June 1, 2010

  • Hey Man, Can You Buy Me A Pack Of Squares

    Geez, what a busy weekend. Okay, so its not the weekend anymore, but I'm just now getting a chance to post. I'd ask how your holiday weekend went, but I really don't care.

    Just kidding. I do care. But keep it brief............I've got an old lady to mug in a couple of hours.

    Saturday was the busiest day of the weekend. I got up early (well, what for me is early at least on a Saturday) at about 9:15ish. I made myself some breakfast before heading to the bank and then to get my hairs cut. People say it looks good, but I think she cut it too short. Maybe I should mug her instead. After that, I mowed the lawn and did some other yard work, part of which consisted of me looking for my neighbor's leg which I ran over while mowing. Look, it wasn't my fault after all what the hell was his leg doing under the mower while I was trying to mow over his wife while she was in her bed.

    After exercising and showering, it was time for pizza. As you may or may not know, I started my own monthly pizza club, and declared myself president in a bloodless coup. My friend Dave had a great idea of playing mini golf after pizza and then getting some Italian ice, which is always good.

    That was the end of my night with that group of friends and it was only 7:30, so I called my friend Danel who I was supposed to be going out with to a bar in the city. While I was sitting in my parked car on the phone, some 15 (or 14 or maybe even 16) year old kid gets out of an SUV that had pulled up and approaches my car and this is what transpired along with what I was thinking:

    Mike's Head: "Why is this fucker coming up towards me, is he gonna ask me for sex or alcohol?"

    The Punk Ass Kid: "Hey man, can you buy me a pack of squares?"

    Mike's Head: "What the fuck is a pack of squares? Is that what the kids are calling cigarettes these days, because when I hear squares I think of Super Bowl squares."

    Me: "What?"

    The Punk Ass Kid: "Can you get me a pack of squares?"

    Mike's Head: "This dope DOES mean cigarettes, geez, I would of thought when I asked him the first time he would have changed it and said smokes or cigarettes. Wow, today's youth are really stupid, first of all do I even look like the type of guy who would not only buy him cigarettes but also know what squares are. Shit, I drive a fucking pussy ass Cavalier for shit's sake."

    Me: "No, sorry man."

    Mike's Head: Wow, he was dopey lookin. I hope he falls on the way back to the SUV."

    Me to Danel: "Some kid asked me to buy him a pack of squares. What the fuck is a pack of squares?"

    Danel: "Its cigarettes you moron!".

    So I picked her up and we went into the city. Yadda Yadda Yadda, I got home at 4am.

    Sunday I had a graduation party to go to that started at noon, which I thought was a bit early for a party to start, especially since I didn't get to bed until after 4 in the am. Although it was a high school graduation, they had a huge ass moonwalk, you know, one of those jumpy things. We kept calling it the Jumpy of Doom because my brother injured his foot on it and I wound up with a couple of nasty burns from it. Still, it was pretty fun though.

    Although it was over 90 degrees out, I thought it would be a good idea to play basketball with my brother and a couple of teenagers, my brother and I each had a teen on our team to try to keep things even. After we got our asses kicked, I was VERY hot and worn out. I even went down into the nice and cool basement and really started pouring sweat.

    Every Memorial Day for about the past gazillion years, my friends and I play baseball. The forecast called for only a 30% chance of rain, so naturally it was pouring out an hour before we started. We still went to the field though and although it was not pouring it was still raining, thundering and lightening. And for some stupid reason, we still played. We seem to do this every year even if it rains. I've never been fond of swinging an aluminum bat during a thunderstorm so remind me to never do that again. When I told a lady I work with about it, she reminded me that several years ago her 26 year old nephew was struck by lightening and killed while warming up to play a baseball game. Next time..........all those other fuckers can play, I'm out.