Friday night I was about 2 hours and 11 minutes into the disappointing The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button when I got a call from my friend Dave bugging me to go to the casino with him and our other friend Jt. So, like a moron I stopped the movie and went to pick them up. I know what you are thinking “wow, Mike is a complete loser who does whatever his friends ask”, but before you think that keep in mind that I do love to gamble, the casino we were going to was that had been closed for the past 4 months due to a fire and I love hanging out with them. As is often the case when I’m with them two, half of the fun is the car trip. On the way there they were complaining that I wouldn’t put the air conditioning on as it was a very humid night, so humid that my already dirty windshield was fogging up. So Jt picked up a stuffed Mike (my friend got me a stuff animal of Mike from Monster’s Inc which I keep in the car) and cleaned the inside of my windshield while I was driving. On the way home, Dave held his fat hands over the AC control panel so I couldn’t turn it off, meanwhile I threatened to let go of the wheel until he removed his hands. It was the same kinda goofy shit we have been doing for years but not in the past 5 years because Jt and I hadn’t been friends. Long story, maybe I’ll tell it someday.

As for the casino……………….don’t ask.

Yesterday was the annual beanbag tournament that my brother’s in laws host every year. We wound up having 17 teams. The teams are chosen randomly with a deck of cards.  I was paired up with my good friend Heather. The way it works is you play a best 2 of 3 against the other team. Whoever wins goes to the next round, and the loser goes to the loser’s bracket but is not done as it is double elimination. In the first round, we played Jt and a cute guy who was friends with my sister in law’s sister. I threw against him while Heather threw against Jt. The first game I sucked ass and Jt’s partner was good and we lost. The second game, I threw very well but Jt was on fire and we lost. As soon as the game was over I told Heather that “Jt is not THAT good”. Well, it turns out I was wrong. They won the whole damn thing! As for Heather and I, we played Mark’s mother in law and this other lady Kelly in the second round. Honestly, I thought we would win. And the first game we were rolling 19-6 (first one to 21 wins)  but just couldn’t finish them off. We wound up losing as Mark mother in law got on fire.  And the second game, while it wasn’t even close. We lost and were done. I was so disappointed. I’ve always considered myself a halfway decent beanbag player. Although I didn’t expect to win the whole damn thing, I thought we would at least advance, as Heather is pretty good too and she and I have a habit of playing well together. What sucks is that now I have to wait an entire year until the next tournament.

After the tournament I went to my cousin’s 40th birthday party. It turns out my cousin’s brother (yes, I know he is my cousin too) is a complete nut when it comes to politics. He tries to claim he is not a Republican or Democrat but its quite obvious he is a pretty staunch hard core Republican. While I can talk politics in a civil and fair manner, he was just getting very passionate and angry about the whole thing. I told him he should watch The Daily Show and Bill Maher but he told me that they are not relevant because they are comedians. I told him that he needs to find some sort of humor in it all but he said that things are just so critical and so awful and Obama, Pelosi and Reid are doing so much damage thats very serious. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for him or what. I mean, even when Bush was in office and helping to put us in this situation, I was outraged and furious but still found lots of humor in it.

For the past two weeks the whole world has been talking about that dude that died……..Andrew Jackson was it? No, wait………uhhhh Michael Jordan? Wait, here it is, Michael Jackson! Yes that’s it. Singer. Entertainer. Humanitarian. Pedophile?

The day he died I was driving home from work and they were talking about his legacy on the radio. One of the dj’s said that if you are over 30 you know and will remember Jackson for his music but if you are under 30 all your memories of him are the creepy fucked up dude who had a fondness for little boys. In the two weeks since his death I’ve had countless conversations about if he was guilty of the accusations against him. As you know, I’m always very opinionated and outspoken. And like everything else, of course I’ve got a very strong opinion about this topic as well and I will get into that later. But, getting back to my conversations with people, I have learned a lot about race with the Michael Jackson death. Most white people believe he molested little boys. Every single black person I’ve spoken to believes he did not molest the boys and that the families were just out to exploit money from him.

