March 1, 2009

• I saw Bill Maher's "Religulous" again over the weekend and again thought it was wonderful, if you haven't seen it I'm going to insist you drop everything but your pants and see it right now. Actually, I take that back it might even be better if you do drop your pants, so drop those too. In the dvd extras, he alludes to the fact that religions are kinda like car companies. So I'm going to steal that thought and run with it because he really hit the nail on the head.

  We all know how car companies and car dealerships are trying to win your business by tempting you with all sorts of shady deals. No financing for a year. $1,200 cash back. Free rust proofing. Lap dances while you wait for the salesman to talk to the finance manager. Just all sorts of cooky shit. Well, religions are all trying to get you to convert to them as well with all sorts of crazy deals. Become a Mormon now and you will have a whole planet to rule over after you kick it old school. EXTRA, EXTRA!!! CONVERT TO ISLAM AND GET ALL THE PUSSY YOU CAN HANDLE IN THE AFTERLIFE IF YOU SIGN UP NOW! Of course you have to read the fine print which says "by pussy we mean virgin pussy, which although tight, is inexperienced and therefore not very good". And they don't tell you that to get that free pussy, you have to blow yourself up by way of suicide bombing that Jewish girls school. And Christianity is no exception. Hell, many of them even go door to door to try to recruit people with a sales pitch that scares you into an eternity in the sweltering pits of Hell if you don't convert. Go to Hell where you will spent eternity in a blazing hot inferno away from your wife, kids, parents and siblings and instead spending time with other sinners such as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Jimi Hendrix, and John Lennon. Turn your life over to God and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and one true savior and spend eternity in Heaven with your family and Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and every pope. Hmmmm..............you're trying to tell me that spending eternity with my annoying ass family and all those preachers telling me how to live my life is Heaven but the place with the warm temperatures and fun loving legendary entertainers is Hell?

  See, all the religions are trying to sell you something. As Bill Maher brilliantly put it, they are trying to sell you an invisible product that you can't even see, touch or feel until after you are dead. What's amazing is that they are brainwashing people into believing this shit. It turns out that any whacko with an idea can brainwash people into following them as long as they rape the people's souls at the time when the people are at their weakest and most in need of help and at their most vulnerable. I don't know if these people who create these religions are crazy, brilliant, evil or all of the above to come up with these ideas. All I know is that people like Joseph Smith and L Ron Hubbard among many others see a way in which they can obtain money and power by having vivid enough imaginations and are brilliant, charismatic salesmen to gain legions of followers.

  But why should they get all the money, fame, power and notoriety while normal douche bags such as ourselves get nothing? Hell, I've got a wild and vivid imagination, am charismatic and a convincing salesman. Why can't I start my own crazy religion? So, I've decided that I shall indeed start my own religion. Now how does one go about starting a successful religion? The way I see it, there are certain things that tie all successful religions together. Things that are the groundwork and the base of religion. Things such as:

  • A worldly being. Somebody such as a profit (Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ, Mohammed or in my religion, me) needs to receive a message from some all powerful being who makes the rules and determines ones fate in the afterlife. This profit should receive this message away from any witnesses as to never be able to be questioned about believability. Being nearly naked in the middle of the woods or underwater is a good places to start.
  • Some wild overly harsh repercussions should somebody break a simple rule that is impossible not to break. Something like eating lunch on a Sunday is punishable by death.
  • A mysterious book that was written thousands of years ago by some blowhards that nobody fully understood and can be interpreted in any number of ways. I'm not worried about this in the least, I'm sure I can pull something out of my ass.
  • Insanely unreasonable hatred of a certain group of people. Muslims hate the Jews. Christians hate the gays. Jews hate themselves. Mormons hate dark skinned people. And the Jews. And the gays.  A good religion creates a imaginary rift to develop hate against another group of people like saying the Holocaust never happened or that gays are recruiting little children. This one should be easy, after all there are plenty of good, decent, hardworking people to hate by making up stories.
  • Fake holidays. Don't know when your profit was born? Well why not just pick a date out of a hat and run with it. Need an excuse to fast or spend the entire day praying? Well, just stare at the sun for 45 minutes until something comes to you.
  • Unexplained hallucinations that involve crazy shit happening. Things like talking snakes and burning bushes and space ships whisking you off to some far and distant planet to be given specific instructions to rule over people. I can see how this can be fun, yet expensive. I mean, think of the money you have to spend on mind altering drugs to get these hallucinations. Then again, think of the fun you'll have!
  • A saintly martyr. Every religion has somebody who died for your sins. Its a way to really guilt people into following you. Of course the best part about this is that it allows you to frame the martyr anyway you like. Just imagine the possibilities!

  So over the course of the coming days and weeks, I'm going to create my own religion and all you fuckers not only will follow and convert, but you also will spread the news.

  • 4:47 pm
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