January 14, 2009

  • Its time once again to discuss how the motherfuckin' states got their cocksuckin' shapes. You might remember last week's post (January 7) in which I explained how states from Massachusetts to New Jersey got their shapes. Or perhaps you were a fan of the December 16th post in which Hawaii to Maryland was covered. Or maybe you have spent every moment since the December 8th post trying to block out the crap that I wrote for Alabama to Georgia. Either way it doesn't change the fact that I've still got 20 states to go continuing with the great states of.............

    • New Mexico- Originally they wanted it to be shaped like Old Mexico, but when congress realized that there was no state called Old Mexcio, they just said fuck it and decided to make it a near perfect square.
    • New York- At the time, the king of England was very insecure about his giant nose ever since he blinded his son by poking him in the eye with his nose. So he wanted to have a state that kinda looked like a rather large nose so that big noses would be hip. Nobody bothered to tell him that New York looks like its sniffing Canada's ass.
    • North Carolina- In addition to a big eye gouging nose, the king of England also was abducted by aliens and probed with a metal rod up his ass and nose. Oh, and down his dick hole too. He was so traumatized that he shaped North Carolina like the space ship that took him.
    • North Dakota- The people of North Dakota were rather insistent on a shape that reflected just how fucking boring the state is. So they went with a damn near perfect rectangle. The only problem is that they aren't the smartest people around which is why its a mis-shappen rectangle.
    • Ohio- At the time, one of Ohio's senators, Billy Clevelandorcincinnatidoesntmatterbothsuck, was obsessed with orgasms. He wanted to Ohio to be in the shape of an orgasm. So he jerked off and the messy result was Ohio. They used the same method to come up with a winner for the 2004 presidential election.
    • Oklahoma- This might have been the toughest of all the states to shape and come up with boarders what with tornados constantly bombarding the state. So they decided to just have the boarder follow the path of a few tornados that hit the state.
    • Oregon- At the time, congress was getting sick and fucking tired of shaping states. Every time they turned around, they had to come up with boarders and shapes for another fucking state. So they took a piece of paper, drew a line and it was the boarder of Oregon and Washington. So that's essentially what Oregon is, the forgotten child.
    • Pennsylvania- The thing about Pennsylvania is that it really didn't fit in anywhere, but they needed to make it big so that the long ass name could fit on a map. So they just picked a large ass piece of land and called it Pennsylvania.
    • Rhode Island- The citizens of Rhode Island were really pissing off the king of England at the time. So he decided to make them a tiny ass state. A state so small that it just looks like the pinky toe's nail, the nail everybody hates. That is also how Rhode Island came to be known as the Pinky Toenail State. 
    • South Carolina- Legend has it the governor of South Carolina at the time thought it was an island. Nobody in South Carolina has ever been smart enough to find out if it is an island, therefore it has remained the shape of an island.