September 28, 2009

• GO ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!

  Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always been fascinated with swear words and cursing. My mom was quite the artist when it came to cursing; she could swear up a blue streak that would make a trucker blush. And she wasn’t shy about it either, never really covering it up or taking shame in her shit ass potty mouth. Like all parents though, she did not allow her kids to swear; so if I managed to let one slip it got me a slap in the mouth or the threat of “washing my God damn mouth out with soap!” Now that I’m a grown man, I swear with the best of them and I have my mom to thank for her French speaking influence! By the way, why when somebody swears, its always “pardon my French”? Did the French invent swearing or something?

  Of course when I was a kid, I knew all the basic swear words, like shit, fuck, piss, God damn, asshole and my mom’s favorite to use on me, sonofabitch, which I never quite understood since by calling me it she was literally calling herself a bitch. One word that my brother Mark and I learned in about second grade was bastard. I remember arguing with him because he didn’t think it was a bad word and I thought it was. In spite of it all, I don’t think we started fucking swearing on a regular basis until around 6th grade.

  So those were the basic words. As I got into middle school and high school I was introduced to new words that I never heard my mom use. See, my mom was some 41 years older than me, so I don’t think her generation used these words so much. I think these words might have been past her time, however I think if they had come in vogue during her swearing prime she probably would have used them as much as the other words. They include words like cock, dick, cunt, pussy, cocksucker and other words used to describe human genitalia. What is so funny about these words though is that they are used as insults even though clearly, everybody loves genitalia. Honestly, who doesn’t love cock? Girls love it, gay guys love it and straight guys love their own dicks. And of course, everybody loves a cocksucker. Ok, I should correct it, lesbians don’t love cock or cocksucking, but certainly they love pussy, just like straight guys and girls. So why is it that it is an insult to be called something that brings so much just to, oh, the entire fucking human race at some point in their lives.

  Now there are the swear words themselves and then there is the words that are combined with other words to create an offensive phrase. One that is probably as common as any is “fuck off” or “go fuck yourself.”. As you no doubt know, this is an insult and used to pretty much tell somebody to go to hell or to leave you alone. Yet, when you think of it, fucking off is fun because it means you are fucking somebody. And fucking yourself, well that aint all bad either. Whether fucking off or fucking yourself, the result is usually good and in many cases results in an orgasm, which EVERYBODY loves and enjoys. Its almost like you are telling somebody to have a good time or go enjoy themselves.  What people should probably say is “go fuck your mother” or “go jerk off your daddy” because, hey, the fucking of one’s mother or pole jerking of one’s father is just downright nasty for everybody not named Mackenzie Phillips.

  I think though that at this point, we are long overdue for new and inventive swear words. I’m sure if I thought long and hard about it, I could come up with some of my own that could be used. I need to come up with some that would make my mom proud; something that will make her rollover in her grave and say “Michael, you sonofabitch, what the fuck is the matter with you?”

  Still don’t be afraid to come up with some of your own though.

  • 10:10 pm
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