November 1, 2012

• Oh, What A Feeling, When They’re Fixing The Ceiling

  Over the summer, my house suffered a unprovoked violent attack by my neighbor’s tree. We had a storm in which we experienced sustained winds of 90 miles an hour. Now now, don’t you go making excuses for the tree; shit it was just a little wind. But nevertheless, a rather large branch from the tree decided that it would be more comfortable if it relocated by briefly landing on my roof long enough to put a two foot hole in it. Later in the summer we had the roof fixed but unfortunately not before mother nature had taken a substantial piss in my attic. This of course, resulted in damage to the ceiling in the room where the hole was. It wasn’t long before a distant cousin of the tree, mold, started to grow on the ceiling. Also, the drywall had become so wet and brittle that part of it broke while THE MAN was fixing the fascia which had also been damage during the storm. So now we had to have it fixed before the mold spreads and starts a whole new civilization in the house.

  Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a couple of contractors and the insurance company come out and assess the damage. Well today is the day that THE MAN comes out and fixes the thing. They got here fairly early, right about eight in the A.M. So right away I got up and answered the door naked. I think they might have found that a little bit odd; for some reason they seemed taken aback by this. I let them in and offered them an eye opener of a line of cocaine. My mom always said nothing makes people work like a little bit of coke. At least that is what she used to do when she ran a daycare; it really made the kids much much more manageable.

  But I digress. Back to the ceiling. I led them down the hall and into the bedroom. This was totally gonna rock! As they stepped into the room, I quickly took a swing at each one of them and managed to knock both of them right the fuck out with one punch. I quickly stole all their money and shaved their heads, after all as I read on a website bald people think much clearer than people with a full head of hair. I used some smelling salts to bring them to and told them to get the fuck to work, I have a ceiling that needs fixin and it sure as hell wasn’t going to fix itself. Shortly thereafter the pounding started. Loud, hard, deep pounding. And the drilling. Holy fucking shit, the drilling. Two men, just pounding and drilling away Oh. It reminded me of last Friday night!

  And this is where we stand right now. As I write this, they are hard at work fixin my shit. I’ve learned that they seem to work much quicker and are much more productive if I withhold water and food from them. They should be okay though. I mean, we did A LOT of coke this morning so that should hold them over until at least the early part of the evening.

   

  • 12:23 pm
  • 1 Comment