January 4, 2010

  • A Historic Sequel

    As you no doubt know from my December 14th post, I started reading a book called Don't Know Much About History. I mentioned in that post that I was hoping to post at least once a week not only my progress in the book, but also what I was learning. So that was 3 weeks ago and I have yet to post about it again.Well, I have a damn good excuse, I spent the better part of the past 3 weeks hopped up on model airplane glue................oooooooo that's good stuff!!! So anywho, you are probably wondering just how many pages I've made it in the book. In fact, I'm sure you have spent the better part of the past 3 weeks nervous with anticipation, not being able to sleep at night, maybe even finding yourself on or around the toilet panicked with how far I have gotten in the book. Well the good news is that I have an update for you! When I last posted, I was deep into the book, 10 pages. I am now 180 pages into the book! Ohhhh, that's about 8 pages a day!! Wow, I'm burning through this book. With the book being 658 pages, if I stay on the same pace, I should be done with the book right about the time Albert Pujols is disgraced for using performance enhancing drugs! But I digress, here is what I've learned in those 170 pages:

    • The American revolution was all a big misunderstanding due to the lack of a translator to translate the shit Ozzy Osbourne was mumbling. 
    • George Washington removed his pants during the first presidential inaugural speech. He said his pants kept making his boxers ride up into his crack.
    • Sally Hemings whipped Thomas Jefferson's ass with a golf club when he accused her of having an affair with Tiger Woods.
    • Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton just so that Dick Cheney wouldn't be the only sitting vice president to shoot a man. 
    • Andrew Jackson used to draw lipstick on his lips on the $20 bill.
    • Ben Franklin invented the glory hole. He also discovered the G spot, but let John Adams take the credit because he felt sorry for him since Adams had spent his entire life searching for it. Just ask Abigail. 
    • During the War of 1812, Dolly Madison pissed out a fire that the British had started in the Lincoln bedroom.

    So there you have it so far, can't you see just how much I'm learning. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 8 pages to read!

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