May 11, 2011

• Raging Cholesterol

  So I went to the doctor for my yearly physical a couple of weeks ago. I'm one of the only people I know who goes for a yearly physical, but what can I say, I enjoy a good tug on the balls by a doctor. Of course I had all of the routine tests but mainly should tell you about the ever so fun blood test. Now since I usually don't do things easy, of course I've got a story to tell about the blood test.

  See, I've got a fear of needles. Well, not afraid of needles really, but afraid of a needle in the main vein in my arms. I swear I could never do needle drugs. Or at least I would have to be totally drugged to do needle drugs. And by totally drugged I mean knocked the fuck out so people can stick the ever living fuck out of me which really defeats the purpose of doing drugs if you are out cold; I mean, what is the fun in doing a drug if you are not conscious enough to enjoy it. But I digress.

  In my doctors office they have a little tiny area for somebody to draw blood and for me to piss in a cup so they can test for shit that way too. So I go over there and tell the lady to drain me...............except I don't do the whole arm thing, I want my shit to be taken from my hand. Now the lady seemed a little cranky but in her defense she made a good half ass try to get the blood out of my hands but to no avail. She then told me to take my urine sample with my bruised hands and go to another place. I was kinda pissed because this had never been a problem before, but whatever.

  So off I went with urine sample and paperwork in hand.  I drove a couple of miles up the road and walked into this crowded blood test place with my urine in one hand and paperwork in another. A real person with actual shame and dignity would have been embarrassed by this, but not me, instead I was pissed at having to go out of my way because the other lady couldn't get blood out of my hands.  It was worth it though because there was this wonderful lady who's name I can't remember right now (which really sucks because she was totally fucking awesome) was very patient and was able to get the blood out.

  Well last week I get the results of the blood and urine test back. Turns out, my cholesterol is 1257! And by 1257, I mean 210. So I've put myself on a strict low cholesterol diet. Oh and as for everything else, I've got no STDs, no diabetes or nothing else wrong but it turns out my estrogen level is low. So I got breast implants.

  • 11:02 pm
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