First of all, its very important that if you care about the security of our country you go to this website and sign this letter of support for Lt Dan Choi (that’s right people, his name is Lt Dan) who was wrongly booted out of the military for being gay.

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/invite/SupportDan?stg_signup_id=2043458

I feel pretty strongly that his being discharged due to being gay is not only wrong, but its flat out the United States government’s version of legal discrimination. Maybe you don’t share that view. Obviously, I vigorously disagree. But, if you do, please consider this. He was an Arabic translator at at time when are at work in two Arabic speaking countries. We also have a shortage of Arabic translators. If that isn’t enough of a reason to support him, than you are a sorry excuse of an American. That is all I will say about it, now you do the job of signing this letter.

The country and the world is still in a state of deep shock, sadness and mourning over the death of Billy Mays. I’m so distraught that I’ve decided to go to the funeral. I’ve told my work that I will be needing bereavement time but they are refusing to give it to me as he and I are not related. I’m going to need to prove paternity. This can be tough since I’m not old enough to be his father. Actually, wait a minute, I’m being told he was quite a bit older then me. Turns out, I may have to prove that he is my father. Or uncle. Or older brother. Or former sister. I dunno, something that could prove bloodlines.

I told them that I’m going to sue them for discrimination. Clearly this is a case of discrimination. That’s right, they have a problem with people with beards. No, I don’t have a beard. But of course, wonderful Billy had a beard. And not just a beard. But one of the creepiest, funniest looking beards ever. And I want to go to his funeral. No, wait…………..I NEED to go to his funeral. I need to go there and touch his beard, feel his beard, smell his beard, rub his beard, be one with his beard. Ohhh, the beard. And the voice. That annoying, blathering voice. I should feel his vocal cords. Yes, that it is it. His voice and his beard. When you have such a legend everybody should just drop everything and show up in Florida. President Obama should declare a national day of mourning, complete with school closings, no mail delivery and free flowers for everybody. And the media should just cover this shocking story as much as they can. Reports on his death, the mystery surrounding his death. Pictures of him, video of him doing his thing.

Oh. Wait. I forgot. The media has already been obsessing over his death. What’s that? The media is making his death out to be like the death of a semi important politician rather then the death of some blowhard who pitched products that may or may not have worked?

Hmmmm………….leave it to the media to make a huge story of a so called celebrity’s death as opposed to covering the important story of a solider’s fight to keep his job and support his own freedom. Cover something that has no meaning and is irrelevant instead of something with untold importance.

Perhaps if only Lt Choi had a beard?

Every year my brother has a party the weekend before the 4th of July. And every year my friends and I have Cubs-White Sox parties. See, when the teams play each other in Wrigley Field, everybody comes over to my house to watch the Saturday afternoon game. And when they play in Comiskey (I still refuse to call it U.S Cellular) we go over to one of the Sox fan’s house. Well, this year the Wrigley games were during the week. And the Comiskey games were this weekend, which was also the weekend before the 4th. This presented a scheduling conflict. Now I should stress that our group friends are friends with my brother and my other friend. My brother and our friend tried to compromise with the parties but to no avail. So that meant that we needed to split time between both parties. Yadda yadda yadda, except for the Cubs loss it was a good time.

Well he was a legend. He was probably the best and most famous in his field. And he has died a shocking death at 50! That’s right everybody, Billy Mays has died!!!! Ohhhh, all these dead celebrities, honestly will the horror and carnage ever end? Billy Mays………….man that is a tough, TOUGH loss. I’m sure I speak for the entire world when I say we will miss his creepy beard, loud obnoxious voice and general douche baggery.

Today was the gay pride parade here in Chicago. Now I should be clear, I actually live in the burbs, a good 40-50 minutes from the actual parade. And that’s with out traffic. With traffic, its about 6 weeks. Still, I’ve never gone to the parade. Instead I’ve always preferred to stay home and watch the Cubs-Sox game as they always play the same weekend as the parade. I know, not very gay of me. Although I fully support the whole gay movement and am glad their is a parade and that people have pride, its never been my kind of scene. And I’ve always been a big Cub fan. Its not to say that I’ve chosen to watch a baseball game (to top it off, the fuckers lost 6-0!) instead of support gays, but I also don’t really have any gay friends to go to the parade with. Oh, I’m sure some of my straight friends might actually go, but still, its just something I’ve never been into. I’m trying to determine if this makes me a bad homosexual?

