March 19, 2013

• What If?

  I had an interesting idea for a post which I can't believe I've never written about before: What if I were straight?

  I know this is a rather dangerous and rather controversial road to go down but thought it would make for an interesting post. I know that among the gay community we are supposed to have much gay pride and not have any questioning about what if and all that shit, but heck, we all think what if sometimes about many aspects of our lives. Hell, if I were straight, I have done a post asking "what if I were gay?"

  First of all, I'm quite certain that if I were straight I would be a full supporter of gay rights. This is something that is fairly consistent with the rest of my uber liberal beliefs. Discrimination of any kind absolutely disgusts me on all levels. And my core belief is pretty much to each's own; anything that doesn't hurt other people should be legal. And when you talk about gays, well, it's nobody's fucking business what anybody's sexual orientation is.

  But as for my day to day life and what my life would have been like up to now, if I can possibly image that. I'd like to think I'm a good looking guy. And I'd like to think I'm funny. And although neither may be true, this much I do know throughout my life and even still today, I have had quite a few girls who have liked me. It is not a far stretch to believe that I would have been quite the, well, playa when it comes to girls. I lacked a lot of self confidence in my teens but while part of that was just who I am, a part of it was because I was gay. Take away the homosexuality and I probably would have been a lot more confident and able to get girls. Hell, I developed a lot more confidence when I finally came out in my 20s.

  Which brings me to marriage. Twelve years ago I met a girl who seemed to be a female version of myself. I don't believe in soul mates, however if I did she would be it. We hit it off perfectly and have been very close friends ever since. Another friend of mine said she is my "pseudo wife" because if I were straight I would probably be married to her. Then again, even as Illinois is poised to become the next state to legalize gay marriage, I'm still not so certain I ever want to be married. Oh sure, I want the huge kick ass wedding but marriage? Jeez, I don't know; that is such a big thing.

  Although I don't know if her and I would have any kids yet, I'm also not so certain that I would not have knocked up anybody else along the way. Potentially, my life could have  been drastically different. I could have been ass fucking deep in child support payments, I mean who the fuck knows? Shit I have been known to sleep around now, hell if I were straight and got started when I was a teen and with the potential for pregnancy? I know I'm overall a responsible person but everybody has certain things they are irresponsible with and sex is just one of those things for me.

  I guess this is just a little bit of a peek into what my life could have been if things had turned out differently. I'm kinda glad they didn't though. In a weird way, I feel like I've got my freedom now. Hell I don't have kids with a very little chance of ever having kids, that frees up a lot of time and money to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want to do it. Although I'm quite certain being a parent is amazing and a joy, having the freedom to only be responsible for yourself is also a great thing too.

  • 10:19 pm
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