April 27, 2009
-
Expired Milk
I recently watched Gus Van Sant’s Milk starring Sean Penn as 1970s gay activist Harvey Milk about the only thing more amazing than the movie was the man himself. Milk realized at 40 that he had not done much in his life to be proud of. So he moved to San Francisco and become the first openly gay man elected to political office in the United States. Actually, I’m going to go as far as to say maybe even the first one in the world. He managed to do more for gay rights in the final 8 years of his life than in the first 40 years. I had heard about him years ago and knew he was a gay activist who was murdered in the 70s, but didn’t know much more. Gays everywhere owe him a debt of gratitude for his courage, tenacity and trailblazing ways. As with many movies, it really made me think.
See, here I am at 33. And much like him, I don’t feel I’ve done a lot to be proud of. I certainly haven’t changed the world in any way shape or form; especially in comparison to him. To say I’ve never been entirely comfortable talking about my homosexuality would be an understatement. The first person I came out to was in 1994. I didn’t come out to anybody else until 2003 when I came out to one more person. A year later, I came out to most of my friends. Although my brothers know, to this day I still have never told them or told any other member of my family, in spite of the fact that I know they would be overwhelmingly supportive. I’ve never come out at work, even though I know for a fact that my job would be 100 completely safe. I don’t know why I don’t come out more. I have no reason for it except to say that its nobody’s business but my own; I’m a firm believer in privacy. It makes me feel like a coward that I remain partially in the closet free from the verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse and discrimination of more courageous homosexuals. What’s frustrating is that I don’t know why I won’t come fully out. There seems to be no reason for it. Its not lack of confidence as I’ve always been very self assured and confident and even bordering on arrogant. I’ve always valued being different and completely comfortable in not being like other people. I’ve always been told that I’m weird. I’m an odd thinker. I’ve never been one to conform to anything. Yet, this one area of my life, which is, let’s face it, a rather large area, I am not comfortable. I do not like being different. Although I’m certainly much more comfortable than I was years ago and although I’m in full support of gay rights, I’m not exactly bursting with gay pride if you know what I mean.
Of course, what keeps me in the closet is that its easy. Some people refer to the term “straight acting” but I’ve never liked that term; I instead prefer the term masculine. I’m not what you might call a flamer in the least. If you look at me you wouldn’t think I was gay. If you hear me talk and see my mannerisms, you wouldn’t think I was gay. To make matters even worse, I don’t fit into any of the so called gay stereotypes. I hate musicals. I can’t dance worth a lick. I’ve got no interest in fashion and am a notoriously bad when it comes to dressing. I love sports and gambling. I hate Brittney Spears and love heavy metal/alternative music. Unless somebody told you or you knew me very well, you wouldn’t know I was gay. I’m basically your average everyday guy who, oh by the way, loves cock. That being said, I take no interest in girls. I’ve never dated a girl. I don’t pretend to be straight or be something I’m not. When I’m around guys who don’t know that are checking out and commenting on girls, I don’t respond or participate in the conversation, which has to be a clue since I have an opinion on damn near everything. I’ve always said that I hold no responsibility if somebody assumes I’m straight; its their fault for assuming. I remember when my friend Dave first found out; he was pissed off because he felt I wasn’t honest with him. I told him that I made no apologies for it, after all I never lied to him and told him I was straight.
My masculine personality is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I don’t face the same open discrimination and bigotry that other gays face. I’m able to cover it up if I need to. On the other hand, if I were a flamer than it would be OBVIOUS to everybody and I wouldn’t be able to cover it up or hide from it. I wouldn’t have other gay guys questioning my homosexuality. When a gay guy sees me walking in the mall with my 20 year old Cubs jacket wearing Nike shoes it doesn’t exactly make ones gaydar go off. People are convinced that I’m either bisexual, straight or that once I fuck the right girl then I will all of a sudden be straight. None of that is true in the least. The one thing I’m totally certain of is that I am without a doubt gay. You can question it all you want and believe whatever you want to believe. I know what I am.
I realize that masculine guys like me are good for the gay cause. We go against every gay stereotype in the book. We are the ones who heterosexuals can relate too. We are the ones who make them stop and take pause and think that maybe being gay isn’t a choice. I realize that my not being out there more probably in some minor way, holds the gay community back. I can bring a lot of good to the gay community if I were courageous like Milk and so many other brave gays. I don’t know if I ever will be able to come out and let EVERYBODY know. What’s worse is that I don’t know why I won’t be able to. In a weird twist of irony, I’m contributing to holding back the gay cause.
Did I mention I recently discovered a 6th toe on my left foot?
Comments (4)
I liked Milk.
I LOVE the fact that you have a 6th toe.
Did you ever see “The Office” episode where Oscar is outted by Michael?
Oh, I don’t actually have a 6th toe, I was only kidding, it was just a way to add humor to a rather too serious post.
Actually, and this always comes as a surprise when I tell people, but I don’t watch the Office.
This is a very honest and forthright post, and that’s one of the things I admire about your writing. From what you say on here, you don’t seem to lead a very “active” gay life. You’ve mentioned in passing a time or two that you had a date, but, unlike the blogs of other gay guys I’ve looked at, you don’t obsess about it. I would imagine that if you were to get a boyfriend, you’d be less reluctant to come out.
I do date, although not often but its not from a lack of trying. I do………..er……”hang out” with guys from time to time if you know what I mean, but I would never call those dates. It just seems like most gays do obsess about being gay. For them being gay is all they are, but for me, its part of who I am, not entirely what I am. In other words, there is more to life than being gay. And although gay rights are very important to me, there are more important issues in the world.