to write funeral songs. But, I’ve decided that I’m finally going to do it. See, there just aren’t enough funeral songs out there and the ones that are out there are centuries old. I’m going to write songs that bring funeral songs into the new millennium.  And not only will I write them, but I will also perform them. As George W Bush would say “I put the fun in fun-eral!” Ohhh, what a long and prosperous career its going to be. I mean who doesn’t want to have a new, fresh song played at their funeral. I think I will start off with just generic songs about funerals, but maybe as I go along and get more gigs I can start to personalize them. Here, let me give you an example of both and in the process show off my brilliant and amazing writing skills.

  “The Hills”
  “The Hills are filled with people who have love for the lost.
  We in the hills will miss thee who has gone away
  When one is sick with heartburn, take Prevacid
  And maybe then the Hills will be bare
  For there would be no need to hold a funeral
  The Hills, The Hills, The Hills!!!”

  “Now He Burns”
  “After  so many years, he has left us
  I’m sure his kids might miss Peter
  But now he burns with Satan.
  If only he had not been so evil in life
  Maybe then he would not be dancing with Lucifer
  Ohhhhh, sure he had his moments,
  But even, even, even,
  Dick Chaney had his moments
  

  And they will both reside with the dark Father.”

  Certainly you can see the brilliance in my writing. Now clearly these are both just works in progress. They obviously need another few verses. But this is just a preview of what you are going to get. Ok, so there might be one or two people who on an off chance may not want to hear at their father’s funeral that he is now in hell. But I think most people would be open to the idea. Certainly when you are at a funeral, assuming you believe in the afterlife, you sit there and wonder “maybe the departed fucked up royally in some way I don’t know about. They could be in hell right now.” You just aren’t going to say it. Well, this is where I come in. I get to say what you are actually thinking. Maybe I can even work some of their sins or good deeds into the song. They don’t all have to be songs about how the person went to hell. Maybe the person is a a wonderful person with poor hygiene habits and that needs to be put into song. And what better time than at their funeral. The way I see it the funeral is kind of like one of those clip shows or even better a biography of the person. I say don’t limit it to all tears and shit like that. I mean, if the person was an asshole, what better time to come out and say it. After all you won’t get another chance. And maybe the person was a complete and total bore, maybe they can finally shake that reputation by having songs at a funeral that are going to………….I don’t know, bring out the true emotions in people. Yes, funeral songs, that’s totally where its at!
  

  • 10:16 pm
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