December 16, 2008

  • You might remember from my December 8th post that I'm reading a book called "How the States Got Their Shapes" or perhaps you don't remember because you have done so many drugs that you have chronic ADD and suffer from.....................oh look at that, a balloon. Sweet. I'm sorry what was I saying? Oh yeah, see the thing that really pisses me off about abortion is its not the best weight loss program for some ladies. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer that............wait a minute, I wasn't talking about abortions at all. Oh, yeah, right. The states. So I'm reading this book called "How the States Got Their Shapes" and last week I posted interesting facts I learned from the first 10 states plus Washington D.C. Well, last night I finished the next 10 states, so once again here are more facts starting with the great state of..........

    • Hawaii- Sure it seems all nice in simple,what with Hawaii being surrounded by ocean. But the interesting fact here is that the Hawaiian islands are just really large pieces of shit from a now extinct massive half dinosaur half spaceship.
    • Idaho- Got the size of its large panhandle after President Andrew Johnson lost a bet as to if he could deep throat a banana. He nearly choked to death and in the process had to scream as loud as he could "I da ho, I da ho!" and give Idaho a funny shape. Hence, we have a state with a really funny name made even funnier by being shaped like like a penis with infected testicles.
    • Illinois- On the surface this one is easy since a good portion of it is bounded by water. But the boarders not bounded by water were determined when the governor sold them to the highest bidder. Since then, the boarders of Illinois have changed 39 times as each governor has sold the boarders to the highest bidder. Oh Illinois, you are about as pure as Dick Chaney's soul.
    • Indiana- With Illinois's boarders constantly changing, it put Indiana in a constant state of flux. In the end though it was determined that Indiana would be best suited if it was shaped to look like it was spooning Illinois.
    • Iowa- Originally Iowa was to be a very short state, as they didn't want people going from Minnesota to Missouri to kill themselves out of the pure boredom of Iowa. In the end though the Illinois governor through enough money at people to make Iowa taller to help take attention off the fact that Indiana was trying to hump the shit out Illinois's leg.
    • Kansas- I swear I'm not making this one up. Gold was found in the western part of Kansas. The people of Kansas thought having gold would be too much of a pain in the ass, so they let Colorado have the most valuable part of their land, hence Kansas evolved into the state it is today. I can see why they don't believe in evolution in Kansas, after all if they are too damn stupid to keep their gold then they are probably too stupid to understand evolution.
    • Kentucky- Part of the northern boarder of Kentucky was created to make it look like it was eatin out Indian's ass as it spooned with Illinois. But in true Kentucky fashion, it was born when Virgina fucked her brother, West Virgina.
    • Louisiana- This one is really kind of evolving even still today, as the Bush Abomination is doing everything it can to remove New Orleans from the map. As for its shape, President Thomas Jefferson thought it would be really funny if Louisiana kicked the shit out of Mississippi just like the red headed step child it is.
    • Maine- People think Maine was one of the original 13 colonies. It wasn't. In fact, Illinois had even managed to bribe its way into the union a couple of years before Maine. Since then, Maine has been running around like it just got its fucking head lopped right the fuck off, which is what both boarders look like. The western boarder kinda looks like a nice smooth blade and cut was made to behead it. On the northeastern boarder it looks like some drunk guy got to messin with the guillotine.
    • Maryland- The shape of Maryland was created by pure chance. One day Lord Baltimore got really really fucking drunk. Like, more drunk they he had ever been in his entire 12 year life. He got so drunk that he threw up and the shape of his vomit became the blueprint for the shape of Maryland.