May 21, 2008

• Danel told me something tonight about a friend of her’s (I know the friend, I used to work with her at AAA) that was absolutely stunning. The girl went to the ER on Friday because she was having excruciating stomach pains. The reason was because there was something trying to crawl out of her. You guessed it people, she was pregnant and did not know it. She carried the baby to term and did not even know she was impregnated until the delivery. If you are like me, you are wondering how something like this could happen. Well, allow me to explain. First of all, while she is not a thin girl, she is also not a huge girl either. Yeah, she is overweight but not the type of girl who is so fat you wouldn’t know she was pregnant. She went to the gynie (spelling please, its the special female doctor) back in November and took a pregnancy test. It came back positive. She couldn’t understand because she was still getting her period. The doctor told her that if she still got her period next month, she wasn’t pregnant. Well, she got her period. And in fact, she continued to get her period throughout the pregnancy. She also has irritable bowel syndrome (also known as IBS) and often has stomach issues. When the baby kicked, she just thought that it was her IBS. She also never got morning sickness or many of the other side effects of pregnancy. She was gaining weight but thought she might have a tumor because she had a friend who had a tumor in that region and her friend gained weight as well. Nevermind that if one thinks they might have a tumor, perhaps they should go to the doctor. Her boyfriend was told that he is unable to have kids so that played into it as well. And she was supposedly on birth control too. So when you add it all up, I guess I could kind of understand how she could not know. Now granted it has been YEARS since I was last pregnant, but I’m still having a hard time grasping that she didn’t know. I mean, I know this girl, its not like she is stupid or a flake. And yes, I have heard of stories before in which an expectant mother doesn’t know she is pregnant until they go to take a shit and out comes a baby instead, but I have always thought those were just old wife’s tales (or maybe it should be called old mom’s tales).  I just can’t imagine going from not knowing you are pregnant to having a baby the next day. When you think about it, she would not be prepared at all. No baby shower, no clothes, no diapers, nothing. And could you just imagine calling your parents and telling them all at once that you are pregnant and they now have a new grandchild. The whole thing is stunning to me. It did have a happy ending though, both she and her boyfriend are thrilled and very happy to have a baby.

  My friend Dori called me last night. I chose not to answer instead letting it go to voicemail. Some of you might remember Dori from a couple of months ago, she is my longtime friend (going back some 15 years) who found God a few years ago and  needless to say, is not 100% accepting of my homosexuality. Well, she lives about 3 hours away and last night in her message she said that she was coming up here because her mom was having an angioplasty this morning and wanted to let me know she would be in town for a day in case I wanted to see her. I debated back and forth as to when or if I was going to call her back. We have not had any contact since the chat on Yahoo messenger about me being gay (I did come out to her about 5 years ago, but the Yahoo chat was the first time we discussed it since she found God) and right now, there is some tension between us because of the chat. I chose not to call her back.

  If I ever have a son, I think I’m going to name him Zorfis.

  I was pretty much too pussy to call her back. I guess I’m just scared about having the conversation with her again. Scared that afterwards, we would no longer be friends. The reason being is that I can not change being gay. She thinks I can and as we know, conservative hardcore Christians refuse to accept gays or our “choice of lifestyle.” In their eyes, we have no choice but to change or go to hell. And I know I don’t have to have that conversation with her right now, especially if her mom is going through a procedure as serious as an angioplasty. But, how can we not talk about it? How can we just leave it there hanging? Right now I feel like I let down the gay world because I did not stand up and face the music and I did not defend gays. Instead, I just wussed out and avoided the whole thing because, let’s face it, that was the easy thing to do. And when it comes to my sexuality, I ALWAYS take the easy way. I’ve never had to go through the adversity and hell of a rejection based on my homosexuality. Right now, I just feel like I’ve got no balls or spine because I was not courageous enough to have that conversation with her, knowing all to well the outcome. But for me the shame, disappointment  and spinelessness is better than the sting and humilation of being rejected and ending a longtime friendship. Truth be told, I have no idea how to feel right now. The only thing I know is that none of this feels good.

  • 11:29 pm
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