November 10, 2008

• Overshadowed by the historic Barack Obama victory was the banning of gay marriage by three more states, California, Florida and Arizona. I'm not sure how many states have banned same sex marriage but I believe it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 20ish, which for those of you are not mathemagicians like our current president, that's nearly half of the states. A lot of people are surprised that California voted to ban gay marriage as it has the reputation of being the most liberal state in the union. I think on the issue of gay marriage though, I think Illinois might be more liberal. A couple of years ago a bunch of right wing Jesus freaks tried to get enough signatures to put the measure on the ballot but they failed miserably to get the required number of signatures. That being said, there are still quite a few states that refuse to allow gay marriage. And although i firmly believe that it is only a matter of time before gays are granted to right to be as miserable as everybody else, in the meantime I think we gays should demand a few things until we are given equal rights. After all, if you treat us as lesser citizens, we should be given a different set of rights in order to keep consistency with the rest of the law. Until we are given equal rights, here is what I think we should get:

  • Gays pay a lower percentage of taxes. How the hell can we be expected to pay the same amount of taxes if we don't have the same rights? Of course, when we get this right everybody will be clamoring and claiming to be gay. To prove this any guy claiming to be gay will have to deep throat a carrot in the court of law. Also if you are a lesbian, you should be expected to beat Pat Robertson within an inch of his life. I'm not the least bit worried that Pat might die because as we all know Pat Robertson is pure evil and undead and as we know, you can't kill pure evil or the undead. Oh Pat, what would I do without you.
  • Stop lights are optional. Miserable married people try their hardest to be stopped at red lights because any delay in getting home to their equally miserable spouse is like delaying a root canal. Gays on the other hand can't be married so they can't be expected to be slowed down by traffic signals. After all we are all promiscuous sinners who are in a rush to get laid and pick up any number of diseases. Got a problem with that? Hey, you are the fuckers who won't give us the right to marry because of our "sinful, Hellbound choice of lifestyle", I'm again just keeping consistency here, if being gay is a choice then we should have a choice in stopping at red lights.
  • The right to check books out from the library for as long as we want without fees. Ok so maybe this doesn't sound all that great, but keep in mind that most of the books at the public library are books the Sarah Palins of the world are tying to have banned so why not check them out and give them to neighborhood kids to read and pass around.
  • Government money for gay clubs. See, again it goes back to consistency. With all of the brutality heaped upon Native Americans by the United States government, they were given reservations in which they could build casinos. So we should be given money and land to build gay clubs. See, it makes sense.
  • Naked pictures of soldiers. The only thing gays love more than a guy in uniform is a guy out of said uniform. The military won't let us serve, inspite of many of their own blowing each other in the middle of the desert in Iraq. Nothing would piss those hothead, testosterone filled, gay bashing, bastards off more than knowing that a bunch of gay guys are using naked pics of them to masterbate to.
  • Free rides on fire trucks. Let's face it, firemen are HOT. When I was growing up I didn't want to be a fireman, I wanted a fireman to be with me. Free rides on a fireman.....I mean, fire truck  would drive any red blooded gay guy wild.
  • Gays are now allowed in locker rooms of all sports teams. This one is kinda like the military thing; there is  lots of homophobia in sports. Also there are a lot of hot guys in sports as well. What better way to piss them off then for gay guys to see them naked. Hmmmmm............should we be allowed to masterbate as they are showering? Why not!
  • Elton John's birthday must be a national holiday. I have to admit, I'm not a big Elton John fan. But hey, a holiday is a holiday and like we need an excuse to have another day off work.
  • Focus on the Family must actually focus on the family. That means they must focus on what is best for kids, which is making sure that underprivileged kids have enough to eat and going after deadbeat dads to pay their child support. I don't know about you, but I don't know any gay dads who refuse to pay child support. And if a gay dad doesn't pay their child support then instead of naked pics of soldiers they get naked pics of Newt Gingrich and Denny Hastert. And we all know how fucking fugly Denny Hastert is. Oh, and no library books for them. 

  Ok, that's all I can come up with for now. If you are a homosexual, please feel free to add to my list, as this is just a start and a work in progress. After all we can amend our demands much like these states have amended their constitutions. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Consistency!

  • 10:31 pm
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