August 24, 2009

• I’m Back Baby!!! Part Two: The Search For Cock

  I woke up Tuesday morning with a goal of being at the National Mall by 10am. I got up and stole the room service from the people in the room next to me. It was ok because they were loudly having sex. I also may or may not have joined them during the sex session. Or like much of the other shit in yesterday’s post and today’s post, I may have made it up.

  The hotel had a free shuttle to the Metro, which is D.C.’s wonderful transit system, in this case a train that goes into the city. Although I didn’t make it to the Mall by 10am, it was very close, like about 10:05 or 10:10. I walked out of the Metro station turned left and was greeted with this view:

  Right now, Xanga sucks at uploading pictures. But picture this, a long, hard, erect picture of a white monument that stands tall overlooking………wait, I need to stop, I’m turning myself on.

  I walked up to the Washington Monument and asked for a ticket. At first the lady said that she had nothing available until 5:30pm. But, I flashed her a little cleavage and she gave me a ticket for the 2:30 trip to the top. That gave me over 4 hours to kill. I knew I wanted to go to the National Archives to see the Constitution, Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence and the script for Howard the Duck, all documents in a lightly lit area under half inch thick glass. There was also a copy of the Magna Carta that was from the year 1297, which really looked good for something that was almost as old as John McCain. The documents were all amazing and worth the price of admission, which was $0. Still even if they did charge, it would be worth it.

  Next I went to the Capital for lunch. If you think the Capital building is big on tv, its even bigger in person. I walked in and went straight for the cafeteria which served foods from all over the country. I got some bbq pork with mashed potatoes and cornbread. It was damn good, I think I want to get elected to Congress just for the lunch. As for the rest of the Capital, well you need a pass from your Congressperson just to see the rotunda or the chamber where congressional debates put people to sleep. I did not have a pass. But rest assured, someday I will go back to Washington D.C. and will have a pass.

  After lunch, I went over the beautiful Supreme Court building, determined to find out why Sonia Sotomayor was chosen as a Justice instead of me. Turns out they were avoiding me as they weren’t even in session. So I walked over to the Lincoln Memorial, which in the 95 degree heat with no respite from the sun, was a long walk. I made it over there in just enough time to take a picture of good ol’ Linc before hustling over to the Washington Monument. I went up inside for what was an amazing, yet kinda scary view of the city. It is taking forever to load pics, so please just use your imagination.

  By the time I got out, it was about 3 in the pm. I wanted to be back at my hotel by 5pm so that I could make it to the Washington Nationals game by 7pm. I also wanted to stop off at Dupont Circle which is the gayborhood in D.C. The circle was only 2 stops away off the Metro. I got on, went one stop before the train stopped due to some track problems and everybody had to get off the train and they said it might be an hour delay. I went outside and walked the rest of the way to Dupont Circle. It was an easy walk, they had signs pointing me exactly to where I needed to go. Although it had started to drizzle a little bit, it remained hot and very humid. I walked into a gay store to pick up some porn. Upon paying for the porn, the dude behind the counter asked how I was. Being sweaty and worn out from walking, I said “Ugggghhhh……….hot” to which he replied “I know you are.” I asked him for a bag and he said that he should say that he didn’t have one so that I would give him my number. So I had him arrested for embezzlement.

  I got back on the train about 4ish. It was moving fine and we were on our way back to the burbs. With two stops to go, I called the hotel and told them to send the shuttle. I got off the train about 5:15pm. The shuttle didn’t arrive until 5:40pm. The driver told me that it would take probably an hour and a half to drive to the ballpark but that I could take the train and it would save me time. I didn’t see a stop on the train schedule, so I decided to try to make it via driving. I got back to the hotel about 5:45 and asked the lady at the front desk to print me out directions. It took her 25 minutes to do this! I’m not embellishing at all, I didn’t leave until almost 6:10. And the directions she gave me were the most detailed and ridiculous directions ever. It had 20 steps. Take this road for 2 miles. Then get on this expressway for 3 miles. Get off. Go .83 miles. Turn here. Go .75 miles. Get onto another expressway for half a mile. Get off. Go 1 1/4 miles. Get on another expressway. Fuck your mother. Now fuck my mother. Now after .69 miles go here. On and on it went. As luck would have it, one of the many roads they had me going to was closed. That really fucked me up and threw me for a loop. Fortunately for me it was raining and I was holding out hope that there would be a rain delay. The park was not easy to find in the least. Unlike everything else in Washington, it was not on the tourist map that I was given. I was listening to the Nationals broadcast and even heard them start the game right on time, as I struggled to find the damn park.

