August 1, 2011

• A Misfit?

  Lately I've been feeling like I don't fit in, well, anywhere. This is not a big deal as I've always had trouble fitting in my entire life. I've always been different and a little............off. Of course, I respond to that by attempting to use humor to try to gain acceptance and for the most part, it works. But, being a masculine, gay guy in a straight world, sometimes I guess I'm prone to these feelings, even though nobody has outwardly done anything to exclude me or make me feel out of place.

  I guess I should clarify that, in spite of what anybody says, there is a difference between the gay world and the straight world. Don't think so? Well just check out the gay neighborhood in your area or if you live in the gay neighborhood, just venture outside that neighborhood to understand what I mean. I know we as a society like to try to pretend that everybody is the same, but the reality is that there are some stark differences between different cultures and backgrounds. Blacks, whites, gays, heteros, Muslims, Hispanics, Christians and even the rich and poor all have different cultures and have their own neighborhoods. It is how it is. Can't change it and maybe we shouldn't, but instead just accept anybody who wants to be a part of that neighborhood or culture. But, I'm getting away from my point.

  Now I should mention I do not live in the gay area of Illinois. I live in southwest suburban Chicago and there is pretty much nothing gay about the area in which I choose to live, work, and hang out. I do like it here; hell it is where I grew up and is home. But, ever since I went to Key West in June and experienced more of the gay culture, I've felt like maybe I should be living in a gay neighborhood and that maybe I'm letting my gay brethren down by not living, working, or hanging out in that area. On the other hand, I don't feel I really fit in there; it is not my scene and not who I am. But, on yet another hand, I awkwardly and reluctantly almost felt at home in gay Key West.

  I guess I feel more at home in the so called "straight world." Yet, I still sometimes feel kind of out of place. Sure, I love sports and gambling and heavy metal and lots of other things straight guys like, except one really big thing. Now I want to make it clear that I don't care when I'm out with the guys and they are going on about chicks and all that stuff, it doesn't really bother me and although I do feel out of place, I also would never want them to change their behavior just because I am around as that would be even worse. But, I just don't feel like I entirely fit in with the straight world either.

  I guess I'm just stuck being what I've always been, a happy go lucky misfit who never quite fits in anywhere. I mean, it's not like I'm upset or depressed about it in the least. I'm just..............I don't know. Maybe there is something more out there for me?

  • 10:58 pm
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