December 3, 2008

• Like many Americans, I'm against the bailout for the big three automakers. Like many Americans, I'm kind of conflicted about it as I do think we should do something but like many Americans, don't know what we should do. Like many Americans, I have blown a load on the hood of my neighbor's car. Wait. Just kidding about that last part.

  Nevertheless, what should be done for the big three. See, this is where I think the mafia could come in handy. After all, if ever there was a time that we could use the mafia, this would be it. So let's take a look at a few ways the mafia could help or ways that we can model the bailout after the mafia lifestyle.

  1.  For starters, this bailout is actually a loan, meaning the automakers would have to pay the money back. And who better to enforce the payback of a loan than the mafia. We can even let the mafia determine the vig. And by vig, that's mafia speak for interest rate. Of course they will need some time to get on their feet so after about 6 months or so, its time to start paying back. And if they don't pay every month, then we send some goons over there to rough them up. They would demand that they pay us the money "TA-DAY! GIVE US THE FUCKIN MONEY!! TA-DAY!! TA-DAY!!" To show that we are serious, after they pay late that first time the presidents of the automakers will wake up in bed next to a bent and cracked steering wheel.

  2. We did them a favor, now they owe us a favor to be called in at anytime and they can not refuse. Say we need them to build a special car with a bomb in it to assassinate one of our enemies. Iranian President Ackmadidmymom I would be having people start your car from now on if I were you. Or maybe we need you to go across the boarder and rob Canada of their beer. Or maybe we need you to build a high quality alternative fuel vehicle that helps us get off our addiction to the black crack that is oil.

  3. The big three take a solum oath that the "family" always comes first before anything else, no matter what. That means if a certain company (let's call that company A.I.G.) borrowed money from us and then ran off on some lavish vacation within weeks of crying poor. You need to drop everything and anything and go over there and beat the shit out of them, no questions asked. And remember, there is no such thing as excessive force.

  4. You look away when we cheat on you with foreign car companies. And remember, we aren't cheating on you; you are insane and delusional if you think otherwise.

  5. Never, and I mean NEVER rat on us. If we did something illegal. I don't need to tell you what would happen if you do rat on us.

  6. Never mess with another made man's wife. In other words, we are all family now, no more fucking over members of your family. I trust you know what this means, as I don't quite know how to explain it.

  7. No whacking a made man without getting permission first. That means no more fucking over the union or closing a plant without getting our permission first. Remember, we own you now.

  8. We get a cut of everything you make. Got a problem with that? Fuck you pay me! Union is threatening to go on strike? Fuck you pay me! World War fucking III broke out in one of your plants and a female employee is suing you for sexual harassment? Fuck you, pay me!

  See, I think that if Congress and the American people were told that these would be conditions of the bailout I think they would go for it. So tomorrow when you march onto Capital Hill with your pockets empty and your dignity back in Detroit, just remember that it could be worse. Much worse.

  • 11:16 pm
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