November 12, 2008

• Now before I go into this post, I want to stress I’m not one of those dopes who talks about how much better kids have it today then previous generations or how they don’t appreciate what they have. I’m grateful for everything that we have and not envious of younger generations at all as we are all living in this time and all have the same things.

  That being said, I don’t think the younger generation fully appreciates how great the internet is. I should correct myself, I only fully appreciate it when my computer dies. And last week, my computer kicked it old school (for those of you not hip to the lingo, that’s Mike Speak for dying) leaving me without internet access for a few days. Of course, my world was crushed and going a day without the internet leaves me on the verge of a complete and utter breakdown so you could imagine 3 days without the internet; I was practically suicidal. Hmmmm…………..I don’t know about my ending to that last sentence, I mean after all is there anything practical about suicide? My guess is that I should probably shut the fuck up since suicide really isn’t something that should be joked about.

  Anywho, I digress. Being without the internet (or as George W Bush calls it, “the world wide internets”. Oh George I’m sure we will all learn to appreciate your comic value when you are gone) means being without porn. Oh, now I know there are other mediums of porn, such as magazines, movies, sex phone lines and peering in your neighbor’s window to watch them have sex, but all of the aforementioned either cost money or are illegal. Or in some cases both. Let me tell you, its not just illegal to spy on your neighbor’s having sex, its also expensive when you consider the hospital bills after falling out of a tree (insurance won’t cover it……….there is some sort of peeping clause, I dunno, its all a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo to me), the fees for your trial and the cost of having to move after your neigbors file a restraining order on you. That’s right Mr and Mrs Wankochbitz, you can file all the restraining orders you want as long as I’ve got that camera hooked up in your bedroom I can see whatever I want.

  So getting back to the internet and porn. See, as we have clearly demonstrated, other mediums of porn just don’t quite work, especially if you are a poor teenager who can’t afford to pay somebody to buy you porn. But then came Al Gore’s wonderful invention, the pie-cake. And some other amazing person’s invention, the internet, gateway to hours upon hours and orgasm after orgasm of free porn. Now I know there are some people who are stupid enough to pay for porn on the internet, but why pay for porn when if you don’t even try and instead just blindly point your cock in any direction, free porn will instantly come to you. Geez, if you are paying for internet porn, well then you are really soft in the cranium area. And its not just porn, its porn of many and any varieties; there truly is something for everybody, even the freaks.  And here is the best part, you can even be in the porn yourself. There are actual websites out there that let you broadcast you doing things to your junk for the whole world to see, and it doesn’t cost you or them a dime. People used to get paid to be in porn and people used to pay to get porn. Now you can all do it for free thanks to the internet. Its easier than a cheerleader on prom night.

  See before the internet I had to use my own imagination to fantasize. And that became work. It wasn’t enough that I had to jerk myself off, I also had to come up with my own sex-visions and hope that nothing weird creept into them, you know, like my mom basting a turkey. But with the internet, it does all the work for you and all for free; all you have to do is jerk or insert into a hole of your own choosing. Oh sure, you have to pay for the internet connection, but the cost of the actual porn is free. Back in the old days I used to have to come up with different fantasies with different people and let me tell you, once I got out of high school, I didn’t exactly have a plethora of acceptable dudes to jerk off to. I wound up using the same ones over and over and I can’t tell you how boring that gets. But with the internet, you can jerk off a million times to the point of severe repetitive stress disorder in your wrist without having to repeat people or fantasies. The internet really is a masturbators wet dream. When I went a few days without the internet I didn’t know what to do to myself. I literally had too much time on my hands and the worst part being that I didn’t remember how the whole fantasy thing was supposed to go. I mean you start off taking your clothes off. You start doing your thing but your mind is blank. You are horny and want to take care of business but need SOMETHING to really get things going. finally you remember what to do and all of a sudden your mind turns to an image of your mother basting a turkey!

  Long live the internet.

  • 11:00 pm
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