  Right here is where a picture would be if I had actually made it to the park. But I didn’t.

  I drove around missing turns, pissing people off with my clueless driving and getting more and more frustrated by the minute. When I finally made it to the park, it was the 3rd inning and pointless to even try to get tickets. I was pretty pissed because it meant that I had blown my goal of 5 games in 5 cities in 5 days. I decided I would head back towards the hotel to find something to do. Of course, I got lost. Next thing I know I’m in Arlington, VA. I look to my right and said to myself “holy shit, that is a really big building!” Turned out to be the Pentagon! I still wandered around lost, trying to find my way back to my hotel for almost another two hours, growing more and more pissed and frustrated by the minute. I finally made it to a Red Lobster about a mile from my hotel shortly before 9 in the pm. Since I never had eaten at Red Lobster and I was upset, I decided to treat myself.

  The next morning I woke up about 7:30 and after breakfast and showering I found a Days Inn in Pittsburgh to stay at. They said I would not be able to check in before 3pm. Being that it was only a 4 hour drive and it was not even 10am, it gave me plenty of time to get there. I decided to stop off in Somerset, PA for lunch. You should remember Somerset as the place where United 93 crashed on September 11. I wanted to visit the site but was unable to find it. Still, I felt a mix of somberness and gratitude while driving through Somerset. The fact that it took only 3 hours to drive there from Washington goes to show how close they were to actually making it to the Capital and how grateful we should that the heros on that flight gave their lives to save the lives of so many.

  I got into Pittsburgh about 2:30, driving over a bridge and through a tunnel to get to my motel. They let me check in just a little bit early. My room was on the second floor. I walked outside and up the stairs to find a couple of suspicious looking guys who were pacing in front or near my room. I put my keycard in the door and walked in to find a room with a messy bed, a garbage bag with stuff in it on the floor, and something on the table. At first I thought they forgot to clean the room. Upon further review though, I saw a purse and clothes. Turns out, somebody was still checked into that room. I went downstairs and told the workers and they gave me a new room. But I was paranoid that they would do the same thing to me. The area the motel was in and the motel itself were kinda shady. Shortly after I got into the room, it started raining buckets. I was worried the game might be canceled. I watched a little bit of tv while waiting for the storm to pass. The whole time, those fuckin guys were pacing past my room. I was worried they would break in while I was at the game, assuming there was going to be a game. I even thought about just checking out and going home. But in the end, I hung the do not disturb sign on my door, left the tv and lights on to give the impression that somebody was still in the room and kicked those guys in the shin before heading to the game.

  The game itself was cool. It had stopped raining and turned out to be a nice night. The park was really nice but sadly nearly empty. For the first inning and a half, it was only myself and another guy in the section that I was in. But, after another inning, a family showed up. I did actually stay for this entire game. When I got back to my room, I was relieved to find out that nobody had been in my room.

  I left the next morning about 9:30am and made it home shortly after 5. It was a rather uneventful ride home. Friday my friend Danel and I went to the House on the Rock not far from Madison, WI. For those of you not familiar with it, go to their website and check it out:

  http://www.thehouseontherock.com/

  I’d post pics, but, well you know. There really is no way to describe this place. All I can say is the dude who built it was probably on LSD. Or maybe opium. Or both. Either way, he was not normal.  But it is a pretty damn cool place.

  After the Hizzy, we went to downtown Madison before heading home.

  This was a long post too. Thankfully, I’m ending it now.

  • 11:49 pm
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