Then again……………meh, I guess it really doesn’t matter.

You can always tell how old somebody is by how high they wear their pants. Its kinda like how people can tell the age of a tree by counting its rings; you can tell the rough age of a person by how high they have their pants. Just look at teenagers and people in their early twenties. They have pants that hang down and you can see about half of their ass crack. Then they get older and into their late twenties and thirties. The pants go up to a reasonable height. When they are in their forties the pants are approaching the navel. By the time somebody is retired, the pants are so high they are nearly touching their nipples.

Every time I write out checks to pay my bills for the month, I always get a little worried that after I die they are going to find my check book and look through it and realize that the math in my check register didn’t add up. You know, like they are going to go back 5 or 6 years and say “wow, Mike was such a moron, he though he had X number of dollars left in his checking account after paying the mortgage”. So when I do finally kick it old school, please don’t let them hate when it comes to my checking balance.

Tomorrow is the NBA draft. Once again I’ve declared myself eligible. This year I’ve done something new. I learned how to jump! Listen for my name, I’m expected to be taken in the late first round.

Why couldn’t our former governor here in Illinois disappeared without telling anybody about 5 years ago? Could have saved us a ton of embarrassment.

Is anybody else sick and tired of hearing about this fucking conflict? Are you like me, do you want the two damn sides to just end their differences and shut the fuck up already? There are a lot of innocent people who’s lives are being affected by this saga. No, I’m not talking about the protests in Iran. I’m talking about something that people in America care more about. So please, somebody fucking find a way to get rid of Jon and fucking Kate. I don’t care who these fuckers are. They aren’t relevant or important in the least. Can we rush the damn divorce so the media can move on from this bullshit fucking story.

You know, everyday I get tons of fan mail (by tons I mean none) form all sorts of people (and by all sorts of people I mean the old lady who has been stalking me since I ran over her dog. Or her husband. I dunno, it was hard to tell. I was drunk and it was really dark. And I might have been sleeping. I dunno. I never pay attention to details) who want to know what an average day for me is. Well, I’ve got great news, since none of you asked I’ve decided to give you an example of a typical day for me:

• 7:27am- Alarm clock greets me to a loud noise to which I greet it with a flipping of the middle finger. I then sob uncontrollably for 5 minutes at the thought of having to get up after a late night of trying to watch my neighbor pee.
• 7:45am- After a breakfast of Mountain Dew poured over Cookie Crisp, its time for a shower at which time I stare into the mirror trying to wish my penis bigger. I’m not asking for much, just an additional two inches, which would double its size.
• 8:10am-8:40am- Drive to work, the whole time being reminded that nobody knows how the fuck to drive. This includes me, as it is amazing that I even manage to make it out of the driveway without hitting something.
• 8:53am- Greet my boss with a bunch in the face.
• 10:00am- Announce to the world that I used to be a dude.
• 1:00pm- A lunch of leftover cigarette butts and tomato soup followed by a frantic search to find a room in the building that I have not masterbated in. Its getting harder and harder to find a room. I may have to move onto the inside of co-worker’s cars.
• 1:56pm- Remember that I’ve always been a dude. I’ve got work to do since I had passed out evidence to everybody in the form of a naked picture of me humping a tree.
• 4:30pm- Replace the powdered coffee creamer in the break room with cocaine.
• 6:00pm- Get off work. Race so quickly out the building that I may have pushed a pregnant lady down the stairs. I don’t care though because I’m pro choice.
• 6:45pm- Ride my exercise bike while pretending to be chased by a group of angry conservative Christians led by Pat Robertson.
• 7:00pm-10:00pm- Yell at my television every 10 minutes watching the Cubs lose.
• 10:01-10:03pm- Jerk off to gay porn. Twice.
• 10:03pm-12:30am- Surf the net, chat, and blog something stupid and more than likely offensive before going to bed. 

There you have it, a day in my life. I know, its so exciting that your heart probably could not handle reading the whole thing. Its ok, I understand if you have to finish it tomorrow.

If you are a father, the only reason is because you are a motherfucker! So Happy Father’s Day to all you motherfuckers!!

Nobody has ever accused me of being too classy. And if you thought that was classless or tasteless, this morning on HBO (or was it Starz………or maybe one of the other cable movie channels) they were showing the movie This Boy’s Life which although a very good movie, probably not the ideal Father’s Day movie to show. If you don’t know what its about, its actually a fact based movie based on the life of writer Tobias Wolff,  that stars Leonardo Dicaprio as a teen who is verbally (and I think physically abused) by his stepdad played by Robert Deniro. Because, nothing says Happy Father’s Day like an abusive fucking father!

