As you all know by now, Friday December 21 was the end of the world. I was hoping to post this earlier but you would be surprised how busy I have been since the world ended. I’ve been going nearly non stop. Shit, imagine how busy I would have been had the world not ended? Wow. I shutter to think of how tired I would be by now. Damn. But nevertheless, somebody showed me this picture on Friday of a newspaper headline:

This newspaper cover reminds me of the old REM song “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” which of course has Michael Stipe as the lead singer. I was excited to see that the articles in the paper featured an interview with Stipe who is nothing if not the worlds foremost expert on feeling fine in spite of the fact that it is the end of the world as we know it. And what is so amazing is that so much of the end of the world on Friday featured much of what was in the song, at least the first few lines. At least that is what the paper said. I don’t know, outside of this newspaper headline I did not follow much of the news over the weekend; as I mentioned I was busy. So if anybody knows how the world ended up ending, please fill me in. Sure the headline gives a lot of info, but it just seems like they left a lot out. I mean what about Leonard Bernstein, Leonid Breshnev, and Lester Bangs? Sure, they offer me solutions, offer me alternatives, and I decline. Oh wait. I got it! You! Symbiotic? Patriotic? Ohhhhh I know I know!!! Slam book neck! Right? Right?

Are you like me? Do you believe that boy bands are the absolute worst music of all time? I mean seriously, is there anything worse than listening to a group of mostly gay young guys professing their love for some random girl in the most sappy, bubble gum pop way possible? And yet, boy bands are always very popular. I guess they owe their popularity to their target audience of teenage girls and creepy older gay guys. Eventually the girls grow up and the guys die off but after a while another group of girls come of age and inevitably usher in the popularity of some other crappy boy band. And so it goes on and on for decades and decades. But do you often wonder where they come up with their names? Well lucky for you, I’ve taken the time to do the research and give you the 100% guaranteed to be true facts* as to how some of these bands got their names:

• One Direction- They got their name because they make gay guys cocks go in one direction.
• The Backstreet Boys- Well as it turns out, the boys in this  band are all REALLY into anal sex.
• New Edition- A bunch of virgins decided that they wanted to get laid so they started a boy band and decided to name themselves the one thing they would all be when they bagged their first chicks: like a damn new, unused edition.
• New Kids on The Block- See, when a gay guy just comes out of the closet, he is the “new kid on the block”.
• NSYNC- They came up with their name because of their uncanny ability to all cum at the exact same time.
• Take That- Turns out, they were referring to a money shot.
• Boys II Men- These guys were so desperate to be famous that they would fuck everybody from boys to men to finally make it.
• Boyzone- Wow this might be the gayest one yet, named for an area that is filled with all hot boys.

*And by totally true I mean a total and complete load of utter bullshit that I totally made up. And I don’t mean some of it was made up. I mean the whole damn fucking thing. All of it. Every last word. It happens when I have absolutely jack shit to write about and have way too much damn time on my hands. Sorry. Perhaps I should have just stuck to jerkin off. Then again, I’m quite certain you didn’t believe any of this anyway.

For years Christians and Republicans have been raging on around Christmas time about the “war on Christmas.” They say that the liberals and Atheists are trying to force the Christ out of Christmas and how stores and companies saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas is one of the great travesties in society today. Well I can’t even begin to say how fucking ridiculous they sound, instead I’m going to focus on how hypocritical they are and how they are totally missing the boat on this one. Never mind how Christmas is EVERYWHERE and damn near impossible to hide from, somehow these people still feel like victims and that they are in some sort of war against non Christians over Christmas………….in spite of the fact that a hell of a lot of non Christians actually still celebrate Christmas

First of all, the religious aspect of Christmas was hijacked decades……….no, probably more than well over a hundred years ago. If they want to go to war with somebody, perhaps they should start with Santa Claus. Christmas ceased being about Jesus so long ago that I’m quite certain most people alive today can’t even recall when Christmas didn’t have everything to do with gifts and spending money. Shit, how many people out there say Merry Christmas but don’t even refer to Jesus in the least the entire holiday season but instead focus all their time and lots of their money on gifts? Let’s face it, Christmas is not about Jesus in the least; it’s about gifts. While that might not have been the original intent of Christmas, it sure as hell is the intent of Christmas now. I mean, do you even realize how much of our economy is supported by Christmas? The whole season starts earlier and earlier every year. As I like to say, at some point the year is going to contain two months: January and Christmas.