While most people with half a brain and even a small bit of common sense avoid talking about race, especially with people of color, I’m not like most people.  I’ve always been quite brainless. Like Charles Barkley, I believe we should have conversations about race. So here I am, talking about it. I’m not racist myself. As the saying goes, I don’t have a racist bone in my body. Well, that’s not entirely true. My right kneecap has big problems with Jews and Asians, but not the rest of me, I’ve always been fascinated by Jews and Asians. I also realize that most people who say they aren’t racist are racist. I don’t  believe I’m racist. But some people might disagree after they read what I’m about to write.  A couple of years ago I wrote an amusing post about how black people think all black people are innocent and how white people assume that every person ever accused of even the slightest transgression are guilty as hell and deserve the stiffest penalty humanly possible.

So what does Jackson’s legacy say about race in America? Regardless of his guilt or innocence, blacks refuse to even consider him being guilty. Honestly, I stopped thinking of Michael as being black years ago. Then again, I stopped thinking of him as being male as well. Come to think of it, I stopping thinking of him as human. But that has nothing to do with his innocence or guilt but more to do with his freaky body and personality. But, I digress.

So why is it that blacks get defensive about him and other blacks accused of crimes (such as O.J., although now I know a few blacks who admit his guilt)? Is it because of the history of the way America and the white majority have done everything possible to hold them down and for nearly the first 200 years of America’s existence treated blacks like second class citizens or sub human? Maybe because of this blacks feel that they need to defend other blacks regardless of guilt as part of an “us versus them” mentality? What does it say about whites that blacks, after all these years and strides that have been made, still feel they have to defend blacks even though in their hearts they know they are guilty? I’ve always said that blacks need to get over the mentality that race is involved in every bad thing that happens to blacks. And on the other side, whites have got to stop pretending that racism does not exist. Every time a black person cries racism, the whites dismiss the accusations of racism as bullshit. Wake up white America, racism is alive and well and does happen a lot on a daily basis. And blacks, realize this, if you find racism in everything, it makes it harder to believe when actual racism has occurred and therefore hurts blacks who have been wronged by the evils of racism. Either way, until both sides can change, we will never live in a racially peaceful world.

I’d like to consider myself an observant, at least semi intelligent guy. I like to analyze things. I need to know answer to questions. I can usually rationalize things until I find an answer that makes sense. And I think the reason why blacks defend Michael is because of past racism. But, I’m not positive. I will ask some blacks, probably at work which is not the best place to have this conversation. But, I’m also asking you to weigh in on it and give your opinion.

As for Michael Jackson, when he was first accused in 1993, I initially thought he was innocent but thought it could have been possible. Then he was accused again. He went on ABC and in an interview  he sat on a couch and held hands with a 12 year old boy the entire time. That really changed my view. When I mention this to blacks, they all say that there is nothing wrong with holding hands with a boy and my response is “but with a 12 year old?” Also he was accused a second time. If going through the horrors of the first ordeal didn’t have enough of an effect on him as to not allow himself to be put in that situation again, then he is a sick motherfucker who can not control himself. I used to love his music. But now, I can’t listen to it without thinking of Michael Jackson, Pedophile.

As you might have guessed, me loves me some history. And when it comes to history and tv, nothing is better than the History Channel. Tonight once again I watched something On Demand from the History Channel about Abe Lincoln’s remains. I’m sure many people have heard about how grave robbers tried to rob his grave, well this special was the story about how it all went down. I’m going to ask that you drop everything and watch it right now.

Actually, I take that back. Finish reading this first.

Even if you aren’t a big history buff (and if you aren’t than you are dead to me. There, how’s that?) this is still very interesting. And somebody really should make a movie about the whole ordeal. I’d do it, but I’ve got a busy weekend planned. I can get you started on a title for the movie about stealing Lincoln. We can call the movie Stealing Lincoln. There. Now you’ve got a title. I’ve now done half the work. All you need to do now is write it and make it. Get moving! Or if you don’t do it, then tell somebody to do it.