Good flick though, you should catch it, maybe on Mother’s Day

Or maybe watch Mommie Dearest on Mother’s Day instead.

As you may or may not  know, I’m a tiny, small man. No, I don’t mean my cock is tiny…………..although if you send me $5 I will “let you be the judge”. I mean that I’m physically small, 5’6 on a good day  (5 1/2 on a bad day, which is most days of the week except Wednesdays for some reason) and a robust 130lbs. At least, I think about 130, honestly I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks. I supposed I could be pushin’ 150lbs or maybe 160. That would be quite a shock though because all my clothes still fit. I’ve always been small, however my weight did peak for a time about 8 years ago to 167lbs. That being said, I’ve never been big. Sure, I had a gut before but nothing too crazy.

Why the hell do I mention this you ask? Well, since I was a boy I’ve always been afraid of fat people. And you guessed it, afraid that they might sit on me. Or fall on me. I know you probably think this is crazy. Or really mean. Or both. And the answer is, its both. But let me explain why. See, when we were like 6 or 7 we were playing in a neighbor’s yard with a bunch of kids from the neighborhood. I think we were playing hide and seek or tag or football or maybe just playin a game of grab ass, I dunno, its been a million years and I was very young at the time. Well, there was this really fat older kid playing by the name of Felpe. I might be spelling his name wrong. Again, a million years ago. His name or spelling isn’t important, unless there is some sort of lawsuit. Still, you get the idea that he was big and fat. He was probably about 12 or 13. Well, he fell on my brother Mark, landing on Mark’s hand and spraining his wrist. It was hilarious! And scary. And made even more scary when my mom found out. Ever since then, I’ve had this fear in the back of my mind that a fattie would fall and flatten me too.

And before you come down hard on me for making fun of people with weight problems, keep in mind that its not only me like this. Society has long made fun of and treated fat people different. So yell at me if you must, but also yell at the rest of society too.

Still, the irony of it all is that while society does not like fat people, society loves fat body parts. Not just loves them but is obsessed with them. Take the ass if you will. Everybody loves a fat ass. They sing songs about it. Songs like “Fat Bottomed Girls“, “Baby Got Back“, and “My Humps“. All happy, upbeat songs. And everybody loves those songs. And black guys ALWAYS love a big ass. When it comes to asses, flat is blah and fat is phat!

Then there are tits. Nobody likes small tits. Well, at least most nobody. I’ve got a friend who loves tiny tits. Mosquito bites he calls them, but he also stirs his coffee with a fork and keeps his keys under his car, so you can see how fucked up he is. Still, everybody else loves big tits. The bigger, the better. Some big ladies get guys because they have these giant titties. And I dunno why guys like them so much, maybe they act as extra pillows or something like that. But still, they like big tits.

And how about fat cocks? For many ladies and gay guys, nothing turns them on more than a fat fuckin cock, in spite of the fact that a fat cock hurts the shit out of them and is nearly impossible to suck. Yet, they all want a guy with a fat cock.

But, if the person is just overall fat without a fat cock, big tits or a fat ass (although I realize most fat people have fat assess and/or big tits) then it is unacceptable.

Geez, fuckin people. I swear you can’t figure them hypocritical sonsofbitches out!

Shit. I’m one of them hypocritical sonsofbitches!

As many of you know (or maybe you don’t know………..either way, I’m about to tell you) I’m an avid Bill Maher watcher. I don’t know if I would go as far as to say I’m a fan. I guess I am in a way. Personally, although I do agree with much of what he says, I don’t think he is nearly as funny as he thinks he is and he is also pompous, self centered and self serving; even probably boarder line narcissistic. Wow, that just makes him sound so likeable…………and also makes you wonder “geez Mike, well why do you watch the guy?” Because he is still very entertaining and funny. And smart.

Case in point this last week’s show. He ended it by talking about how Barack Obama has really done nothing and how essentially, he is afraid to do certain things because it might make him unpopular. To me, he really hit the nail on the head. I felt the same way but couldn’t quite articulate it, which is unusual for me. Now don’t get me wrong. I’ don’t think Obama has done bad. After all, he is definitely better than Bush. But, after listening to him preach for nearly two years about change, he has done so little of it. In fact, he has remained so much more the same. At the end of the day, thus far he has proven to be nothing more than your typical, fake politician; willing to say anything to get elected, pandering to which ever group of people he is speaking to. I was for the most part, a pretty big Obama supporter. Not only did I vote for him, but I was also in Grant Park the night he won. And yes, I do still support him. I still think he is going to make a good president. And I desperately want to believe in him. I need to believe in him. But, each day, I find myself less and less enthused about him.