Many people believe the dirtiest thing in the world to be money. And yet, this is what Christmas is about. Money. Money, money, money. So while they have absolutely no problems with their God being affiliated with the dirtiest thing ever, heaven forbid should somebody say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. They drive down the road, hear Christmas music being played on the radio, see Christmas decorations up everywhere, see Christmas specials all over television, but when they leave a store somebody says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas and they flip out because “they are taking the Christ out of Christmas”. Can somebody please fucking explain this one to me?

The real problem is they need to see how materialistic we have become. Look, I’m an Atheist. I don’t give a fuck about the whole Jesus aspect of Christmas. But, it is a drain on society when people max out their credit cards and spend THOUSANDS of dollars on gifts for loved ones for Christmas. Gifts they can’t afford. Gifts that they don’t even have paid all by the next Christmas so they can start doing it all over again. Maybe I’m the one who just doesn’t get it here, but how can one justify spending themselves into debt just to buy their kids gifts for Christmas? And yet, according to these Christians I’m part of the problem when it comes to this so called war on Christmas. Huh?

I went back and forth about writing a post about a certain tragic even that happened a couple of days ago. But, then I figured since most of yous already know what my thoughts and opinions were and since I’m quite certain we are all saddened about the situation the last thing I wanted was to think about it again. And I’m quite certain the last thing you want is to be reminded about it; after all it seems to be everywhere and we can’t seem to get away from it. But, I did see a very funny headline on Yahoo the other day that I will share: “Obama Says Marijuana Not A High Priority”. Get it? Not a HIGH priority?

About six months ago I decided to start taking improv classes as Chicago’s legendary Second City. The first term went eight weeks and then I took the next eight week course. Upon signing up for the third term, my class got cancelled due to low enrollment. So I switched gears for the next term and took a writing class. The class primarily dealt with writing comedic sketches, something I’m not very good at. A couple of weeks ago we had to come up with a premise for a sketch and then of course, write it. As you probably already know, I’m a big fan of mafia movies. What I came up with was a mother in her mid to late 50s who was the head of a mafia family. In the scene she was threatening her son who refused to pay her money that he owed her. The first draft I kind of went overboard with the swearing. The next week we had to give it to a couple of people in the class to read it out loud. The results were not good. Honestly, it was not a good sketch. And not many people in the class found it funny, probably in part because of the rather excessive swearing, among other things. We discussed it and the teacher gave us tips on how to make our sketches better and gave us the assignment of rewriting it. So I went home and kept the same general theme but rewrote a lot of it, even taking out every single swear word. I emailed a friend of mine who read it and said it was really funny. I was confident it was good, but still anxious to have the class and teacher hear it. Well, yesterday was the day it got its time in front of the class. And it killed! The class and the teacher loved it. Honestly, I think a good part of the appeal was just how bad it was the previous week and then how much it improved in one week.

Yesterday was the last class of this term. I had a difficult choice to make. Continue onto writing to or go back and finish up improv as I have two terms left with that. I love improv and love to perform. So this morning, I signed up for the next improv class. What is cool about this one though is that at the end of this term, I get to perform on stage in front of an audience. At Second fucking City! I don’t think it will be the main stage but still, it’s Second fucking City!!

In 1981, there was by far and away no bigger band in the world than the Rolling Stones. Certainly they were big in the 1960s. And they were huge in the 1970s. But in 1981, they had a big hit with “Start Me Up” from the Tattoo You album. They then embarked on what was then one of the biggest world tours ever. The Rolling Stones had never been hotter. So, how is it that they ended up playing in a dinky, smokey bar on the south side of Chicago in 1981?