So anywho, the whole story is quite interesting and very much like an actual movie. Honestly, I was on the edge of my seat glued to the tv watching this program. Now I don’t want to give away anything too essential to the plot, so instead I will tell you something that I found out that I found very interesting, yet doesn’t take away from the program. What I’m going to tell you has nothing to do with Lincoln’s death or his ever moving corpse. I learned that Lincoln basically started our national currency. Before the government started their own currency, banks were in control of the money. Literally. They would print their own money. There were 1,2,3,4,5,8, dollar bills. Hell there was even a 13 bill, however I think I should clarify that these weren’t dollars but instead bills of currency because the American dollar had not yet been created. I’m just amazed that we as a nation went some 70 plus years (or even more, I’m not sure of when the dollar was created) without a national currency. That means our dollar is not even 150 years old. To put that in perspective, the city of Chicago is older then the dollar. And so is John McCain.

They also went into detail about Lincoln’s funeral, which made Michael Jackon’s funeral look like batting practice. His funeral lasted 2 weeks and over 1,500 miles crossing through at least 6 states. His body was viewed by over a million people. And his funeral train seen by an estimated 5 or 6 million people. It was like no other funeral before or since.

In closing try to catch this program, you won’t be disappointed.

Or just wait until you make the movie. Either way, you suck.

Yesterday I posted about how there are probably a lot of things we don’t know about various people. Of course, I took the time to make some lame and possibly offensive jokes at the expense of people who really deserved it. I thought about it and wanted to apolo…………….you thought I was going to apologize didn’t you? Apologize? For what? None of those people even know I said anything. Honestly, if there was even some way possible that they did see it and they got pissed about it, it would only benefit me because it would get me attention. And as we all know, I’m nothing if not an attention whore.

Back to my original point though. I thought about it and said to myself “why not post shit about myself that people might not know”. So, here are some true and some not true facts about me. Of course, I won’t tell you which is true and which isn’t, that will be for you to figure out. Of course, if you ask, I will tell you which ones I made up.

• I’ve got an addiction to Rold Gold pretzel rods.
• I once refused to shake the hand of a Republican candidate for president and 3 days later he dropped out of the race.
• I’m named after Sally Jessy Raphael.
• I’ve got a twin brother.
• My natural body odor has been compared to a rotting corpse.
• My 76 year old uncle threatened to kill me at the funeral of another uncle.
• I’m allergic to pussy.
• I sat 4th row at a Chicago Cubs game and a Chicago Bulls game on the same day.
• The most about of time anybody can stand to be in my presence is 8 minutes.
• Somebody paid to get me to stop singing at a piano bar.
• I frighten children and nuns.
• I’m going to make it after all………….wait, come to think of it that’s Mary Tyler Moore. You can disregard that one.
• I’ve never driven drunk.
• I’ve got Larry King’s face tattooed to my ass. 
• I’m one hell of a fat motherfucker!

Well there you go. Have at ‘em!

I was watching this History Channel thing On Demand last night about the amazing Benjamin Franklin. I found it very interesting but didn’t learn a whole lot more about him. The special was only about 90 minutes long and honestly, it probably could have been 3 hours long and still been very interesting and still left stuff out. Plus, when you think about it, there are probably lots of things we don’t know about lots of famous people. And that’s fine. Everybody is entitled to privacy. And there are definitely many things which are none of our business. But, I’m sure there are things that might make these people seem more human and more relatable. I dunno, make Franklin was afraid of the dark. Or maybe he had psoriasis on his balls. Still, it got me thinking about shit that we might not know about people. For example…………

• Turns out Rush Limbaugh is only a big fat idiot in physical stature but not when it comes to the junk in his pants. Because of his tiny penis, he has never been able to give a lady an orgasm.
• Ann Coulter actually believes that she is a direct descendent of Satan, which is why she is so fucking heartless and evil. 
• Bill O’Reilly’s wife calls him “her lil’ minute man”. He has to be quick though so he can continue to yell at people.
• Barry Bonds is afraid of his own shadow due to its freakish size and shape.
• Senator Joseph McCarthy hated the color red so much that he decided to start a campaign against Communism. 

