October 7, 2008

• I just got done watching the latest Obama-McCain debate. Now I'm as big into politics as the next guy, but sometimes these things can be so boring that they nearly put me to sleep or I tend to lose focus and start thinking about sex. Ok, so I start thinking about sex no matter what I'm doing. Nevertheless though. for the most part this debate held my attention. Honestly, I can never tell who won. I think unless the person is an abysmal debater like George W Bush or does something really fucking crazy like winking at the camera every 5 minutes, there is usually no clear cut winner, it just depends on who you ask or what side you are on. I think a winner is not known until the latest polls come out showing who gained and who lost ground.

  So what we need is  not only ways to improve the debates and make them more interesting but also ways to help determine a winner. So, I have come up with some ideas.

  • A winter suit competition. Nobody has any interest in seeing most presidential candidates naked. Also, would McCain's wrinkly old man cockhole stand a chance against Obama's big black cock? So instead of taking off clothes they put clothes on. And lots of clothes We get them so packed with winter clothes that they look like the kid from a Christmas story. Then they have to try to take part in the debate with their arms stuck in the air and their mouths nearly forced shut by scarves and ski hats. Now keep in mind this is for all debates, not just the one that has the dude who has war wounds.
  • Instant fact checking and if incorrect, a giant hose is turned on to force you from the stage. The hose in necessary because if you are a liar than your pants are actually then set on fire by your opponent.
  • If you go over your allotted time for speaking, not one, not two, but three pies are instantly catapulted towards your face from about 20 feet away. Why three? Because let's face it, at a distance of 20 feet it would be pretty easy for you to avoid the pie. Two pies is little more challenging, but still doable. Three pies? Well, that is a real challenge, unless of course the candidate is smart enough to just duck. I'm betting that it would take Biden at least 4 times before he learns to duck.
  • Naked audience members. Sure, anybody can debate when you have a well groomed audience but lets see if you can debate if there are naked people in front of you. And it would be all sorts of people, some hot, some fugly, some old, some young, some male, some female. And they would all be scattered out all over the place. You don't want to look in one direction because you don't want to get aroused, yet you don't want to look in another direction because that fat, hairy dude is disgusting to look at. Your only choice is to look at the camera and in a sense looking the American people directly in the eyes.
  • After every question the moderator does a shot. I know making the candidates get loaded is a good idea too, but honestly, its too easy. Besides the moderator is kinda like an impartial judge and we all know how much fun a drunken judge must be.
  • Ahhhh fuck it, the candidates do shots too. Hell, most of us remember the 2004 debates, it was like Bush was already drunk by the time he got on the stage.
  • Every time you say something bad about your opponent, a leprechaun jumps out and kicks you right the fuck in the shin. I think we can all agree that we are sick of people bashing each other to distract people from the fact that you suck. Stick with the question, don't tell me why the other person is a fuck up, tell me why you AREN'T a fuck up. Oh, and I firmly believe that more leprechauns is just what American politics needs.
  • Each candidate must have a laxative 20 minutes before the debate. How often do these fuckers ramble on past the allotted time. This gives them an automatic excuse to talk fast and hurry the fuck up before they shit themselves.

  If nothing else these ideas would really spice things up. Not only would more people watch, but I think people would take a greater interest in the whole damn election. They would listen to a candidate rip on the opponent at the convention and say "sure you talk tough now, but lets see how tough you are when you have a leprechaun pounding at your shins." And it holds the candidates instantly accountable and honest. I think we can all agree that we want them to be honest.

  Of course, this is a work in progress. Certainly if you have any other ideas please feel free to add them. But, I happen to think that I've got a good start on things right now.

  • 11:50 pm
  • 4 Comments