July 30, 2008

• So I'm thinkin I should bring at least some sort of protection on my trip. And no, I don't mean condoms (although I should bring those as well). I mean, something to protect me in case of a mugging. The only place I'm even slightly worried about it is in Dallas as I might be out there late at night by myself. And considering that this is Texas and EVERYBODY is armed, I should have something to defend myself. Just a side note, gun sales are up 10% in Texas this year and the theory I have heard is that Texans are worried that Obama will win and therefore increase the likeliness of a terrorist attack. But nevertheless, I need a weapon. I've already ruled out a gun. See, if I get a gun then I have to become paranoid and my eyes need to be shifty. I have to assume that every other person wants to attack me. And I'm just not that crazy. I could get a knife, but that probably wouldn't work either. If I carried a pocked knife, I would have to get several tattoos, would need to start smoking and stop shaving and showering. Basically, I would have to almost become a vagrant. Then there is a baseball bat. The problem with that is its impossible to hide. Also, I'm not exactly in the mafia so I really can't use a bat as a weapon. I think the best thing for me would be pepper spray. Chicks carry pepper spray and let's face it, when it comes to fighting, I'm a chick. And I don't want just your average run of the mill pepper spray. I want pepper spray that is going to be so powerful it leaves the attacker sterile. The question is where do I get powerful pepper spray from?

  I was also trying to decide what to wear should I make it out to a club or bar in Dallas. Many of you already know that I'm nothing if not a fashion disaster. I was thinking about wearing shorts, but was told that one should not wear shorts to a club. So, its going to have to be jeans. And a tee shirt. Maybe a polo, I have to be honest I don't have any good polo shirts that would look good to wear out to a bar. Then there is shoes. What kind of shoes do I wear? Ahhhhh, fuck it, I'll just show up naked.

  I was thinking about something last night. When people have threesomes at somebody's house, who sleeps on the couch? Honestly, you aren't going to fit 3 adult sized people in a bed, that means somebody gets fucked. How is it decided? Does the whole sexual performance determine where somebody sleeps? Maybe the first person to cum gets the couch. That would only be fair if everybody knows before the sex starts that your performance determines where you sleep. Or maybe there is a coin toss. Or rock, paper scissors. Or they draw cards and the lowest card moves their ass to the fuckin couch. Is the subject even discussed before the sex? Because that could ruin a really great evening if after its all over there is some huge fight about who doesn't get to sleep in the bed. I'm all for the performance determining sleeping arrangements, that way you know that everybody is going to be trying as hard as they can and you can almost guarantee you are going to get their A game.

  • 11:23 pm
  • 2 Comments