I can go on. But honestly, its not very funny to begin with and I’m worried Ann Coulter might beat the shit out of me with her man penis. But just think about all the amazing people in history and the stuff we don’t know about them.

Every summer holiday a bunch of guys and I get together and play baseball. Yesterday was no exception. And because it seems to rain every fucking day this spring/summer, of course it rained. It rained for almost the entire time we played, except for maybe about 20 minutes. Actually, for the first hour and a half or so it was just a steady drizzle. Then it stopped. Then it started and it was an actual rain. We never stopped playing though. By the end of the game the batters box was so muddy that it was hard to get out of the box. And even when you got out of the box, your shoes were caked with what seemed to be about 10lbs of mud, making it very difficult to run. Still, we had a good time, and my team won.

For years my brother Mark and I have always been captains and were the ones that picked teams. There is this one guy who is a total dick who plays and Mark and I unconspired to pick him last. I say unconspired because we didn’t actually talk about picking him last but since neither one of us like him, we pretty much ignored him until I got stuck with him. And when it came down to the last pick, I even said “well, I guess that means I’m stuck with Ted.” I’m sure that made him feel real good. Of course it didn’t change the fact that once again he bitched throughout the game, most of the time under his breath so that neither Mark or I could hear him. But he deserved to be picked last. Everybody knows this type of guy, the type that is an arrogant prick who is overly competitive and who is a total asshole to anybody who fucks up while playing. I’ve never been a gifted athlete myself. People like him hate people like me and love to bully and rip on players like me. I’ve never been one to put up with that shit though as I never had a problem sticking up for myself. So, it felt good to stick it to an asshole like that by picking him last.

I’m getting confirmed reports that Michael Jackson has died. What’s that, turns out he died on Thursday June 25? Well shit, how did the media and myself miss that one? I guess everybody was so blinded and upset by the loss of Billy Mays that Jackson’s death went virtually unnoticed. Wow, thats is really kinda shocking. I mean, I would of thought that CNN would have mentioned it at least one in the time since he died.

So last night one of my friend’s had a party at his house for the 4th. It was cool and all, but nothing too exciting to talk about.

I’m still desperate to take a vacation. Maybe a road trip. Maybe a train trip. Maybe I will go to Washington D.C. Maybe to Atlantic City. Maybe to New England to see a Red Sox game and the world’s largest casino in Connecticut. Maybe drive down Rt 66. Maybe a cruise. Then again, maybe none of those. I still can’t find somebody to go with. I’m determined to go somewhere, but without somebody to share the cost with it can be tough. Also, traveling alone can get very very boring. Still, my desperation and desire to travel is probably stronger than the need to go with somebody.

Yesterday was my friend Dave’s favorite day of the year: the day we go to the Taste of Chicago. Now most of you are not from the area, so you might be saying to yourself “What the fuck is the Taste of Chicago? Do people actually taste other people from Chicago? Do they lick various body parts? Do they cook people? Do they lick the ground? What the hell goes on at the Taste of Chicago? You Chicagoans are a bunch of weird freaky motherfuckers, come to think of it I’m not sure I want to know what goes on at the Taste of Chicago.” Well if you are thinking any of that than holy shit, you have too much time on your hands. Its actually a 10 food festival in which Chicago has a bunch of restaurants set up booths in the middle of Grant Park (yes, the same Grant Park in which President Obama had his victory rally on election night) and also the surrounding streets of Grant Park. Here, check out a link for more info

http://www.explorechicago.org/city/en/things_see_do/event_landing/special_events/mose/taste_of_chicago.html

I know a lot of cities have their own tastes as well. Six years ago we went to the Taste of Minnesota. Also, I know that Memphis has a rather large food and music festival in May called May Days. And Chicago’s biggest suburb, Milwaukee, has a music festival called Summerfest.

