December 10, 2008

• Many of you may know that today, December 10th, was a Day Without a Gay. I think I might have misunderstood what they meant by this. I thought they meant a Day Without Gay, meaning a day that you go without being gay. So I took the day off work and tried to make myself as least gay as possible. First, I didn't shower, because as we know straight guys are slobs. I had meat for breakfast. Not really any meat in particular because a straight guy would eat any meat. I just started shoving any meat I could find into my mouth, stuffing it full of nice, juicy, thick, long sausage. The whole time, I chewed with my mouth open, just like manly man John Madden.

  After breakfast I searched out a way to do a man thing like work on a car or change a tire. I saw an old lady with a flat, the perfect opportunity for me to manify my morning. I walked up and with the deepest voice I could muster, said "Hello there, frail, pathetic old lady, do you need help changing that tire?" She hit me with her purse. But I was determined to change this tire, after all I was a man. So I got out the jack and started to jack the tire up, pumping the jack up and down at a frantic pace. Whoa. I almost needed a cigarette after that jacking. Next I pulled out the long, round and hard tire iron. I eyeballed it for a second, thinking of how much I really wanted something long, round and hard right about now. I spent the next 28 minutes trying to remove the hubcap. Finally the old lady came up and tore the damn thing off. I started to remove the lug nuts when she took them off with her teeth. Now it was time for the tire. This proved a challenge since the tire weighed more then me. So she took it off too, which was a challenge for her since she had to balance the tire and her cane. She then grabbed the other tire and put it on, screwing the lugnuts with her teeth. Next was the hubcap which she hit the hell out of to get back on. Finally it was time to jack the damn car down and I told her I was pretty damn good at that and would be able to do it for her. I must have hit the wrong thing because the car came slamming down nearly tearing off my hand Luke Skywalker style. It was all good though, as it only hit the old lady in the head knocking her right the fuck out. So with my first manly duty of working on a car a complete success, I was on my way to more manly things.

  Next I had to find some chicks to fuck. At first I thought I might be able to kill two birds with one stone by fucking the old lady while she lay on the pavement unconsciously clinging to life. But I thought the better of it since I heard a story recently about a 70 year old lady having a baby, I mean if I get somebody pregnant today I wouldn't want my baby mama to be old. I know her driver's license said she was 83, but that still doesn't mean she couldn't get pregnant. So I went to the next best place: a lesbian bar! As it turned out though, none of them were interested in me for whatever reason. I figured since this was a Day Without Gay, they might be willing to sleep with me. No such luck.

  I went over to the library to fuck a librarian, because hey, aren't librarians sexy in a nerdy sort of way? I saw this rather tall lady with a slender body and a long face. She wore glasses, LOTS of make up, had her hair up and a long flowing dress. I walked up and gave her the "LOOK". You know the "LOOK" people, the one that says "hey baby, why don't you climb on board my man meat." She knew exactly what I meant and instantly led me into a locked stairwell without even saying anything. It was kinda dark in there and we instantly started making out. She was feeling my junk up and down and I could feel myself actually getting a little excited by a female. She quickly tore down my pants and shoved my coxal into her mouth. After a few minutes of intense sucking, she came up and whispered into my ear "fuck my ass like its never been faked before." For the next one minute and 38 seconds, I faked her ass like its never been faked before. Right as I orgasmed I thought about how perfect this was, I get to fuck this chick's hairy ass and not have to worry about getting her pregnant. Here I am experiencing a Day Without Gay by having sex with a girl. She then made me reach around and jerk her off until she came, leaving a huge load all over the stairs. She then said in a deep voice that she hoped her boss slips on her man jizz and breaks his fucking neck. I found that a bit odd. All these years I thought sex with a chick would be way different then this, but it turned out it wasn't much different then sex with a guy; shit she even had a bigger dick then me just like every guy I've been with.

  Well that was it as my Day Without Gay. Tomorrow I return back to my normal Day With Gay.

  Obviously I was kidding about the whole post. A Day Without a Gay was a day in which gays around the country were protesting the passing of Prop 8 in California defining marriage as a union of a man and a woman. I think it is fairly certain at this point that gay marriage is the defining civil rights battle of our time. It is unacceptable that gays do not have the same rights as everybody else in America. Gays are expected to contribute to society in the same way as everybody else; pay the same taxes, follow the same laws and perform the same civic duties such as jury duty (not military duty, unless of course you suppress your own freedom to fight for the freedom of others). Gays contribute to society as much as straight people do, yet gays have fewer rights then straights. On that basis alone, gays should have the same rights. But yet, here we stand, a society and country that refuses to grant equal rights to all.

  Gay marriage might be the issue that gets all the press and attention, yet it is not nearly the only issue gays should be concerned about. There are still the matters of gay adoption, anti-gay hate laws, and gay discrimination which are of equal importance as gay marriage. Gays should not stop until their is equality with heterosexuals in every area of life. To accept any less would be to be forever treated as a second class citizen or as an afterthought in this great democracy in which we live.

  • 11:26 pm
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