February 22, 2012
-
It’s (Never) Gonna Happen
I’ve become convinced that a serious long term relationship is never going to happen for me. Not that I’m all that sad or upset about it. I guess I’m disappointed enough to post about it. But it’s not like it keeps me up at night or preoccupies me. I’m 36 and the longest relationship I’ve had lasted about a month and a half. I recognize that is kind of pathetic in a way. I also fully recognize that my lack of a relationship is pretty much my own fault. Which is why I can probably accept it more and also why I’m not miserable about the situation. It’s not that I’m even all that disappointed not to be in a relationship; I just wonder what it would be like and to at least experience love. Oh, I’m quite certain I could never tolerate anybody to want to be with any one single person for the rest of my life. Shit, I don’t even know if I could tolerate somebody enough to be in an open relationship for years.
In addition to not being fully out I’m a picky guy. Always have been. Always will be. Like many guys gay or straight, I’m superficial. Yes personality is important to me. In fact, in an ideal mate, it is a 50/50 split in terms of looks and personality. I mean, I couldn’t be with somebody sexually if I wasn’t physically attracted to him. But, I couldn’t be in a relationship with somebody unless we had a non physical connection as well and he had a personality. But, at first there needs to be a physical attraction. That means he needs to be in a least halfway decent shape. And I know people who would call me racist, but for the most part, I’ve always only been attracted to white guys. And usually younger, in fact, I’ve never been with anybody older than me. This really limits the playing field. I know this. And I accept this.
And honestly, I’m not even sure I want a relationship. All I know is that 20 years from now when I look back on my life, I want to be able to at least say that I was in love once. I just don’t know if I’m ready. And if I can put up with somebody. And, while I have hook up with a ton of guys sexually, I have been rejected more times than I can count. For a normal person, the rejection would take its toll. Not for me though. I think I’ve grown numb to it at this point.
I understand that I’m not everybody’s type, shit not everybody is my type. But, I’d like to think I’m a pretty good catch. No, let me rephrase that in an arrogant way. I’m a damn good catch. While I’ve been called hot and also called average, I don’t think I’m neither but instead somewhere in between. I can be hot at times. I can also look kinda not so good at times. In spite of what you see me write on this blog, I’ve got a pretty damn good personality. Although some friends recently called me an intellectual, I don’t think I would go that far, after all I don’t even have a college degree. I guess I’m smart, but not brilliant. I can hold a pretty damn good conversation and the one thing I can guarantee is that people are usually never bored around me. The question is, not why am I single, but why do I not draw interest from more men?
Comments (3)
Huh, I didn’t know you were gay up until this post.
I’d say it probably has to do with being picky. But it’s perfectly OK being on Team Single-we’re a flexible bunch, gay or straight, and we’re not as lonely when we know we’re not the only ones.
I’m gay?
Hmmm. I got nothing to add. I think you’re a cutie though… but ya know… I have a vagina… so… yeah…
Seriously though, Monkey had never married before me. He was 44 when we met. He had had relationships, but was totally against marriage completely… in my own arrogant way, I think that this proves he never “really” loved anyone in the best way before… because someone in there I was the one that finally made him want to be married…. so, my thought is… don’t give up on love. It can happen anytime.