October 13, 2008

  • So this little town here in Illinois has just save a bunch of money on their road plowin by switching to booze. No, their drivers aren't going to get drunk and then clear all the roads of parked cars and sidewalks of snow. Instead of using salt to melt ice and snow they are following the lead of alcoholic towns in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut by using a substance called Magic Minus Zero which is made from the by products of rum and vodka and mixed with some other shit which is probably magnesium chloride. The substance can remain on the pavement for up to 2 weeks. Shit, just imagine how fucked you would be if rum or vodka remained in your system for 2 weeks? Fuck, imagine the hangover you would have.

    This is like a wet dream for booze hounds, all they need to do is get on their knees and in the street and start slurpin'! Of course then they run the danger of getting plowed while they are getting plowed. I guess one good thing is that if they throw up from drinking too much rum and vodka the plow truck will be along shortly to just push the vomit off to the side of the street. I guess that gives a whole new meaning to the term "pure as the driven snow", don't you think?

     I mean, who would have thought that rum and vodka melts ice? Shit, I've drank rum and coke before and the ice seems to never be melted by the time I'm done. Wait. Note to self, stop chugging my rum and cokes.

    This stuff costs $3 a gallon which when you think about it is very cheap. I mean just try buying a gallon of rum or vodka in the stores, even the cheap shit has to probably go for $10. Ok, to be honest, I have no clue how much a gallon of vodka or rum would cost all I know is that the times I have bought a bottle that wasn't a gallon it seemed to be a lot of fuckin money. Maybe if I tell them that I'm not going to drink it but instead going to use it to melt ice they would give me a deal.

    Which brings me to this, do you think they card you if you are buying it to melt ice? Honestly, wouldn't you at least have to prove that you are old enough?

    Just imagine your town has just been blanketed with a foot of snow, who better to ride in and save the day than Captain Morgan? You look out your door and the booze is flowing aplenty from the back of the snow plow. This would give you another reason to follow that plow, I mean its spewing free booze. I would think this would make the plow trucks a target. The mafia has been raiding booze trucks for years, now all of a sudden they are going to start raiding plows? They drive the plow up to the back of the bar and everybody puts their glasses at the bottom of the plow and fills up. Or maybe people are getting in "accidents" with the plows, just so that they can have them stop to get their booze.

    The way I see it, the world is kinda starting to go topsy turvy. Nowadays instead of eating corn, we are putting it in our cars. And instead of drinkin booze, we are putting it on our roads. What next, are we going to start swimming in milk and using water to build houses? Are we going to start eating boxes and using bread to move shit around? Really the whole thing is pretty damn funny. I guess the in thing is to start trying to find multiple uses for things. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run, I'm trying to come up with a way to use my computer to have sex.

    Much thanks to Randy for givng me the newspaper article.