Take gay issues for example. I know a lot of gays are very pissed and disappointed in him. They feel let down. They feel he should have made gay friendly changes much sooner. I don’t disagree, however I do still feel like we need to give him more time. That being said, he can overturn Don’t Ask Don’t Tell with a simple signature. Instead, he seems to be playing politics with the issue. He doesn’t want to alienate people on the right or the center. He is afraid of losing support. And then there is the situation (which I don’t fully understand) in which his adminstration issued some sort of report that compares gay marriage to incest and bestiality. Because I don’t fully understand it (I never got the whole story) I don’t want to rip more into the report, but did want to mention it.

Should gays still support him? I think we need to. Do we have another choice? Its not like we have any other options here. Sure, Dick Chaney may all of a sudden support gay marriage, but he is about the only Republican who does. The rest of the Republicans pretty much are disgusted by the whole gay lifestyle and many would just as soon make homosexuality illegal. Unfortunately we are in a country which for the most part has a two party system. Sure, there are other parties and candidates. But realistically, there are only two options. And I for one thought that Obama wasn’t just the lesser of two evils, but instead a great candidate who supported gays. I felt he would be the most gay friendly president we have ever had. That is not why I voted for him; but it sure was a nice added bonus. I want to give him more time. I want to like him and support him. But he is making it tough.

And as usual, the clueless and stupid American people have no idea. They love the guy. He is, after all, extremely likeable. He is articulate and speaks well, especially after having a president for 8 years who spoke at a third grade level. Yet, that same president managed to get into office twice. And why? Because the public is stupid and ignorant. They don’t look at the track record. They don’t look at the ideas or platforms. They just determine they like a candidate based on many other things besides issues or performance. Its how you get  people like Bush in office. Its also how you get people like Obama in office, which is good. But, its also how people like Obama remain extremely popular in spite of the fact that he hasn’t done much and has not even come close to delivering on the radical change he promised. Obama is kinda like the first black friend everybody has as a kid. When you first meet him he is a novelty. You want to be friends with him because he is hip and different. You consider him your best friend and better than everybody else in spite of the fact that he is just like everybody else and nothing special.

And the Republicans don’t help. Sure Chaney is running his mouth every chance he gets. But, say what you will about him; for the most part, he is airing his opinions instead of rhetoric. He is trying to be the opposing view.  Other people like Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and the rest of the hacks at FOX are too busy trying to hit the American public over the head with bullshit rhetoric and terms like socialism and communism, even though Obama is not even close to either of those. They are focusing on bullshit things like some meaningless comment Sonia Sotomayor made instead of being a reasonable opposing view of Obama. What America needs is for them to stand up and criticize him on real issues. They need to establish a clear threat so that Obama is forced to do things so drastic that they are actual change; so much that they actually make a difference.

I think I can sum up Democrats and Republicans very well. Democrats are pussies. They are always afraid of what others think. They are afraid that they might do something that loses somebody’s support. So they try to toe the line and pretend to be uniter meanwhile getting nothing different done. So far, this fits Obama to a tee. Republicans, they try to scare the shit out of people with simple minded rhetoric that if even a person of average intelligence would see it for what it is: bullshit packaged to look like desert. They try to blow things way overboard so that it gets people fired up and scares them into supporting them. Meanwhile, nothing gets done on either side. And the whole country suffers.

Normally I usually have a good post for the weekend. Well, maybe not a good post, but at least an extended post. Or at least the long post of the week. Way long. Like 2 paragraphs. I could talk about my weekend, but it was nothing too exciting. Yesterday I went to a party. It was cool, but nothing much to talk about. Today I went to a birthday party for a one year old. Again, it was fine but nothing too exciting to talk about.

I got laid at both parties.

There. Dose that make it sound exciting. Its like I’ve always said, fiction is always more interesting than the truth.

Nevertheless, I’m going to let you guys entertain yourselves today. I’m sure I can come up with a halfway decent post for tomorrow.

As some of you may know, I was supposed to take a road trip with a friend of mine the first week of May. Long story short, she killed a man and wasn’t able to go.