So yesterday, we took the day off work and went to the Taste, as it is commonly known in these parts. We usually go on a weekend, but one o our favorite bands, Barenaked Ladies, were playing at the Taste. Did I mention it was a free concert?

Anywho, yesterday I had to have a couple of cavities filled, so I was a little worried about my mouth considering I was going to have a full day of eating ahead of me. It took several hours for the novacaine to wear off but it was fine in the end.

Dave and his wife Kelli picked me up about 11:45ish. First we had to drop their kids off at Dave’s brother house way the fuck up in Palatine so that his sister in law could watch the kids while Dave’s brother and one of his daughter’s went with us. Traffic into the city was a motherfucker.

We eventually got into the taste about 2:20, meeting our friends Jt and Corli down there and later another friend, Don.

Now I should mention that both Dave and I are messy eaters. What complicates things about the Taste is that there are no tables, you pretty much just eat and walk. This makes things even messier. Dave’s brother had gotten something with powdered sugar and had about a half inch of powdered sugar left in this paper plate type thing. I ate the rest of the powdered sugar. See, now you know if there is any reason why you have to wonder why I had cavitites. Nevertheless, I managed to get the powdered sugar all over my shirt. And still some on my face to go with the bbq sauce on my face. Not to be out done, Dave had no less than 6 spots on his shirt from food. And he didn’t stop there. At one point he went to get a steak taco from one vendor and while putting hot sauce on the taco, somehow managed to squirt it on the back of the helpless guy next to him. The guy didn’t know that Dave had messed his shirt, but Dave’s brother took a picture of the guy’s back.

As for the foods that I ate, every year I try to get something I’ve never had before. This year, it was shark smothered in a tomato sauce. It was good, but pretty much just tasted like seafood, which makes sense since most sharks tend to live in the sea. Also I tried some gator, which was good too but probably not worth the cost of the gator since it was $4 for a piece of gator about the size of a flacid penis. I also had some other steak stuff in between two plantains. It sucked. Once again though, the best food I had might have been the simplest; Italian ice. It was so good, I had it at least twice.

The weather was ok. We have been going for 12 or 13 years and this was the first time it had ever rained. And it never did more than drizzle for a good half hour, enough for people to bust out their ponchos and umbrellas. The threat of rain was there the whole time though.

As for the concert, the lead singer of the band left the Ladies earlier this year. The show was not the same or as good without him, but it was still entertaining. I guess we will just have to wait until both he and the band realize that they can make more money together than apart.

We wound up having seats for the concert. We were close enough to be able to good a halfway decent look at them, but not close enough to make out their faces. Part of the problem was that the entire time, this couple of front of us stood. Sure, everybody stood for the first song or two. But most people sat down after that. Not these fuckers though. This was my view for the times when I chose to sit down:

When I was sitting down, I put my feet on their chairs. Honestly it didn’t matter. They never sat down. They also never noticed me do it. Furthermore, I think they failed to notice anybody else besides the band. Hell, I didn’t pay all this money to stare at their backs for……………..wait, shit, I forgot, I didn’t pay anything for the concert. Still, it would have been nice if they had sat down for just a song or two. If I had brought my cattle prod I’m sure they would have had no problem sitting down. Then again, I don’t own a cattle prod. I don’t even know how to spell cattle prod.

We wound up not even leaving the Taste until about 8:40. It was the longest amount of time we spent at the Taste in years. It was also the first time Jt had gone with us in 5 years. He used to go with us every year but he and I had a falling out that lasted until last summer. It was never quite the same without him there. As I sat in the back of the minivan gazing out the window on the ride home, I reflected on the day. With the food and Jt being back in the fold, the band and being able to use Dave’s giant brother as a marker every time I got separated from the rest of the group, I thought this year was the best Taste we ever had.

It would have been better had I punched the viewblockers in the kidney and made them sit down.

I swear I’m not a violent person. But honestly, sit the fuck down already They weren’t even dancing. Or moving. Or singing. They were doing nothing. So why not do nothing while sitting, its a helluva a lot more comfortable.