June 23, 2008

  • First of all check out this site

    http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/millionformarriageac

    This group is trying to obtain one million signatures in support of gay marriage. Here is the exciting part. As of the writing of this very sentence, they have amassed 994,333 signatures which means that if you go there now, you potentially could become the one millionth signature. No, this won't get you a free Big Mac or any money. Hell it won't even get you a free blow job (or the female version of a blow job. There isn't a noun that is used to describe eating out pussy, so just make due with whatever you want) but it will get you my respect and your own personal gratification. Ok, so I would have your respect anyway, but the point is being number one million would kick all sorts of ass. Now granted I know that one million signatures is not a lot compared to the number of people who oppose gay marriage, but its a start.

    I was very surprised this morning to learn of the passing of a legend, George Carlin. To be honest, I was never a big fan. In fact, I'm not a fan of stand up comedy in the least as it very rarely makes me laugh. But, I have always liked Carlin and I do respect and recognize him as probably one of the top five comedians of all time. I loved him in Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and other movies. And with regards to politics and religion he and I share the same views. He has been a frequent guest of Bill Maher's over the years and I have always loved hearing what he had to say. When I first heard of his passing, the 2 people that instantly came to mind were Lance and Dave. I had never cared much for Carlin until Lance turned him on to me when we were in high school. He was always a HUGE Carlin fan so I know he had to be bummed by the news this morning, which was not a good birthday gift for Lance, who turned 32 today. As for Dave, he too loved Carlin. He even bought me a Carlin book, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops, a couple of years ago for Christmas. The world of comedy will sorely miss him and amateur comedians such as myself and professional comedians owe him a debt of gratitude.

    By the way, they are now up to 994,371 signatures in the time it took for me to write that last paragraph.

    I was talking with my friends the other day about cargo shorts and jean shorts. They could not understand why guys should no longer wear jean shorts. I tried in vain to explain how they just aren't in anymore so if anybody has any ideas as to why they are no longer in, please do share. My theory though goes something like this. See, in this day and age, men have lots of shit to carry. Cargo or khaki shorts as they are often called, are the male version of a purse. See, 20 years ago you didn't have all this shit to carry. Back then it was basically a wallet and keys. Ok, and maybe a comb. Nowadays, you have all sorts of crap. Let's just take a look at all the things that a man now carries: (now up to 994,381 just because I know you wanted to know)

    • The aforementioned keys. Let's face it, even if you don't have a car you at least have house keys. Or a key to your neighbor's house so you can fuck his wife while he is away.
    • The aforementioned wallet. This is essential. You need somewhere to put your money because you have to carry so much of it to pay for gas. Also you probably need a place to store your identification just in case you are arrested for the ol' pump and dash.
    • Condoms. I know back in the day dudes carried condoms in their wallets. Well, with ATM cards, credit cards, pictures, a drivers license, money and business cards, there is no room for condoms. So you stuff them in your pocket, that way if the bitch steals your wallet, you will at least have a condom left to try to score.
    • Cell phone. Who doesn't have a cell phone now? And why would you attach it to your belt when you can just as soon put it in your pocket and not have to worry about it falling. Also, the vibration of the cell phone feels good in your happy place.
    • Cell phone accessories. This includes a blue tooth, so you can look like a complete whack job who looks like he/she is talking to himself in the store. This mostly annoys people and strangers end up hating you. I should come clean though. I have a blue tooth too. Sometimes it makes my pocket glow, you know, like I have a radioactive glowing penis. Yes, that's it, be amazed by the glowing cock. You know you want it.
    • Cigarettes and lighter. This ain't 1954 anymore, you can't exactly roll up the damn pack in your sleeves.
    • Mints/gum. One must always have fresh smelling breath, especially if you smoke. After all, its the fresh breath that helps you get to use the condom.
    • Stack of fake business cards. You never know when you might want to impress somebody or just feel like giving out a fake phone number to the clingy dude from high school that you ran into on the street. Also helpful should you want to avoid giving out your real contact info after a car accident with some bitter ass Republican.
    • Pocket knife. You never know who might want to come after you so its always best to be prepared. Just a word of warning, make sure to hide it on the guy behind you if you need to get on a plane because hey, better him than you.
    • Bong. Just in case you are walking down the street and the nun in front of you drops her secret stash.

    So see, you can tell right away that there are a number of things that us guys have to keep in our pockets. If this doesn't convince you that cargo shorts are essential in this day and age and pretty much a man purse, or murse. Its sure as hell beats those old fanny packs that some nerd ass guys wore in the 1990s. I mean, given the choice between the fanny pack and the cargo shorts its really a no brainer isn't it? I mean, cargo shorts at least look cool, whereas fanny packs just make you look like you secretly want to be pregnant. I think this is a good start as to why jean shorts are no longer in, but please feel free to clue me in a little bit more.

    Oh, and we are up to 994,395.