By 1981 Muddy Waters was not just a blues legend but he was considered one of the most influential musicians of all time. He was considered by many to be the father of Chicago blues. He was so influential, a band from England stole their name from a Muddy Waters song. That band was the Rolling Stones. Anybody who has heard even a few Stones songs can hear the bluesy influence of Waters. Love the Stones, than you certainly have to appreciate Waters even if you don’t like him. One might even say without Waters than there is no Rolling Stones or at the very least, it is a very different Rolling Stones. Hell, they wouldn’t even have the name, Rolling Stones. That is how important Waters was to them.

So the Stones were touring and in Chicago on that night in 1981 when they stopped by Muddy Waters blues bar the Checkerboard Lounge. And fortunately somehow it managed to get filmed and aired recently on PBS. Although I do believe it was a preplanned show, judging by the size of the crowd, it was not something that many people knew about. And it wasn’t like there was Facebook or text messaging that you could easily tell your friends to drop everything and get there. The bar was not very big and therefore did not hold a lot of people. I would be wiling to bet there were fewer than 100 people in the bar. Hell, judging by he sound, I think there was a lot less than 100 people. And it wasn’t only the Stones and Waters there. They even had Buddy Guy and Junior Wells come up to play with them. As I sat there watching this, I was in a state of awe at the enormity, yet tininess of it all. Here were the biggest artists in their genre, yet they were playing in a lounge so tiny that I’ve been to family reunions that had more people. Can you imagine showing up there that night and watching Waters play and in walks the Rolling fucking Stones? Wow.

Recently I watched the History Channel’s The Men Who Built America. I was totally captivated by the entire six part series. It focused on five very powerful and influential men from the mid to late 1800s and early 1900s. The five were Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, J.P. Morgan, John D Rockefeller and Cornelius Vanderbuilt. The series was fantastic and I learned a lot. I wound up having mixed feelings about all the men. Clearly they were important and vital to America becoming the power that it is today. But on the other hand, I got the sense that for the most part, they were generally not good men. They were nothing if not ruthless at times, however in the case of Carnegie and Rockefeller, they became very charitable later in life which does help redeem them in my book.

The series did get me to thinking though about our time. These men were legends who helped make America great. But what about now? Who are we going to remember and be talking about still in a hundred years or 150 years? My guess is that the Carnegies and Rockefellers of today are people like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, even though he is dead. I’m quite certain there are more innovators out there that I can’t think of. Also I’m sure there are some people out there right now that we just simply have never heard of and who will someday, leave their mark on the world much in the same way Carnegie and Gates and all the others have. As important and influential as Gates and Jobs were, I still don’t think they were as important as the aforementioned five. I know a lot of people might think I’m crazy for saying that, but just think where we would be without steel, without cars, without railroads or perhaps most importantly, without electricity. Sure, Gates and Jobs have greatly helped to advance the tech society but is there even an internet without electricity?

Ugh, tomorrow I go back to work for the first time in nearly two weeks. Damn, why is it that vacations go by way faster than the actual work week? Jeez that sucks. Nevertheless, I always like to give a recap of what I did on my vacation:

• Went on a rather unforgettable date. Well, it wasn’t all that bad, truth be told. I mean he was a nice guy and all, just not my type.
• Got a $200 speeding ticket in Wisconsin.
• Met a couple of Xangans in Oshgosh, Wisconsin.
• Played war at the casino in Milwaukee. It was pretty fun however I don’t know if I can justify the cost of losing. Perhaps next time I will do things a little bit differently so that I can fare a little better.
• Stayed out all night during a weekday with friends. This was probably my favorite thing I did on the trip.
• Went to the World of Chocolate. I go every year with friends to an AIDS benefit at a hotel in downtown Chicago. Unfortunately, my friends were not able to go this year but I didn’t find that out until after I bought the $125 ticket. While the food was still good, it really sucked going by myself. I felt pretty damn lonely for pretty much the entire time I was there.
• Watched the first two Godfather movies. I had seen the first Godfather but it was probably about 12 or 13 years ago. Let’s just put it this way, it was so long ago that I watched it on VHS. I liked it, but seemed to like it a lot more the second time around. And part two was good too, although I don’t think it was better than the first one.
• Lost in poker at a friends house.

Unlike last year, I don’t have the entire week off between Christmas and New Years, however I will only have to work two days that week. And unlike this year as of right now I don’t have any plans for vacations for next year.