Wait. Come to think of it, she didn’t kill anybody. But she still wasn’t able to go. And hence my vacation got canceled. Now I’ve got plenty of vacation time. Tons actually. And I’ve got money to take a trip. And I know of several places where I want to go.  What I’m lacking is a person to take a trip with. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve got plenty of friends. Its just that most of them are married and unable or unwilling to take a vacation without their spouse’s and/or kids.

Now I love to travel. Love it. Its a passion of mine. I used to travel a good amount, but not so much in the past 5 years or so, the main reason being because I have nobody to go with. Last year I got sick of never traveling so I took a trip by myself. I figured I would at least try one alone.  A road trip to Dallas and Tunica, MS and back. Over 30 hours of driving by myself. It wasn’t bad. I did like it. And I would do it again. But, I would always prefer to go with somebody.

Of course part of the problem is finding somebody who can tolerate constantly being with me for several consecutive days. And somebody I wouldn’t mind being with for a long period of time. That is the hard part. So that automatically rules out family. And since I won’t be dating anybody soon enough to ask to go on vacation together that kinda leaves me with nobody as of right now.

Some of you may or may not know that I’ve been reading this 800 page book about JFK, RFK, and MLK and how they all bagged the same chick. First, the name of the book was Legacy Of Secrets. Then I got about 150 pages into the book and the name changed to Legacy Of Secrecy. And now that I’m well over 600 pages but not quite 700 and maybe around 650 pages into it, the name is something like Meh……….Some Book. Anywho, it just started to get interesting. Turns out two of the three guys were brothers, but I don’t know which ones yet. And one of the other guys was a brother. Again, they aren’t revealing which one. I looked at the cover of the book and it just has pictures of all three of them so its hard to tell who is who. The book is fact based and I’m starting to think that all three of them wind up dead at the end. Imagine that; a book in which all three main characters die. Go figure.

The book does touch quite a bit on racism and how there were plots to kill Martin Luther King and although James Earl Ray was the one who actually shot him, there were actually many people who wanted him dead and who were behind his murder. Racism is a powerful thing and drives people to do some pretty crazy shit. In the nearly two and a half years since he announced his candidacy for president, I’m sure Barack Obama has received threats. I know last year there were a couple of racist teenagers who were arrested for plotting to kill him. It was a poorly and stupidly planned plot in which, and I’m not making this up, they were going to drive towards his car with guns firing and shooting at anything or anybody they could get. I know, stupid, right? But, certainly there are probably smarter, most racist people out there who want him dead. And if John Kennedy and Martin Luther King could be killed as part of massive plots and conspiracies than certainly there is a chance other presidents and leaders could be killed as well. He has been safe so far and a lot of people didn’t think he would have ever made it to this point. I do believe though that the Secret Service has done an amazing job protecting him and I believe he will be kept safe.

That being said, racism is alive and well based on the shooting today at the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. I have several theories that drives these people to do the things they do and hate so much. A lot of it has to do with insecurities in themselves. If I were investigators, I would go right down to the hospital room of the 88 year old gunman and lift up that hospital gown of his and see just how small his fucking cock is and then try to find a way to increase the size of these loser’s cocks. They are probably intimidated by blacks having such huge cocks and them having small cocks. Well, they should look at the bright side. After all, everybody knows its always harder to get a good blow job if your cock is over sized.

Or perhaps its not cock size at all. Perhaps its fear of the unknown. These racists, they don’t know blacks, gays, Jews or what ever non straight white group they hate. They don’t care to know them. Maybe if they took the time to learn to know them and understand them they would see that none of these people are any different then them. They would realize that they are human too.

Perhaps they are afraid of change. They would also realize that they have nothing to fear. Just because other groups gain rights; like women getting the right to vote, blacks having equal rights or gays getting the right to marry, doesn’t mean the racists lose rights. In fact, nothing changes for them. And just because a black man becomes president, doesn’t mean whites are worse off. And no, the sky has not fallen just because gays have the right to marry in 6 states.

Or perhaps they are just bitter, hateful pricks who don’t have a decent bone in the body. Maybe they have gotten the chance to know the groups they hate. Maybe they have learned about them and they are still filled with hate. Maybe there is no hope in them ever changing, especially since they don’t want to change. And they are only passing the hate onto the next generation of racists and bigots. That is where we as a society needs to continue to have a positive influence on these people and on the next generations. Hell, we certainly can’t go on hating, that is just unacceptable.